30 days til due date!

So, one thing I have learned is to try not to get too smug with pregnancy stuff because you are just asking the universe to curse you with the thing you are so smug about not having.  Mine right now is peeing.  I call it fake pee vs real pee.  It's funny because the urgency level is the same, but I just can't tell the difference.  So sometimes I race through hell and high water to find a bathroom and there is almost nothing there, and other times I put it off (imagining it's the fake pee) and then am so grateful I didn't accidentally wet my pants because I had no idea how full my bladder was.  I was smug in early pregnancy because I didn't have to pee so much, so I'm getting my comeupance now.  It's no big whoop though, just mostly funny.  Again, of course, things are easier for me because I don't work outside the home and I'm usually in comfortable surroundings where I know where a bathroom is.  I can take risks, so it's mostly funny, and sometimes annoying.  I'm pretty sure baby is just lying on my bladder.  It gets worse when he wakes up around 7 pm.  I also have to pee around 5 am, which I think might be a waking time for him, and around 11pm.  The other thing that I mentioned has continued to be true.  I'm pretty sure I didn't feel so well last week, but I can't remember my symptoms.  That's how quickly and completely they disappear if I just wait it out.  I'm still getting nauseaus, but I think my digestive system is getting a little squished because I'm getting acid reflux as well.  I think I was more tired last week.  I can always tell when there has been a growth spurt because I get very tired and then my stomach feels like it is stretching and then I feel huge and like I can't carry this belly around, and then suddenly, everything sorts itself out, I adjust to the new size, and we move on.  Last week felt a bit tougher than other times, but it still followed the pattern.  This is a pattern I hope to be mindful of while in labor.

I just finished Birthing From Within and loved it.  My doula lent it to me, but I think I might buy my own copy when I can.  The exercises were a little hokey- but I realized I hadn't completely visualized my idea of a birth, which I couldn't do before and now feel more comfortable doing.  I also hadn't figured out what my fears were.  I was surprised in the book and in our NCT class how many women are afraid of losing control.  I'm not that worried about that.  I'm a little worried about being inhibited, and I'm not somebody who likes to get naked in front of people, but I'm not that concerned about it either.  I realized that a large part of my fear has to do with...wait, I forgot again.  I'll get back to that.  I was worried about my baby not getting enough oxygen because my mother died that way, but my doula made me feel much better about that.  I am a little worried about being too much of a people pleaser when it comes to delivery, and bending to the needs of others.  Even when we were practicing our breathing at NCT class, and my husband was supposed to be following my breath, I found myself following his.  This isn't something that I want to do.  But I'm not scared of losing control, and I am very confident about being able to handle the acute part of delivery.  I do best in acutely stressful situations, I'm not scared of it.  I'm more scared that I'll want meds at the less stressful point of labor, a point where I might be more cerebral and therefore more scared.  I'm working through this and I think I can handle it if I just keep my thinking brain reminded that I know this about myself and can just let go.

I've started having what feels a little like contractions and cramps.  Some are like very low key period cramps, kind of warm.  Others are a pain in my lower belly that almost feels like gas.  In fact, sometimes passing a little gas helps relieve it.  As does sitting, standing still, or talking to the baby.  I hope he is working at dilating my cervix a little with these contractions.  I'm trying to help him by sitting upright as often as I can remember and by keeping myself chill.  I really hope we can work together on this, I already feel like he is my little buddy.

I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  I had decided this was my last cerebral birth book before the birth, that all others were going to be less technical and more hypno therapy/relaxation types, but my husband wants me to read the Water Birth book he is reading because the author is the kind we like, somebody who supports all kinds of deliveries, not just home births, and doesn't spend a ton of words talking negatively about hospitals.  I feel very negative about hospitals and I worry that if I dwell too much on it I'll end up smack dab in the middle of one.  The last time they rushed me unnecessarily to the hospital was a few weeks ago, and I was shaking I was so upset.  I realized that I needed to get okay with the hospital, that I was adopting the anger at the birth system in a way that had made it too personal for this stage in my pregnancy.  If I have to go to the hospital then that will be the best place for me.  I don't want the "good guys" using my body as a political battle field any more than I want over zealous medical model types.  Anyways, I might read the book, I might not.  I'm beginning to feel a little encumbered by some of my husband's well meaning advice.  He is not like the couple I met a few weeks ago where the guy kept telling her what to eat and suggesting she "go find a cool spot to show him" as a way to get her to exercise.  My husband is suggesting things I would normally like- like reading books by authors that appeal to us- or that I need to practice meditation, that the skill won't just magically appear.  But I'm finding myself acutely sensitive this past week.  I want him to believe in me without the advice.  I'm pretty sure I can focus in the moment and I'm not worried about it.  Plus, I agree and believe I should practice as well.  I guess his advice feels like he thinks I am weak- which I'm not, although I worry he has mistaken my willingness to be vulnerable with him as weakness.  I need to better think through what I'm trying to say.  I need to feel like he believes in me and even though I told him this, and he verbally expresses it, I'm having a hard time believing it.  Maybe I'm just projecting, maybe I'm not.  I totally trust him though that when it comes down to it we will sync up just fine and he will believe in me.  I guess I want to reassure him so that he can reassure me.  Hmmm, long two days, I'll have to try to put this into better words later....