Doula?

So, the crazy thing this week is that I weighed myself and I have lost almost 10 pounds!  I can't believe it.  Whenever I read things on the internet that caused women to lose weight, like anti depressants or short frequent walks, it NEVER applies to me.  This is the first time I've fallen in with the weight losing people!  Makes me feel very dainty. :) Anyways, I think I need to enjoy this because something tells me that this will be one of my last experiences of feeling dainty for a while.  I have recently been considering hiring a doula for my birth.  I'm sure I will talk more about this but I just wanted to mention it.  She will cost 500 pounds and the one I spoke to was not a very good sales person to my husband.  I enjoyed my phone conversation with her, although I noted she was very gung ho about home births.  I'm not against home births, and my husband loves the idea, but I'm not sure I want it for my first birth.  I'm also not really in love with my home, and not sure I want to be here for the birth.  Anyways, she invited us to a homebirth support group, which we attended.  I LOVED it.  There were so many positive birthing stories.  Before this I had only ever heard positive birthing stories from my mother.  It seems like people would rather tell you the most frightening shit they can come up with.  I've always felt bad for pregnant women at baby showers when those stories have gotten started and I am determined to nip them in the bud.  But these stories were just beautiful and I cried at one of them.  Of course, when I cried I looked around hoping to find other kindred hormonal crying spirits, but no, I was the only one crying.  After the first part of the meeting they had a session on doulas and my husband asked what a doula actually did.  This was where the doula I spoke to on the phone and the other doulas in the room epically failed.  They basically said they did "nothing".  I understand that their role is to remain humble and empower and support, but I think they need to take a little credit if they want to make the sale.  My husband felt really put off and felt like they were implying that he couldn't understand because he was just a man.  I didn't take it to that level, but I see why he was annoyed, they did a terrible job.  Of course, if I decide I want a doula he will support me, but his opinion is currently pretty low.  On the walk back to the train station we had a long debate about what we think a doula actually "does" and decided that her role is to try to make a calm and natural experience as calm and natural as possible from within a context or setting that is mistreating birthing as a medical emergency.  My husband thinks he can play this role.  I think he can too, but I feel like he shouldn't have to, and that if I had a mother or best friend nearby, she could do what the doula would do, but since I don't, I think I would like to have a wise woman with experience hushing the extra chatter in the room and keeping me focused.  Anyways, still very early days, so I'll think about it more.  Oh, I also heard about "hypno birthing" at the class and I'm sold!  I don't know much about it yet, but if I got good at it, I might be able to keep myself focused and block out the medical setting, so I will explore it further.

Week 11

Fetal Heart Monitor

So, I had to cancel my 12 week scan today because the NHS only allows for two scans, a dating scan and an anomaly scan, and my scan at 9 weeks meant I gave up my one for tomorrow.  I feel like it is really unfair, I already had the appointment set and we had the 9 week scan because we had an emergency.  Now I have no way to know if my baby is okay until my midwife decides to listen for a heartbeat.  There was a substitute midwife in the last time I went for an appointment and she told me that they start trying to listen for a heartbeat at 12 weeks, but I kind of don't believe her.  She was really disorganized, wrinkled up all my papers, couldn't get enough blood from me after two tries, and didn't even know where the bathroom was.  I felt really shaken by this appointment, and now I'm shaken again because I have no idea what's going on with the baby.  I have another appointment on Friday so they can attempt to draw blood again, but because I am only actually 11 weeks, I think there is a very low chance of the midwife looking for a heartbeat.  I was having my 12 week scan at 11 weeks because we are leaving for the US on Sunday for Christmas.  So, I will be in the US for over 20 days with no idea how the baby is doing.  This is making me kind of upset.  Especially since it is so resolvable by letting me getting a scan as scheduled tomorrow.  Part of me wants to make up a story about bleeding or cramps and get another emergency ultrasound, but that seems like really bad juju and I don't want to cry wolf.  At the same time, don't I have a right to know what's going on if it is so easy to see?  Anyways, this is one of the shortfalls of the NHS.  I wouldn't have had to cancel this appointment if I was in the US, so I am feeling sorry for myself and homesick.  To try to counter this, I ordered a fetal doppler from http://www.hi-baby.co.uk just now.  I looked at the different dopplers and it seemed like the Angel sounds and the Hi-Bebe dopplers got the best reviews.  The Angel sounds was tempting because you can buy it outright from Amazon, but the Hi-Bebe, which was much more expensive to buy, claims to be able to pick up the heartbeat as early as 10 weeks.  I am trying not to get too hopeful, I doubt I'll be able to pick up much for the next few weeks, but at least I'm doing something, so I feel a little better.  I will also like that I can bring it along on my trip and won't feel as alone/without medical attention while I am away.  I am now starting my 11th week and I'm hoping to hear something by week 13.  I'll keep you updated on my impressions. 

Bleeding at 9 Weeks

BLEEDING
So, on Wednesday, December 2, 2009, I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3ish, to go to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding.  It was more than spotting, but never bled onto my underwear or a pad.  The midwife told us that bleeding was NEVER normal and gave us a bunch of numbers to call if I had bleeding.  Of course, at 3 in the morning, we could barely tell the difference between the numbers.  My husband was so amazing.  I woke him up and he immediatly turned on all the lights and got down to business.  I'm not sure I would have taken it so seriously on my own.  In hindsight, it was enough blood to warrant concern, but in the moment I felt really strange, and didn't want to be a bother, and felt like the inevitable was happening and just wanted to curl up.  I went to put a pad on and when I came back he had the computer open and was trying to figure out what to do.  I grabbed the numbers the midwife gave us and he called a few.  I felt so safe and taken care of by the fact that he made the phone calls.  I have no idea why this comforted me so much, but it was so great.  He is going to be a great dad.  In the mean time I looked up bleeding in my trusty "What to Expect when your Expecting" and it said to take it seriously. (BTW, my sister hated "What to Expect" because she found it very scary.  I really like it because it answers questions in a sort of sciency, but not too sciency, way. Just two opinions, not sure if they are helpful.) My husband spoke to an on call midwife who was very nice but not super helpful so we called the emergency room.  They told us to come on in.  So we did.  We took a taxi to the ER (the call it the A&E) and they saw us right away. 

ER
Of course, again, they didn't really do anything, but they also didn't make us feel stupid for being nervous.  They were incredibly nice and reassuring.  They had me pee in a cardboard box thing (cracked both of us up- it looked like shipping material) and they confirmed my pregnancy (first official confirmation!) and I think they tested the pee for regular stuff like a UTI or something, but not much.  They took my blood pressure and that was about it.  But, most importantly, they set me up for an early ultrasound for Friday, the next day if you consider it was now very early Thursday morning.  So, I was going to get to see my baby sooner, which is amazing!  Although, I'm pretty sure I lost my privilege to my 12 week scan now, so I have to wait until 20 weeks to see it again.  I really don't like this lack of scanning.  Although I realize the scan doesn't tell the doctor much, it tells me a lot, I am so scared that the baby will die without me knowing, I am just desperate for evidence of life.  I will always think that some of my morning sickness symptoms are nerves and that they could probably be relieved if I could see the baby or hear the heartbeat, or if I was rich and could afford a private scan.  But I'm not.  The other funny thing was that apparently my husband and I had two different experiences in the ER.  He felt reassured and felt like the nurse said everything was fine and bleeding happens.  I felt like she told us nothing and rushed to set up an appointment.  Shows was a difference perspective can make!
Anyways, I was a nervous wreck before the scan.  My husband was very excited and canceled everything he had to do on Friday, but I was preparing for disaster.  I had been pleased by how calm I was during the Emergency Room ordeal, and I promised myself I would be as cool and collected when I learned the terrible news about my baby.  In the meantime, the bleeding basically stopped.  It bled bright red for about two hours, then tapering off brown blood for about 20 hours.  I had another moment of some brown blood on Friday afternoon, but have not had any since.

THE SCAN
So, we got to the early pregnancy unit early because we were sure we were going to get lost, which we did.  We filled out some paperwork and waited for what felt like ages, but was actually just until my appointment time.  It was funny watching everybody's water drinking tactics.  I had brought a water bottle and was trying to slowly fill my bladder (for those who don't know, you need to have a full bladder for an ultra sound so it gets out of the way to see the baby.  This is a slightly comical endeavor because a pregnant woman can only hold so much water, and because that amount is slightly unpredictable and varies depending on where you are in the pregnancy).  Another woman did a last minute mighty gulp, which I can't believe didn't make her throw up, although I suspected she was further along than I am, so maybe she isn't as nauseous.  Other women did nothing, I guess it just wasn't worth it and they could rely on a full bladder.  I was just worried I was going to push myself over the edge, have to pee, and then have to start over. 
Anyways, we were finally called and there were two women working the ultrasound, one was training the other.  They laid me down, pulled down my pants a little (great, now everybody can see my belly) and squished goop on me.  The girl said that she was going to look and then she would turn the screen towards me.  I felt like I wasn't breathing.  I might not have been.  My husband, on the other hand, was grinning like an idiot and even started to poke at me to tease me.  I asked him to stop which I think hurt his feelings a little bit.  We are going to have to figure out a way to start and stop teasing at appropriate times.  I don't want to laugh when I'm really stressed.  He does. 
Anyways, then they found the baby!  My husband's eyes widened and he grabbed my hand and everything was okay!  They found it right away and turned the screen so I could see it.  It was right there, and really obvious and easy to see.  It's heart was beating really fast and it was kind of moving around!  They said it was looking really good and had a "strong heartbeat".  I laughed which made all my insides move and then they couldn't see the baby for a second.  That made me laugh again, so I had to chill out or they couldn't do anything.  They turned the screen back and started looking for the cause of the bleeding and for all my insides, like my ovaries, etc.  My  husband just couldn't stop watching, but I was happy, it was like this amazing moment where I knew, without a doubt, that my baby was alive, and I was reveling in it.  I didn't even need to see the image, I was just happy my husband could see it.  They found the source of bleeding, a small hemorrage (it has an official name which I can't remember but will edit in once I find the paperwork) on the outside of my uterus.  The hospital midwife later told us that of the 20 women she had seen that morning, 4 had the same thing, so it is very common.  They said I could bleed a little more, just to get rid of the blood, but that it was likely over and that I had nothing to worry about.  I am confused about what caused it, but they said to think of it like a bruise, a minor injury to me that won't hurt the baby.  Whew!  They also found a small fibroid which may have been contributing to my irregular periods for the past six months.  They never found my left ovary because it was obstructed by gas!  They were funny, they told me it was obstructed by bowel, I guess they thought it would be embarrassing for me if my husband knew how gassy I was, but believe me, he knows!  The older technician was really funny because she kept trying to humanize the baby.  She was like, "look at the little cherub, isn't it cute???"  and she said the baby was dancing around and very active.  I have a hard time believing that it isn't just floating around, but my husband then declared that the baby took after him, and it was such a nice moment that I just loved the cheesy technician.  Anyways, everything is fine and my baby is developing right on schedule.  They dated the pregnancy and I had expected they were going to take away a week from what we were estimating because I ovulate late, but they only took away a day, which means baby is doing great!  There was only one thing that could have made it perfect, a future telling midwife.  I really wanted her to say we were out of the dark and the pregnancy was safe from now on, but she said things were still iffy until 12 weeks.  This kind of dashed my husband's hopes of telling everyone.  It annoyed me all over again because now I'm not getting another scan at 12 weeks, so how am I supposed to know if everything is ok once we get out of the first trimester?  There is, again, no confirmation.  I know this is a bit of an exercise in faith, but why have faith when it is possible to prove everything is okay?  I'm going to ask my midwife about this at our appointment tomorrow.  I really need something to hold on to.  I'm very scared of a missed miscarriage. Either way, what a great day!  We saw that little baby and everything is doing great!

First Midwife Visit

So, I never reported on my first midwife visit.  I was very worried about it, but it ended up being very nice and I really like my midwife.  I only wish I could remember her name without having to look it up.  Oh well, I guess I will get to know her better over the next several months.  That's a thing that is actually different than back home.  In the US we go to a OB and get to know him or her through our pregnancy.  Then the OB delivers our baby at the hospital.  We don't really expect to see them during labor, but we expect to see them during delivery and have had many chances to talk about delivery with them ahead of time.   Here in England we see the midwife through pregnancy, and then a delivery team takes over at the hospital.  Unless there is a complication there is a good chance I'll never see an OB, although I'm not sure if one shows up for delivery.  I actually don't mind not seeing an OB at all.  I'm happy with nurses and midwives, but I am very unhappy about having no relationship with the people who I will be in the delivery room with.  It sounds very much like luck of the draw if you get a group of people who are on the last hour or their shift, or who don't like my accent, or who are sick of self important first time mothers.  Now, I have not had a single bad experience with the kindness of the medical staff so far, so I'm trying not to be scared, but I wish I had a previous relationship with those who are going to help me through labor and delivery.  For example, I want to try to have a natural birth, but I am very flexible and willing to concede to the experts.  That said, I want to know my experts and trust they are not just trying to speed things along.  That will be very difficult to analyze while in labor, so I am trying to figure out how to handle this.  I have been looking into doulas as potential cultural translators for me in the delivery room.  Like maybe I can get to know a doula and then the doula can help me decide if I should let them rupture my membranes even though I would really prefer to wait it out.  I just don't want to be inflexible in the delivery room, but I also really want to connect with this delivery, I want every second of the experience to be as special and lived as possible.  I'm not sure that made sense.  I really believe in a woman's natural ability to birth a child.  I would like the chance to do that.  I would like to experience the bonding hormones and the chance to experience the endorphins, but I don't want to be so inflexible that I don't listen to medical advice if the advice is to take some drugs or accept a c-section.  I am just scared to lose my power in the delivery room in an inappropriate way.  I'm totally comfortable giving up my power though if it is best for me or baby.  I'm just nervous about navigating those waters.  Speaking of waters, I have been thinking very seriously about a water birth.  I'm not so much interested in a water birth because I care about water, but because I think it might be a way to keep all those wires and other devices off me and the baby.  It would also help me move around and not feel pressured to be on a delivery bed.  Anyways, I totally digress from the topic I set out to talk about.  The midwife was very nice, she told me that unless my BMI was over 35 that she is not the least bit worried about my weight (my biggest concern), and gave me a whole bunch of pamphlets and paperwork to fill out.  The pamphlets are as good as any book and I'm glad I haven't gone over the top on buying books.  It included a little booklet called Emma's Diary which is the fictional diary of a pregnant woman through her pregnancy.  The midwife said that Emma must be about 85 years old by now because they have been giving out her diary forever.  I read it and it was very modern, but I was really touched by the idea that they've been keeping these diaries for pregnant women for so long.  I would really like to find past Emma's Diaries to learn more about what women 50 years ago were expecting and being told.  It is really amazing and it is nice to feel a historical connection like that while I'm so far from home.  The midwife had an assistant who kept bopping in with more paperwork and then retreating to the back of the room to shuffle through paper.  I thought she was pretty funny and the two inundated me with information and I felt much happier leaving the appointment.  Of course, they never confirmed the pregnancy, which I found disconcerting, but I guess totally reasonable.  I mean, I know I'm pregnant, I asked questions about symptoms, why waste the resources on a pregnancy test.  Saving resources is just one of the many things I'm learning about while outside the American healthcare system.  Oh, they also told me to make a dental appointment because dental work is free while your pregnant!  I think I'm going to wait until I'm done gagging for that, but that is really nice.  I wanted her to listen to the baby's heartbeat, but she said she wouldn't hear anything.  I looked on the internet and it said that midwives often don't listen for it until 16 weeks because if they look for it sooner and don't find it it can be very distressing for the mother.  This is the part of cutting costs I really hate.  I really needed to feel like something was alive inside of me.  I didn't need a heartbeat, I really wanted an ultrasound, but that doesn't come until 12 weeks in England, unless there is an emergency, which we had, and I'll talk about in the next post.

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Catching up on videos

Morning sickness

So, I've been away cuz morning sickness hit with a vengeance.  I would say at about 7.5 weeks, and it has been up and down since.  I am about to start week 10.  My husband was out of town during week 8 and I had a really hard time alone, an issue in the growing number of issues that has forced me to look again at my self perception of strength.  It has been very challenging for me to face the fact that I don't just want him, I need him.  I always thought I would be the perfect pregnant lady.  I've always been very self-reliant and independent and imagined that I would not complain, would revel in the magic of pregnancy, and be the pillar of strength, leading my husband to love and respect me even more.  This has not happened.  I can't stand the smell of the kitchen after about 3:30, and it gets worse around 6:30.  This sounds like no big deal, but it is miserable.  I sometimes can't even go in without gagging, I always have to hold my breath in there, and I've only ever thrown up in the kitchen.  I finally understand why people like those shiny new tract homes, our hundred year plus house is assaulting me with all the dirt of the past and present.  I see filth everywhere I go, and it makes me want to hurl.  I'm not even a tidy person.  This is a whole new side of me.  If I wasn't so hungry this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm hungry every few hours.  This is another new thing for me.  My personal trainer has been begging me to eat every few hours, but I have found this very difficult until now.  Now, I am finally following the trainer's instructions.  In fact, if I don't eat I want to hurl.  I think I want to hurl more if I don't eat than if I go into the kitchen, but I'm not sure, they are kind of equal.  Now add in that I don't feel like I'm eating very well.  Lots of simple carbs, bagels, bread, etc.  When my husband was gone and I couldn't handle the kitchen at all I was ordering out, desperately trying to find something healthy on a take away menu and resorting to jacket potatoes and pizzas with veggies on them.  Now add hormones and I cried and cried and cried.  I felt like a terrible mother, like I was hurting the baby, like I was weak and pathetic, and most of all, I felt like shit!  Anyways, this did a small number on my self esteem, and now that my husband is back, along with the perspective a sane person is able to bring to a pregnant woman's crazies, I still don't completely have my head on.  I feel pathetic relying on him to cook, and even to fill my water glass if it is after 6:30.  I am so bored watching TV all the time, yet I'm so tired and fuzzy brained that I can't seem to sit through a book, let alone do my own work.  I find it very stressful to just relax for more than a week.  It has been almost 3 weeks of this and I have learned a lot about myself, and I haven't loved what I've seen.  I am a person who tends towards laziness, but not this much.  I find it stressful to be doing nothing, and I find it stressful to rely so heavily on my husband.  A friend once told me that morning sickness could teach a woman things, like that you are not necessarily in control of things.  Well, it has taught me that for sure.  I have control over the choices I make, but I have very little control over what's going to happen next.  I can't tell how I'm going to feel in the next moment, let alone the next day, and I find it really difficult.  Add the constant fear that I'm going to will myself to lose the baby (not sure that makes sense- like- I'm worried that if I don't appreciate my blessing enough, or complain too much, that I am going to lose it), and I'm a bit of a wreck.  And I'm still unclear on whether I should be complaining.  It seems like an awful thing to do.  Especially since I wanted this so bad, so many women want it so bad, and because I just haven't had morning sickness nearly as bad as so many people I've heard of.  I have a weak stomach that throws up if a movie is too upsetting, and I've only thrown up twice with this pregnancy.  This would be very lucky and not at all expected.  Although, what I did expect was one week of morning sickness, like they show in the movies.  I had no idea it would last forever.

Bump Porn

Here is a great thread of plus size moms showing off their bumps!  I DO worry about what my bump will look like, but they all look so beautiful, it makes me feel much better! :)

Agnus Castus

So, my period is usually like clockwork. I have a period every 30 days. I knew a month before my wedding that I was going to get my period on my wedding. It is very predictable. I have fallen off track a few times, and it is usually kind of funny. My body likes being on a timetable so much that if I fall off track, my body keeps the new timetable religiously. So I went through a time of getting my period every two weeks. My body did it once, then wouldn't budge. I had to use the pill to fix that. This year my body went long and then stuck with it. The month I started taking my temperature to detect ovulation, I totally wigged out when it came time to ovulate. I stressed the fuck out. I was so sure I wasn't ovulating because a doctor once told me that because I didn't feel any mid cycle pains that proved I wasn't ovulating. I have no idea why she said that. She wasn't even all that young, so she should have been more experienced. But I digress. Anyways, I delayed my own ovulation. It came 15 days later, while I was visiting friends in Paris and was distracted. Bam, just like that. I was so relieved. Although it gave me a nearly 45 day cycle. I figured I just needed to relax the next cycle. Well, I have never been one to relax. I'm not chill. I'm not cool. Sometimes people mistake me for somebody who is cool. They are very wrong. Anyways, combine an inability to keep it cool and a body who loves to stick to a timetable, and my cycle stayed out of wack. Three months (I guess technically longer if it was 135 days) of approximately 45 day cycles and I was going nuts. I had finally figured out that I was ovulating regularly, so I was finally able to relax a little bit, but it was totally unpredictable, our timing was hard to plan, and I just didn't feel like sex every other day by the time day 30 rolled around. I had learned about vitex when I was young and worked at an herb store. I talked to a friend who is training to become a homeopath, and looked it up on the internet. It seemed like an option and I couldn't think of a reason not to try it. We call it Vitex at home, but in England they usually call it Agnus Castus, so it took me a little while to find it. I found the Nature's Way brand at Holland and Barrett and started taking it right away. I was two days out from my last period when I took it and the next day I started getting cramps. They were pretty strong and I even had to stop walking once or twice while I cramped. They were not that painful, just strong. Well, I ovulated on Cycle Day 8. That was about 3 days after my period stopped and 2 days after I started taking it. The cramps stopped after ovulation (I figured the cramps WERE ovulation) and I went on to get my period about 10 days later. I was amazed. I had always heard it took months for an herb to work. And I wasn't even sure this could be considered working. Although, when trying to conceive, it is a lot more convenient to have a short cycle. I looked on the internet again and found very little to explain what happened. I asked one of those internet questions to a supposed professional naturalist and she gave me the normal answer that it takes a few months to work and that even if something happened, it wasn't necessarily settled at this point. I also ran across a lot of contraindications for vitex. Like people saying it caused them a miscarriage and others saying it prevented a miscarriage. I hadn't really thought about what I'd do if I got pregnant while using it, I just figured I'd stop, but those websites had me scared that if i just stopped I could kill my baby. There were a lot of vague suggestions to wean yourself off. I found these suggestions really inconsistent and unclear. There were also lots of things saying to take it only the first half or second half of your cycle. The bottle itself said not to take it in pregnancy. A lady at a health food store told me that that was just so the company could protect itself against liability. She also didn't know that vitex and agnus castus were the same thing, so I didn't trust her for shit. I decided to take it until I ovulated. It made sense because I knew it had made me ovulate before, and because then I would avoid taking it while pregnant. I have no idea if this the right way to take it, and honestly, I don't think anybody on the internet knows either. I kept taking it from the last month and I ovulated on day 17 that month- which was perfect for me. It fits right into my 30 day cycle preference. The funny thing is, I haven't had a period since because I became pregnant! It is so exciting. I have no idea if vitex helped me get pregnant or if it helped correct my cycle so our timing worked or if it was a placebo effect. Either way, I still haven't had a regular cycle (hee hee), but I do intend to use it again if I have trouble with my cycle again. It is amazing, and one day I will know more about herbs and how they work. I am so glad to live in a place where it was so easy to find and where information was so available, even if it was very flawed.

Overweight and pregnant

So, I used to be skinny. Really skinny. Amenorrheic skinny. And then I met a man I thought I was going to marry. I got a little chubby and a little happy. He was a good man (if you can call him a man- we were only 18), and I have nothing terrible to say about him. I will say that I was escaping a nightmarish home life through him, and that he was a drug dealer, albeit a gentle one, so that should say enough about the relationship. When I realized I wasn't going to marry him, I still stayed with him for another year, but I lost that chub. I was looking great when that relationship ended. My weight went slightly up and down for the next five years until I started graduate school. I actually lost weight at first. I met my wonderful husband. Then my mother committed suicide. That is another story, but it is also when I started packing on the pounds. My husband claims to not mind my weight gain. It HAS been subtle, and I've always been able to carry more weight than my friends because of my proportions. I'm lucky, I gain in my breasts and my butt, not such bad places to gain. And it wasn't fast. It has taken me five years to gain about 40 pounds. I have always eaten really healthy, but I have become very sedentary. I gained the last 20ish pounds at a more rapid pace because I stopped working out. I went to the doctor last spring to talk about wanting to have a baby, my anxiety issues (I had just gone off meds after 5 years as well), and my low immunity to every cold that ever passes by. She weighed me and we were both shocked by the number. I knew I had been gaining weight, but I had no idea that I was nearly *** pounds*. She told me that my BMI was ** and that I was obese. I went home, bought a scale, and joined a gym. I have been working out ever since. Two things happened. My anxiety suddenly became very manageable! Yay! And I haven't been sick since! Knock on wood. But I haven't lost a single pound. Well, that might not be true. I fell off the wagon for about six weeks in the summer because of a constant stream of house guests demanding my attention. I think I had lost a few pounds before that, but they came right back. So, about two months ago I hired a personal trainer, at great expense. I LOVE her, although I would never be able to afford her regularly. This was my one shot, and I made my motivation that I wanted to lose weight for pregnancy. We were trying to get pregnant, but I always thought we'd have trouble because I had never gotten pregnant before, and I haven't always been the most responsible person with birth control. I figured something might be wrong with me. Even after I confirmed to myself that I was ovulating, I just thought it would take a little longer than average. My cycles had become irregular, which I attributed to stress, weight, and quitting meds. I will write a different post about how I got my cycle regular. Either way, only a month into training and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for about five months, and "not not trying" for about nine months. Again, I haven't lost a single pound. I've worked out diligently, kept a food journal that proved I was eating well, and have learned a lot of things, but haven't dropped a pound, and now I'm pregnant with a BMI of **. I want to be pregnant so badly, I do not regret not putting trying to conceive on hold. But now I am afraid of what comes next. My first midwife appointment is Friday and I am going to cover my husband's ears when they weigh me. I am dreading the lecture. I feel so frustrated, and I also feel like I am going to have limited options, be categorized as a high risk pregnancy, and that they are going to treat me like I am irresponsible. It feels really unfair because I am not a slob, I eat really healthy, and I am invested in the health of myself and my child. I feel like my category doesn't fit me, even though I want the best for my child. I hate that I am now at risk for gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and a higher risk delivery. It feels even more unfair that I am going to get a lecture rather than a comforting talk because I will be categorized as somebody who needs to be scared into not gaining too much weight. It really annoys me and makes me angry and makes me ashamed. Of course, these are all things I am anticipating, it might not happen, but the nurse who told me I was obese last spring was anything but sympathetic. When I was shocked, she said, "well, look at you". I am looking at me.

*blocked weight because I'm worried that my complaining about my particular size might make others upset- BMI be damned, weight and size is relative

Lower Back Pain at 6 weeks and three days

This is the perfect example of a new symptom that is freaking me the fuck out. My lower back hurts. I suspect it is because I am slouching on my ass all day because I feel pretty unwell. No, I'm not worried about the yucky feeling that started a couple of days ago- I welcomed it, call it morning sickness, really like normal symptoms (and I was fretting over not having any!). I've read it increases your chances of a healthy pregnancy (I've also read that this is a clear example of a cause and effect misunderstanding, but I don't care). But why is my lower back hurting? I'm not carrying any extra weight aside from bloat and sore boobs. I'm not lifting heavy items, I'm not over exerting myself. And these are the moments when google is freakin scary! There are so many tragedies in the world and on the internet they speak at a disproportionately louder volume. I have finally smartened up and stopped reading the most frightening posts, but what about the post that turns surprisingly scary. It seems all normal and optimistic, and then the writer includes her previous three miscarriage experiences. It doesn't make her irrational, the boards are yet another brilliant element of the modern age- providing support to women who used to suffer more silently- but it makes ME irrational. It makes me panic. And I can't tell when it is going to turn ugly. All I want to hear is lower back pain is totally normal. Which I do hear. I hear it a lot. But all I actually hear is the rare horror story. They are so much more graphic, and they provide an explanation, something to intellectualize. But in this case, it is intellectualizing in the wrong direction. It's like all those people with sudden wheat allergies. They know they don't feel so well, they found a trend allergy, and it helps them intellectualize what might actually be a general boredom and malaise in life. That was mean, I realize it. I believe in wheat allergies. I really do. I could probably tell you things about it. But I feel mean. And I feel hormonal. And I feel scared. And I feel the opposite of Zen.

Could I possibly be pregnant?

I see these questions on the internet all the time. A woman lists a series of symptoms, most sounding exactly the same as PMS, and then asks the world or chat room or answer page if she could possibly be pregnant. My symptom spotting days were pretty short lived, as I assume most women's are. Well, that's not quite true, I still looked for symptoms, I just didn't google them all anymore, in the hopes of some magical earth mama predictor identifying my specific combination of symptoms as special and giving me the conception go ahead. I mean the answer to the question is- you might be pregnant, you might be experiencing one of those short lived pregnancies that women never know about, or you have PMS. It is one of the three and it is far easier to tell the difference in hindsight. I am realizing the same answers apply to symptom spotting in fear of a miscarriage. There is no answer except in hindsight. It is so hard to accept not knowing what's going on in your body. And men just don't seem to understand. I can only imagine that it is the positive side to the dark experience of cancer- you have no idea what your body is doing and no recourse but to rely on tests and time while your body attacks itself. Horrible. But in honor and respect for those tortured symptom spotters who I so relate to, here goes. I tested a very light positive on an HPT at 10 days past ovulation (dpo). I didn't believe it, and tested another light positive at 11dpo. I showed my husband this one. He could kind of see it (which was a change from a false positive I got once which he couldn't see and showed up hours later- although I could always see it). He danced some sort of spermy victory dance, but I was still not convinced. I was convinced at 13 dpo when I got a darkish positive and a "pregnant 1-2" on a digital test. My symptoms? Well, I had PMS too soon. I told my best friend that I felt high and pissed. I was slightly dizzy, really, it can only be accurately described as feeling kind of high. And I was freakin emotional. I walked into a room in stretch pants and a sweatshirt and my husband said I looked like one of those ladies in the airport trying to look like Paris Hilton and I cried. He thought he had made me cry over something else he said, which I think was actually more critical, but no, it was the sweat pants. I thought they were cute and I cried my eyes out. I started feeling light cramps after that, and I usually get cramps only on the first day of my period. I hadn't had a drop in temperature, although I once got my period before my temp dropped, so I didn't think that was enough of a sign. The cramps went on for few days, which has never happened. They were very very light, not at all like the dreaded first day of a period. Finally, I felt pregnant. I had felt pregnant before and hadn't been, and I wasn't so committed that there would be tears if I got my period, but I felt pregnant. And it turns out I was. That was it. No nausea, maybe a little breast soreness but nothing noteworthy or different, no peeing a lot, nothing. If anything, it was slightly anticlimactic. I still am having trouble believing it and it has been over three weeks since I found out. Oh, there was one other thing. I got winded on my downhill walk to the gym. I'm not an Olympic athlete, and I already have a post telling you I'm overweight, but I'm in okay shape and it was pretty crazy to get winded so easily. This winded thing has continued. It was definitely a sign of pregnancy for me. And I was/am thirsty as hell. Lead this horse to water, I'm gonna drink it all!
The funny thing is, now I'm pregnant, and I'm still symptom spotting. I want to ask people on the internet if I'm having a miscarriage because my breasts hurt at different degrees throughout the day. It is exactly the same. And I'm still feeling impatient, this time for the first trimester to end so I'm more in the clear. Although I think I'll find something else to be desperate about after that. So I think I am slowly learning a lesson about this, although I haven't quite put it into words yet. I'll get back to you. Feel free to symptom spot in the comments! Or, if you have put the wisdom of waiting into words, I'd love to hear it

Six weeks one day

Okay, today is six weeks and one day. How am I feeling? Dizzy, naseaus, and unmotivated to work. Still no throwing up. Who knew I'd hope for throwing up. It's funny, I'm so scared about this pregnancy and all I want is the worst symptoms in the world because I imagine it will confirm something for me. I have no idea why I'm so scared. I have a friend who told everyone she was pregnant and the next day the scan showed the baby was dead. That shook us all to the bone. Also, a minister friend of my dad told me that my sister had a miscarriage. The minister thought I must have known and felt terrible when it became clear that I had no idea. That shocked me too. First because my sister has never told me, second because I feel so bad that she went through that pain, and third because her feelings must have been so complicated that she just decided to keep it to herself. I don't want to go through that. This blog is to document my concerns so maybe I can feel less afraid, or maybe I can feel more zen about the whole thing. I mean, I have to remember, if something goes wrong, it is truly for the best. It's just that things are so perfect right now. We will see our families right on the cusp of the second trimester, so we will get to tell them in person (we live thousands of miles away). The due date would be in July so my husband will have a lighter work load because it is summer, and there is a chance it could be born on the fourth of July, so we could parade around all patriotic in our adopted country. I have no idea why that is so satisfying. These all seem like minor things. Although, I am so homesick, the idea of telling our parents in person shines such a strong light. I really am attached to the idea. My husband has reminded me that if we lose this baby and when we conceive another one, we could always travel home to tell our parents in person then. That's true. Although I like the element of surprise with this one. They will never guess we have an announcement because it is Christmas and because my sister is introducing us to her new baby boy. It would be so fun to be a part of that joy.

Intro

Hi, I am simply writing this blog to deal with my own anxiety and need to obsess over my own pregnancy. Everything I say here I've said to my poor husband several times. He says he doesn't mind, but how could that be true? I'm saying the same things over and over. It actually makes me feel like I'm wasting his brain. And I'm feeling a little like I'm wasting my brain. So I thought I'd work on a blog. At least then I can imagine I'm helping other women, cuz all I want to feel is solidarity, and the internet can give us this. Prepare yourself though. I really don't want to whine to much in real life, so this is my chance to be brutally honest, and maybe a little whiny. I'll do my best, but this is an obsessive blog. It is my therapy and I'm gonna whine if I need to goddammit! :)
To introduce myself, I'm a 31 year old PhD student from the US. I got married a year ago and we instantly packed our bags and moved to the UK. I didn't particularly like the University town we were living in before, but I had no idea what a crazy transition it was going to be to move even further from home. My husband works as a professor and I am supposedly working on my fieldwork proposal. Supposedly. I am years behind other students in my cohort (and ahead of a few) and feeling really unmotivated. The only motivation I've been feeling is a drive to procreate. My husband and I both want it really bad. We are ready for children, ready to be parents. My problem is that I might be ready for babies, but I'm worried that without a career I am not ready for children/post-babies. I am not a housewife type. I SOOO envy the housewife types. My sister is, and I am always measuring myself up to her and coming up short. It's funny because she does the same and sees me as an educated adventurer carving my own path. I travel a lot, and lead a unique lifestyle (kinda), but I'm feeling less and less like an adventurer lately. I don't want to settle down and move to the suburbs, but I have some new interests. Like, I wouldn't mind being a tidier person. Or somebody who has matching curtains. Or maybe somebody who rents apartments for the size of the kitchen rather than the price/distance from the city center. I guess I'm changing. I still think overconsumption of commercial products is a major problem in our society, but I really want to be able to afford a Moby Wrap and pretty new bras. I am not driven to buying my future child all the best things in the world, and I'm not researching preschools before s/he is born, but I really want to get my hair done pretty and have nice maternity wear and a new jacket. It is just a real time of transition for me and it kind of scares me because I've never been so close to the edge of what I used to call "selling out" and I really want to keep my head on and find a healthy balance. Luckily my husband is invested in the same values I am, to a degree (he likes sports and used to be in the military so he is very different from my hippie upbringing, but that is a different story). Anyways, the only other part of the introduction I want to include is that I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, after trying for about half a year. So this blog is intended to follow this pregnancy. Also, I've realized in the past two weeks that I knew a lot more about pregnancy than I thought I did. I remember my mother's final pregnancy, and I followed several friends and acquaintances pregnancies pretty closely. I'm surprised by this knowledge and find it comforting. The down side is that now that I'm in a new country, many of the things I know about doctors visits and deliveries are different. This upsets me more than I expected. For example, I won't really be seeing a doctor, I'll be seeing a midwife, and there is no guarantee it will be the same midwife at every appointment, and it certainly won't be the same one at delivery. I'm trying to wrap my head around it and remember that the different ideas about pregnancy and delivery aren't better or worse than each other, they are just different. I mean, it is amazing how inexpensive this pregnancy will be thanks to the NHS, which is the public health system here. I should be comforted by that. It's funny the drive towards the familiar whenever things get even slightly stressful. And that leads to the final issue. I am not sure what the familiar is when it comes to mothering. My mom was great when I was a kid, but she was mentally ill. It was fun as a child, we went to every museum and cemetery in California (where I grew up) when she was manic, and I never noticed the lows. But that changed when I hit about 12 and she eventually killed herself about five years ago. I missed her at my wedding, but I miss her even more now. It's funny, if she were alive she could help me with my desire to have an alternative hippie pregnancy. She was good at that. Of course, she would also be calling me crying on a regular basis, or yelling at me what a piece of shit I was, or I wouldn't hear from her at all and worry she was either wandering around confused on the street or had died, so it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it is nice to know where she is, and sometimes I really wish I could call her. Okay, I think that was enough of an intro for now. <3