Marriage post baby

ok- so I can see why kids interfere in a marriage in sooo many ways.  Today's ways:  we are both worried about money.  This makes me agitated and up all night, makes my husband distant and short with me.  I spend hours trying to figure out why he is "mad" at me, and it always takes me a long time to realize that he is just as stressed as I am, probably more because he is the bread winner.  Second, this weekend was soooo boring.  I am sick of sitting home in front of the TV with the baby, I want to do something.  But of course I don't want to spend any money until we are caught up.  And he enjoys sitting around after a week at work- I get to do it all week- now he wants to chill and cuddle. Another thing is how boring I've become.  I only want to talk about baby, and can't even listen when he talks about work.  I realize this is all me.  Although I do sometimes feel like he doesn't understand what it's like to be a human vending machine and how it has been so difficult so every blip makes me stew for ages.  Anyways, I'm sure there will be more things.  I would tell myself that we need to communicate more, but I'm all touched out.  I'm giving so much emotionally to my baby that I just don't know how to give to my husband right now.  I am hoping that I can just trust in the marriage and have faith that we will get through this young baby stage and can give more on the other side.  It is hard and frustrating though, and feels very lonely.

So, while I was late, waiting for Donovan (story of birth to follow), I spent all this time looking for magical reasons why he might be late.  I looked at phases of the moon, I examined the Tarot cards to see if they could offer insight (I don't believe in them magically, but I thought they might be able to reveal some wisdom through reflection), I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if there was something in my psyche holding me back, I spoke to my husband a lot about things that could potentially be bothering me- like missing my mom or feeling pressure to have a perfect home birth, I meditated, held rose quartz crystal, reflected on woman hood, read Ina May, got deep, did acupuncture (don't consider this magic, suspects it actually released endorphins which may have helped get him here- will have to do some research when I'm getting more than 2 hours sleep at a time), did homeopathy (total fucking magic, but I was desperate and easily talked into bullshit), smelled lavendar and clary sage, made birth affirmation recordings.  But I realize in hindsight that the magic is actually in the baby coming itself.  There may have been things holding me back, he was very slightly out of position, but the reality is that there is no greater magic than a baby coming when he wants to, when he needs to.  I don't need to find human projections of magic on something that is already so magical.  He came when he was ready, we needed a lot of help and support and research to make sure he was allowed to come in his own time, and now that he is here we can be fully confident that if the moon was holding him up, or my brain, or some poor handling of crystals, it all came together in the end, we were ready for him when he got here and he was ready for us.  He showed no signs of being overdue, his nails are the right length, the placenta was in perfect condition, and I just thank the stars in the sky he is here.

Two days past due date! :)

Well, here I am- two days past the due date.  I actually fully expected this, to the point where both my sister and my doula told me to stop saying it in case I willed it into being.  But I don't think I willed it into being, I just feel like we needed a few more days.  I'm pretty sure my conception and due dates are correct, so I am expecting him any time.  I was just viewing the due date as a goal date to get past- I really wanted a fully cooked little munchkin, especially with all the health problems I've had throughout this pregnancy.  I also really started to enjoy pregnancy at around the 2/3's point, so I wouldn't mind a little extra time.  That said, I don't want THAT much extra time.  I fully expect to get pregnant again in the future, and I am so excited to meet this monkey and get this show on the road.  I also am in a particularly zen mood right now, a mood that can be shattered by very small things- like not being able to find a cheap walk in hair cut immediately yesterday.  Or the girl from my NCT class having her baby a week early last week.  I cannot believe the level of jealousy I felt towards her.  It made me mad all day, and there was no cheering me up or making me feel better.  It just had to pass.  That said, I'm feeling really good, and my midwife is really happy with my blood pressure, with baby's position (2-3/5 something or other?), and with how I look.  I don't feel that swollen, although my rings are beginning to be a very small nuisance, and it's kind of fun to tell people I am overdue since I'm still pretty sparky when out and about.  Of course, when in, I'm exhausted.  Exhaustion has been the key component of pregnancy for me, and I just hope it doesn't interfere with labor.  Speaking of labor, here are my symptoms.  I am crampy, with some lower back ache.  For the past 2-3 days I've been in a bit of a hormone haze- although I don't mind the high, and am very annoyed by anything breaking it- like phonecalls from well wishers and the skype calls we feel obligated to make to our parents.  It gets a little frustrating though when I can't remember to do ANYTHING only two seconds after I set out to do it.  Normally lists help me with scatter brain, but I also am having a hard time keeping track of my lists, so some things just aren't going to get done.  After trying out tons of hypno birth cds, I've settled on the Marie Mongan one.  I actually am not so sure it's better than the others, I've been pretty disappointed by all of them, I think it is just the one that suits me best because it has an American accent, which is such a strange preference for me.  I'll do a separate review of the tapes.  I've also read most of the books I wanted to read and we both feel really prepared for our homebirth. We have the pool, we have a box of things we might need, we have treats for the midwives, I've packed an emergency hospital bag for both me and baby, and I've gotten all my essential oils and labor distraction stuff ready.   I want to buy or make a present for my doula, and need to print my birth plan.  Beyond that, the things I want to do are all cosmetic- like sew together curtains rather than tack them up, or clean maniacally (not that I have energy for that), or read a book I consider optional rather than necessary.  Oh, I do want to try to put some birth affirmations on my ipod.  Anyways, I'm pretty sure I had my first, and only, contraction today about three hours ago.  I was surprised by how much it hurt, and how I forgot to breathe til the very end of it.  I was also surprised by how quickly I forgot the pain, and how it was a nice relief feeling when it was over.  It felt like I suddenly was about to have very bad diarrhea, and I was sitting on the toilet, so maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was a preview.  I'm glad to have it.  I really thought the baby was coming today- had cramps all night, but it's evening now, so even if things start up, it probably won't be today.  My cramps are not what I expected.  They are continuous, not rolling, and are in different places.  I have a hard time identifying where they are- mostly they are low.  When I look it up online the women seem able to describe very succinctly that the cramp is at the back of the uterus, or radiates from back to front, and mine are either not strong enough to do that yet, or just not that specific.  Regardless, they aren't even a nuisance, although I see why women hesitate to put on the TENS machine- you can't help but be curious about what's coming next.  I haven't even taken a paracetamol, which I should, because I'm so curious.  Anyways, took it real easy today, smelled my blend of clary sage, rose, and lavender, bought some baby books that will come next week when I have a baby, and plan to go to sleep early.  Here's hoping I have this baby tonight!  I really thought I might...

30 days til due date!

So, one thing I have learned is to try not to get too smug with pregnancy stuff because you are just asking the universe to curse you with the thing you are so smug about not having.  Mine right now is peeing.  I call it fake pee vs real pee.  It's funny because the urgency level is the same, but I just can't tell the difference.  So sometimes I race through hell and high water to find a bathroom and there is almost nothing there, and other times I put it off (imagining it's the fake pee) and then am so grateful I didn't accidentally wet my pants because I had no idea how full my bladder was.  I was smug in early pregnancy because I didn't have to pee so much, so I'm getting my comeupance now.  It's no big whoop though, just mostly funny.  Again, of course, things are easier for me because I don't work outside the home and I'm usually in comfortable surroundings where I know where a bathroom is.  I can take risks, so it's mostly funny, and sometimes annoying.  I'm pretty sure baby is just lying on my bladder.  It gets worse when he wakes up around 7 pm.  I also have to pee around 5 am, which I think might be a waking time for him, and around 11pm.  The other thing that I mentioned has continued to be true.  I'm pretty sure I didn't feel so well last week, but I can't remember my symptoms.  That's how quickly and completely they disappear if I just wait it out.  I'm still getting nauseaus, but I think my digestive system is getting a little squished because I'm getting acid reflux as well.  I think I was more tired last week.  I can always tell when there has been a growth spurt because I get very tired and then my stomach feels like it is stretching and then I feel huge and like I can't carry this belly around, and then suddenly, everything sorts itself out, I adjust to the new size, and we move on.  Last week felt a bit tougher than other times, but it still followed the pattern.  This is a pattern I hope to be mindful of while in labor.

I just finished Birthing From Within and loved it.  My doula lent it to me, but I think I might buy my own copy when I can.  The exercises were a little hokey- but I realized I hadn't completely visualized my idea of a birth, which I couldn't do before and now feel more comfortable doing.  I also hadn't figured out what my fears were.  I was surprised in the book and in our NCT class how many women are afraid of losing control.  I'm not that worried about that.  I'm a little worried about being inhibited, and I'm not somebody who likes to get naked in front of people, but I'm not that concerned about it either.  I realized that a large part of my fear has to do with...wait, I forgot again.  I'll get back to that.  I was worried about my baby not getting enough oxygen because my mother died that way, but my doula made me feel much better about that.  I am a little worried about being too much of a people pleaser when it comes to delivery, and bending to the needs of others.  Even when we were practicing our breathing at NCT class, and my husband was supposed to be following my breath, I found myself following his.  This isn't something that I want to do.  But I'm not scared of losing control, and I am very confident about being able to handle the acute part of delivery.  I do best in acutely stressful situations, I'm not scared of it.  I'm more scared that I'll want meds at the less stressful point of labor, a point where I might be more cerebral and therefore more scared.  I'm working through this and I think I can handle it if I just keep my thinking brain reminded that I know this about myself and can just let go.

I've started having what feels a little like contractions and cramps.  Some are like very low key period cramps, kind of warm.  Others are a pain in my lower belly that almost feels like gas.  In fact, sometimes passing a little gas helps relieve it.  As does sitting, standing still, or talking to the baby.  I hope he is working at dilating my cervix a little with these contractions.  I'm trying to help him by sitting upright as often as I can remember and by keeping myself chill.  I really hope we can work together on this, I already feel like he is my little buddy.

I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  I had decided this was my last cerebral birth book before the birth, that all others were going to be less technical and more hypno therapy/relaxation types, but my husband wants me to read the Water Birth book he is reading because the author is the kind we like, somebody who supports all kinds of deliveries, not just home births, and doesn't spend a ton of words talking negatively about hospitals.  I feel very negative about hospitals and I worry that if I dwell too much on it I'll end up smack dab in the middle of one.  The last time they rushed me unnecessarily to the hospital was a few weeks ago, and I was shaking I was so upset.  I realized that I needed to get okay with the hospital, that I was adopting the anger at the birth system in a way that had made it too personal for this stage in my pregnancy.  If I have to go to the hospital then that will be the best place for me.  I don't want the "good guys" using my body as a political battle field any more than I want over zealous medical model types.  Anyways, I might read the book, I might not.  I'm beginning to feel a little encumbered by some of my husband's well meaning advice.  He is not like the couple I met a few weeks ago where the guy kept telling her what to eat and suggesting she "go find a cool spot to show him" as a way to get her to exercise.  My husband is suggesting things I would normally like- like reading books by authors that appeal to us- or that I need to practice meditation, that the skill won't just magically appear.  But I'm finding myself acutely sensitive this past week.  I want him to believe in me without the advice.  I'm pretty sure I can focus in the moment and I'm not worried about it.  Plus, I agree and believe I should practice as well.  I guess his advice feels like he thinks I am weak- which I'm not, although I worry he has mistaken my willingness to be vulnerable with him as weakness.  I need to better think through what I'm trying to say.  I need to feel like he believes in me and even though I told him this, and he verbally expresses it, I'm having a hard time believing it.  Maybe I'm just projecting, maybe I'm not.  I totally trust him though that when it comes down to it we will sync up just fine and he will believe in me.  I guess I want to reassure him so that he can reassure me.  Hmmm, long two days, I'll have to try to put this into better words later....

34 (35?) weeks

Well, I've been away for two months because, guess what?, I've been feeling great!  It finally kicked in, the feeling healthy and magical and pregnant feeling I was promised.  Once I recovered from the gall bladder debacle I finally have had the chance to feel great.  Sure, I'm still tired, and getting more tired as the due date approaches.  And I'm still not my peppy, hyper, familiar self.  But I've gotten used to it.  I think I've come to terms with it.  And I've taken the opportunity to go deeper within myself, taking the time to bond with this more mellow version of myself.  I'm really happy about it, and I'm reading some great books, and I'm feeling really good.  We are now six weeks from due date and the baby is actively hiccupping and kicking and moving all over the place.  I have been a little obsessed with the positioning of the baby, he keeps flipping over when I want him to settle into the upside down position, but everybody tells me that his position doesn't matter yet.  I have also started taking our childbirth classes, and it turns out I'm not the only one worried about position, so that makes me feel better too.  This week I've begun to get some of the hormonal weepies back again, but I kind of like them.  I mean, I'm truly happy when somebody does well on Britian's Got Talent, why not shed a tear or two?  I've also been connecting with other pregnant women, which has been great.  I've always been a party person, with party friends, and the reality is that I'm a little shy in non party atmospheres, so this has been a new thing for me- connecting with people while sober.  It has been really nice, although I do tend to get a bit bored.  Still working on this.  We moved houses on May 1st, which involved a nightmarish battle with the landlord and a day of me, at 7 months pregnant, on my hands and knees painting floor boards, but it is finally over, we are finally out of that horrible house, and are soooo in love with the new house!  It's the first time in a long time that I've taken pride in my home, although I'm sure nesting has played it's part.  We are starting a garden, my husband is building a man cave for his drums and hopefully carpentry stuff, and we have decided to try for a home birth.  This is something my husband really wanted, but I just couldn't picture in our last house.  I can totally picture it here, so even if the actual birth doesn't take place here, I am happy to be spending my labor here, and hopefully we will be able to have the baby here as well!  We are ordering a birth pool and I'm gathering all the stuff we need, and we are on a roll.  The countdown has begun, although I'm trying to remind myself that it could still be another 8 weeks until I meet this little monkey.  My internet has been shoddy as hell, but I'll try to blog more again, now that I'm feeling better and confident.  I also feel like I have some milestones to report, but I can't remember right now.  I can't actually remember anything right now, including words when I'm trying to complete a sentence, which is funny.  Oh, one other thing, I look great!  I keep expecting my belly to go into overdrive, which it inevitably will, but I've managed to maintain a healthy weight and everybody tells me how good I look.  I don't feel super heavy, although I can tell for about a day when my belly has had a growth spurt.  I am slow moving, but usually feel up to getting up and walking around.  My hips really hurt for about 2 weeks, ending last week.  I think it is partially the relaxin, and also partially not moving enough while I sleep.  I felt too lazy to lug this belly into a new position at night, but it seems like it is important.  Now I try to switch positions frequently, and the peeing in the night helps with this.  It's amazing how the body is able to come up with some of its own solutions.  I can't figure out how to solve another problem though- a constantly threatening Charley Horse in my left leg.  I got two Charley Horses last week, in the same spot, always while lying down in bed.  Now I have this feeling that it is always there, and if I point my toe or stretch out my leg it starts to show itself.  I'm getting a little stiff and want to stretch, so I'm trying to figure this one out.  Of course, if it is anything like any of my other pregnancy complaints, it'll just resolve itself in about a week, so we'll see what happens.  Finally, I officially have a mask of pregnancy.  I wear two kinds of sunscreen, plus makeup, on days I go out, and yet it is still there.  I was hoping I was the only one who could see it, but my husband noticed it last night, so now it is official.  It isn't that bad, just some blotchiness on my forehead, some freckle looking splotches over my nose and cheek, and what looks like some lip liner on the edges of my lips, but it annoys me nonetheless.  I think I just have to live with it though, and continue with the sunscreen and hope for the best.  I kind of like how it looks except for the forehead, so I'm not that worried.  I just hopes it goes away after the baby comes so I'm not stuck with some sort of dirty looking face permanently.  I got a real stretch mark on Tuesday.  I've had a few light marks around where my belly button is, but this one is a real stretch mark. I'm furiously lathering it up with bio oil, but I'm pretty sure those remedies are not so effective.  Again, I'm not super concerned about it, I just don't want it to get worse.  Of course I'd love to be somebody who is happy to show off her belly, but I haven't been that person in years, so it's not like a few stretch marks are dramatically interfering with my life.  Okay, I think that is it for now.  More soon.  :)

25 weeks

i just read this on http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2007/08/10/antepartum-depression-not-every-pregnant-woman-glows.aspx
"Being pregnant is like have a great sports car you've driven and taken care of all your life and having to let some stranger drive it for nine months while you sit in the back seat of your own car feeling cramped and nauseous and not being able to see out or even see the person driving. "

It made me cry and laugh at the exact same moment- a bit of a strange feeling.  I don't know if I'm suffering from actual depression in pregnancy, but I have all these fears and worries and I just really don't feel like myself and I get so scared that I'm never going to feel healthy again.  I am sicky again today and I just don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel like doing anything and my  house is a mess and my husband has to do everything.  He is so cheerful and helpful and amazing and I admire him so much and I just am so mad at myself, like I don't measure up.  It scares me that he might get sick of me and leave me, and I'm scared I'm going to still be lazy after the baby is born.  My breasts leaked again yesterday and everything suddenly became very real.  I sat right down and found us a new, more baby friendly, house.  We can put the deposit down today if we want to.  But even though I got exactly what I want, I still feel totally freaked out by making sudden changes.  It's like I move slow, slow, FAST, and I just can't wrap my head around it.  I can't figure out for the life of me what to do about leaky boobs.  I don't even know where to buy breast pads.  It's like it represents so much I don't know how to handle, and don't feel like asking because I just don't want to be even more vulnerable to the people around me.  A friend told me she had a lot going on in her life, but she would wait to tell me until after the baby was born.  Why?  I want to hear now, except I feel so nauseous and don't know how to respond with energy to her stories.  It suddenly occurred to me that she has no idea how to deal with me pregnant, and I have no idea how to deal with me pregnant.  I have been so emotional and self centered and its like I'm losing people who are important to me.  I've always been a party person, and my best friends are these fiercely independent women who aren't married or pregnant and I feel so, I don't know, different from myself.  At the exact same time, when I'm feeling moderately healthy, I feel even more myself.  Like I'm back in touch with some of my instincts and I remember some of the music I used to love- rocked out to Girls on Top the other day and felt like myself for the first time in ages.  But nothing used to scare me.  I had to search for my mom's dead body a couple times, which is a very scary experience, but I always did it, I never called for help.  Now I'm scared to death that the grocery store near our new house is just too far away in the winter because it is a 20 minute walk.  I'm scared I'm about to get stuck in some sick suburbia, even though we are simply moving to another English village, which should feel adventurous and kind of cool.  I want to burn creative energy, but I don't want to spend a single dime because I want the baby to have everything and money is very tight.  My husband said that he just doesn't want to pay his student loans because we can't afford it and was talking in a very strange way about it, and I felt so helpless and desperate because what if it affects our life in the future.  He was mostly kidding, but I can't get it out my head.  Since when do I think about fiscal responsibility?  Since my parents marriage broke up because my dad is always bankrupt and didn't tell my mom that the house was foreclosed on until she came home and found a huge sign across the door.  It's funny, I don't want to own property or live in suburbia or give up my free spiritness because of a child, yet I am so scared to close any doors.  It's like I can't commit to anything because I can't predict anything.  It just feels like a blank hole.  And don't even get me started about school!  I should be doing work, we can't afford tuition next semester so I should be applying for funding, but I can't seem to get my brain working.  I just feel so irresponsible.  My advisor thinks I should try a medical leave of absence next semester, but that doesn't solve the funding problem in the spring.  And I'm so scared to give up on my PhD because it seems like it is the only thing standing between a healthy life, and turning into a depressed stay at home mom like my mother.  I just feel so lost.  I tried to explain it to another friend last night but it just came across like I was whining about my life and the fact that our families want us to come home again for another whirlwind Christmas trip to multiple states next year and I just don't feel like I can handle it, even if they contribute the funds.  I just feel so weak and like I can't handle anything.  And I feel like nobody understands.

24 weeks, 6 days

So, big surprise, I've been tired and a little sicky the past two days.  No real pain, just kind of under the weather.  We were out of groceries and I had very few low fat options in the house and I think I've been a bit hungry too.  Actually, when the groceries came today I scarfed down an entire pack of tortellini and an orange and could have kept going- which is hard to imagine because a stomach couldn't possibly be bigger than a pack of tortellini, so I guess "the hunger" has kind of set it.  This is probably good because I don't have much of an appetite, don't feel like eating, and being hungry kind of forces me to.  Also, I still haven't gained any weight- although the internet assures me that I'd better brace myself, it's about to start.  Anyways, I've been taking it easy and lying around and I woke up after a(nother) nap, came downstairs, and found a wet spot on my shirt over my right breast! Breast leakage! Whoa.  It has left a mark, and I feel strangely embarrassed by it.  I don't know why it makes me feel so embarrassed, but I keep covering it up and covering my face if my husband asks if I "got milk".  It's like a deep seated, irrational embarrassment, which is kind of funny, cuz I'm also kind of proud of it.  Hmmm, a boob that can make milk- wow- what a trip. Moooo!
So, another change is the groin kicking has stopped as suddenly as it started.  He seems to have moved up and can't reach my vag anymore.  He is still trying, he gets going and kicks and hits on all parts of my belly, but he just can't seem to reach down low. Ha!  I am forming a very light linea nigra- have been thinking I can see it for a few weeks now.  I also have a very small stretch mark on my left belly, and some strange marks around my belly.  I asked my sister about her experience with stretch marks and she said that it was one of the things that made her really resent my mother being dead- that it is hereditary and we don't have our mom around to ask.  She said she got stretch marks mostly on her thighs, and they have gone away quickly.  I don't remember my mom having very many stretch marks.  My sister thinks that the marks around my belly button could possibly be bruising and that they might go away sooner rather than later.
Baby and I have both been kind of tired the past two days- he seems less active and I'm a hell of a lot less active, which almost always seems to correspond with a growth spurt in my belly, but one funny thing happened.  My husband was playing his drums, which often wakes the baby up and gets him moving.  I usually think it is super fun.  But this time, the baby was rocking out, top and bottom of belly, when my husband sped up his beat.  I wondered if the baby would speed up to.  But no, he totally stopped.  He was over it- that beat was just too fast. :)