Bump Porn

Here is a great thread of plus size moms showing off their bumps!  I DO worry about what my bump will look like, but they all look so beautiful, it makes me feel much better! :)

Agnus Castus

So, my period is usually like clockwork. I have a period every 30 days. I knew a month before my wedding that I was going to get my period on my wedding. It is very predictable. I have fallen off track a few times, and it is usually kind of funny. My body likes being on a timetable so much that if I fall off track, my body keeps the new timetable religiously. So I went through a time of getting my period every two weeks. My body did it once, then wouldn't budge. I had to use the pill to fix that. This year my body went long and then stuck with it. The month I started taking my temperature to detect ovulation, I totally wigged out when it came time to ovulate. I stressed the fuck out. I was so sure I wasn't ovulating because a doctor once told me that because I didn't feel any mid cycle pains that proved I wasn't ovulating. I have no idea why she said that. She wasn't even all that young, so she should have been more experienced. But I digress. Anyways, I delayed my own ovulation. It came 15 days later, while I was visiting friends in Paris and was distracted. Bam, just like that. I was so relieved. Although it gave me a nearly 45 day cycle. I figured I just needed to relax the next cycle. Well, I have never been one to relax. I'm not chill. I'm not cool. Sometimes people mistake me for somebody who is cool. They are very wrong. Anyways, combine an inability to keep it cool and a body who loves to stick to a timetable, and my cycle stayed out of wack. Three months (I guess technically longer if it was 135 days) of approximately 45 day cycles and I was going nuts. I had finally figured out that I was ovulating regularly, so I was finally able to relax a little bit, but it was totally unpredictable, our timing was hard to plan, and I just didn't feel like sex every other day by the time day 30 rolled around. I had learned about vitex when I was young and worked at an herb store. I talked to a friend who is training to become a homeopath, and looked it up on the internet. It seemed like an option and I couldn't think of a reason not to try it. We call it Vitex at home, but in England they usually call it Agnus Castus, so it took me a little while to find it. I found the Nature's Way brand at Holland and Barrett and started taking it right away. I was two days out from my last period when I took it and the next day I started getting cramps. They were pretty strong and I even had to stop walking once or twice while I cramped. They were not that painful, just strong. Well, I ovulated on Cycle Day 8. That was about 3 days after my period stopped and 2 days after I started taking it. The cramps stopped after ovulation (I figured the cramps WERE ovulation) and I went on to get my period about 10 days later. I was amazed. I had always heard it took months for an herb to work. And I wasn't even sure this could be considered working. Although, when trying to conceive, it is a lot more convenient to have a short cycle. I looked on the internet again and found very little to explain what happened. I asked one of those internet questions to a supposed professional naturalist and she gave me the normal answer that it takes a few months to work and that even if something happened, it wasn't necessarily settled at this point. I also ran across a lot of contraindications for vitex. Like people saying it caused them a miscarriage and others saying it prevented a miscarriage. I hadn't really thought about what I'd do if I got pregnant while using it, I just figured I'd stop, but those websites had me scared that if i just stopped I could kill my baby. There were a lot of vague suggestions to wean yourself off. I found these suggestions really inconsistent and unclear. There were also lots of things saying to take it only the first half or second half of your cycle. The bottle itself said not to take it in pregnancy. A lady at a health food store told me that that was just so the company could protect itself against liability. She also didn't know that vitex and agnus castus were the same thing, so I didn't trust her for shit. I decided to take it until I ovulated. It made sense because I knew it had made me ovulate before, and because then I would avoid taking it while pregnant. I have no idea if this the right way to take it, and honestly, I don't think anybody on the internet knows either. I kept taking it from the last month and I ovulated on day 17 that month- which was perfect for me. It fits right into my 30 day cycle preference. The funny thing is, I haven't had a period since because I became pregnant! It is so exciting. I have no idea if vitex helped me get pregnant or if it helped correct my cycle so our timing worked or if it was a placebo effect. Either way, I still haven't had a regular cycle (hee hee), but I do intend to use it again if I have trouble with my cycle again. It is amazing, and one day I will know more about herbs and how they work. I am so glad to live in a place where it was so easy to find and where information was so available, even if it was very flawed.

Overweight and pregnant

So, I used to be skinny. Really skinny. Amenorrheic skinny. And then I met a man I thought I was going to marry. I got a little chubby and a little happy. He was a good man (if you can call him a man- we were only 18), and I have nothing terrible to say about him. I will say that I was escaping a nightmarish home life through him, and that he was a drug dealer, albeit a gentle one, so that should say enough about the relationship. When I realized I wasn't going to marry him, I still stayed with him for another year, but I lost that chub. I was looking great when that relationship ended. My weight went slightly up and down for the next five years until I started graduate school. I actually lost weight at first. I met my wonderful husband. Then my mother committed suicide. That is another story, but it is also when I started packing on the pounds. My husband claims to not mind my weight gain. It HAS been subtle, and I've always been able to carry more weight than my friends because of my proportions. I'm lucky, I gain in my breasts and my butt, not such bad places to gain. And it wasn't fast. It has taken me five years to gain about 40 pounds. I have always eaten really healthy, but I have become very sedentary. I gained the last 20ish pounds at a more rapid pace because I stopped working out. I went to the doctor last spring to talk about wanting to have a baby, my anxiety issues (I had just gone off meds after 5 years as well), and my low immunity to every cold that ever passes by. She weighed me and we were both shocked by the number. I knew I had been gaining weight, but I had no idea that I was nearly *** pounds*. She told me that my BMI was ** and that I was obese. I went home, bought a scale, and joined a gym. I have been working out ever since. Two things happened. My anxiety suddenly became very manageable! Yay! And I haven't been sick since! Knock on wood. But I haven't lost a single pound. Well, that might not be true. I fell off the wagon for about six weeks in the summer because of a constant stream of house guests demanding my attention. I think I had lost a few pounds before that, but they came right back. So, about two months ago I hired a personal trainer, at great expense. I LOVE her, although I would never be able to afford her regularly. This was my one shot, and I made my motivation that I wanted to lose weight for pregnancy. We were trying to get pregnant, but I always thought we'd have trouble because I had never gotten pregnant before, and I haven't always been the most responsible person with birth control. I figured something might be wrong with me. Even after I confirmed to myself that I was ovulating, I just thought it would take a little longer than average. My cycles had become irregular, which I attributed to stress, weight, and quitting meds. I will write a different post about how I got my cycle regular. Either way, only a month into training and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for about five months, and "not not trying" for about nine months. Again, I haven't lost a single pound. I've worked out diligently, kept a food journal that proved I was eating well, and have learned a lot of things, but haven't dropped a pound, and now I'm pregnant with a BMI of **. I want to be pregnant so badly, I do not regret not putting trying to conceive on hold. But now I am afraid of what comes next. My first midwife appointment is Friday and I am going to cover my husband's ears when they weigh me. I am dreading the lecture. I feel so frustrated, and I also feel like I am going to have limited options, be categorized as a high risk pregnancy, and that they are going to treat me like I am irresponsible. It feels really unfair because I am not a slob, I eat really healthy, and I am invested in the health of myself and my child. I feel like my category doesn't fit me, even though I want the best for my child. I hate that I am now at risk for gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and a higher risk delivery. It feels even more unfair that I am going to get a lecture rather than a comforting talk because I will be categorized as somebody who needs to be scared into not gaining too much weight. It really annoys me and makes me angry and makes me ashamed. Of course, these are all things I am anticipating, it might not happen, but the nurse who told me I was obese last spring was anything but sympathetic. When I was shocked, she said, "well, look at you". I am looking at me.

*blocked weight because I'm worried that my complaining about my particular size might make others upset- BMI be damned, weight and size is relative

Lower Back Pain at 6 weeks and three days

This is the perfect example of a new symptom that is freaking me the fuck out. My lower back hurts. I suspect it is because I am slouching on my ass all day because I feel pretty unwell. No, I'm not worried about the yucky feeling that started a couple of days ago- I welcomed it, call it morning sickness, really like normal symptoms (and I was fretting over not having any!). I've read it increases your chances of a healthy pregnancy (I've also read that this is a clear example of a cause and effect misunderstanding, but I don't care). But why is my lower back hurting? I'm not carrying any extra weight aside from bloat and sore boobs. I'm not lifting heavy items, I'm not over exerting myself. And these are the moments when google is freakin scary! There are so many tragedies in the world and on the internet they speak at a disproportionately louder volume. I have finally smartened up and stopped reading the most frightening posts, but what about the post that turns surprisingly scary. It seems all normal and optimistic, and then the writer includes her previous three miscarriage experiences. It doesn't make her irrational, the boards are yet another brilliant element of the modern age- providing support to women who used to suffer more silently- but it makes ME irrational. It makes me panic. And I can't tell when it is going to turn ugly. All I want to hear is lower back pain is totally normal. Which I do hear. I hear it a lot. But all I actually hear is the rare horror story. They are so much more graphic, and they provide an explanation, something to intellectualize. But in this case, it is intellectualizing in the wrong direction. It's like all those people with sudden wheat allergies. They know they don't feel so well, they found a trend allergy, and it helps them intellectualize what might actually be a general boredom and malaise in life. That was mean, I realize it. I believe in wheat allergies. I really do. I could probably tell you things about it. But I feel mean. And I feel hormonal. And I feel scared. And I feel the opposite of Zen.

Could I possibly be pregnant?

I see these questions on the internet all the time. A woman lists a series of symptoms, most sounding exactly the same as PMS, and then asks the world or chat room or answer page if she could possibly be pregnant. My symptom spotting days were pretty short lived, as I assume most women's are. Well, that's not quite true, I still looked for symptoms, I just didn't google them all anymore, in the hopes of some magical earth mama predictor identifying my specific combination of symptoms as special and giving me the conception go ahead. I mean the answer to the question is- you might be pregnant, you might be experiencing one of those short lived pregnancies that women never know about, or you have PMS. It is one of the three and it is far easier to tell the difference in hindsight. I am realizing the same answers apply to symptom spotting in fear of a miscarriage. There is no answer except in hindsight. It is so hard to accept not knowing what's going on in your body. And men just don't seem to understand. I can only imagine that it is the positive side to the dark experience of cancer- you have no idea what your body is doing and no recourse but to rely on tests and time while your body attacks itself. Horrible. But in honor and respect for those tortured symptom spotters who I so relate to, here goes. I tested a very light positive on an HPT at 10 days past ovulation (dpo). I didn't believe it, and tested another light positive at 11dpo. I showed my husband this one. He could kind of see it (which was a change from a false positive I got once which he couldn't see and showed up hours later- although I could always see it). He danced some sort of spermy victory dance, but I was still not convinced. I was convinced at 13 dpo when I got a darkish positive and a "pregnant 1-2" on a digital test. My symptoms? Well, I had PMS too soon. I told my best friend that I felt high and pissed. I was slightly dizzy, really, it can only be accurately described as feeling kind of high. And I was freakin emotional. I walked into a room in stretch pants and a sweatshirt and my husband said I looked like one of those ladies in the airport trying to look like Paris Hilton and I cried. He thought he had made me cry over something else he said, which I think was actually more critical, but no, it was the sweat pants. I thought they were cute and I cried my eyes out. I started feeling light cramps after that, and I usually get cramps only on the first day of my period. I hadn't had a drop in temperature, although I once got my period before my temp dropped, so I didn't think that was enough of a sign. The cramps went on for few days, which has never happened. They were very very light, not at all like the dreaded first day of a period. Finally, I felt pregnant. I had felt pregnant before and hadn't been, and I wasn't so committed that there would be tears if I got my period, but I felt pregnant. And it turns out I was. That was it. No nausea, maybe a little breast soreness but nothing noteworthy or different, no peeing a lot, nothing. If anything, it was slightly anticlimactic. I still am having trouble believing it and it has been over three weeks since I found out. Oh, there was one other thing. I got winded on my downhill walk to the gym. I'm not an Olympic athlete, and I already have a post telling you I'm overweight, but I'm in okay shape and it was pretty crazy to get winded so easily. This winded thing has continued. It was definitely a sign of pregnancy for me. And I was/am thirsty as hell. Lead this horse to water, I'm gonna drink it all!
The funny thing is, now I'm pregnant, and I'm still symptom spotting. I want to ask people on the internet if I'm having a miscarriage because my breasts hurt at different degrees throughout the day. It is exactly the same. And I'm still feeling impatient, this time for the first trimester to end so I'm more in the clear. Although I think I'll find something else to be desperate about after that. So I think I am slowly learning a lesson about this, although I haven't quite put it into words yet. I'll get back to you. Feel free to symptom spot in the comments! Or, if you have put the wisdom of waiting into words, I'd love to hear it

Six weeks one day

Okay, today is six weeks and one day. How am I feeling? Dizzy, naseaus, and unmotivated to work. Still no throwing up. Who knew I'd hope for throwing up. It's funny, I'm so scared about this pregnancy and all I want is the worst symptoms in the world because I imagine it will confirm something for me. I have no idea why I'm so scared. I have a friend who told everyone she was pregnant and the next day the scan showed the baby was dead. That shook us all to the bone. Also, a minister friend of my dad told me that my sister had a miscarriage. The minister thought I must have known and felt terrible when it became clear that I had no idea. That shocked me too. First because my sister has never told me, second because I feel so bad that she went through that pain, and third because her feelings must have been so complicated that she just decided to keep it to herself. I don't want to go through that. This blog is to document my concerns so maybe I can feel less afraid, or maybe I can feel more zen about the whole thing. I mean, I have to remember, if something goes wrong, it is truly for the best. It's just that things are so perfect right now. We will see our families right on the cusp of the second trimester, so we will get to tell them in person (we live thousands of miles away). The due date would be in July so my husband will have a lighter work load because it is summer, and there is a chance it could be born on the fourth of July, so we could parade around all patriotic in our adopted country. I have no idea why that is so satisfying. These all seem like minor things. Although, I am so homesick, the idea of telling our parents in person shines such a strong light. I really am attached to the idea. My husband has reminded me that if we lose this baby and when we conceive another one, we could always travel home to tell our parents in person then. That's true. Although I like the element of surprise with this one. They will never guess we have an announcement because it is Christmas and because my sister is introducing us to her new baby boy. It would be so fun to be a part of that joy.

Intro

Hi, I am simply writing this blog to deal with my own anxiety and need to obsess over my own pregnancy. Everything I say here I've said to my poor husband several times. He says he doesn't mind, but how could that be true? I'm saying the same things over and over. It actually makes me feel like I'm wasting his brain. And I'm feeling a little like I'm wasting my brain. So I thought I'd work on a blog. At least then I can imagine I'm helping other women, cuz all I want to feel is solidarity, and the internet can give us this. Prepare yourself though. I really don't want to whine to much in real life, so this is my chance to be brutally honest, and maybe a little whiny. I'll do my best, but this is an obsessive blog. It is my therapy and I'm gonna whine if I need to goddammit! :)
To introduce myself, I'm a 31 year old PhD student from the US. I got married a year ago and we instantly packed our bags and moved to the UK. I didn't particularly like the University town we were living in before, but I had no idea what a crazy transition it was going to be to move even further from home. My husband works as a professor and I am supposedly working on my fieldwork proposal. Supposedly. I am years behind other students in my cohort (and ahead of a few) and feeling really unmotivated. The only motivation I've been feeling is a drive to procreate. My husband and I both want it really bad. We are ready for children, ready to be parents. My problem is that I might be ready for babies, but I'm worried that without a career I am not ready for children/post-babies. I am not a housewife type. I SOOO envy the housewife types. My sister is, and I am always measuring myself up to her and coming up short. It's funny because she does the same and sees me as an educated adventurer carving my own path. I travel a lot, and lead a unique lifestyle (kinda), but I'm feeling less and less like an adventurer lately. I don't want to settle down and move to the suburbs, but I have some new interests. Like, I wouldn't mind being a tidier person. Or somebody who has matching curtains. Or maybe somebody who rents apartments for the size of the kitchen rather than the price/distance from the city center. I guess I'm changing. I still think overconsumption of commercial products is a major problem in our society, but I really want to be able to afford a Moby Wrap and pretty new bras. I am not driven to buying my future child all the best things in the world, and I'm not researching preschools before s/he is born, but I really want to get my hair done pretty and have nice maternity wear and a new jacket. It is just a real time of transition for me and it kind of scares me because I've never been so close to the edge of what I used to call "selling out" and I really want to keep my head on and find a healthy balance. Luckily my husband is invested in the same values I am, to a degree (he likes sports and used to be in the military so he is very different from my hippie upbringing, but that is a different story). Anyways, the only other part of the introduction I want to include is that I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, after trying for about half a year. So this blog is intended to follow this pregnancy. Also, I've realized in the past two weeks that I knew a lot more about pregnancy than I thought I did. I remember my mother's final pregnancy, and I followed several friends and acquaintances pregnancies pretty closely. I'm surprised by this knowledge and find it comforting. The down side is that now that I'm in a new country, many of the things I know about doctors visits and deliveries are different. This upsets me more than I expected. For example, I won't really be seeing a doctor, I'll be seeing a midwife, and there is no guarantee it will be the same midwife at every appointment, and it certainly won't be the same one at delivery. I'm trying to wrap my head around it and remember that the different ideas about pregnancy and delivery aren't better or worse than each other, they are just different. I mean, it is amazing how inexpensive this pregnancy will be thanks to the NHS, which is the public health system here. I should be comforted by that. It's funny the drive towards the familiar whenever things get even slightly stressful. And that leads to the final issue. I am not sure what the familiar is when it comes to mothering. My mom was great when I was a kid, but she was mentally ill. It was fun as a child, we went to every museum and cemetery in California (where I grew up) when she was manic, and I never noticed the lows. But that changed when I hit about 12 and she eventually killed herself about five years ago. I missed her at my wedding, but I miss her even more now. It's funny, if she were alive she could help me with my desire to have an alternative hippie pregnancy. She was good at that. Of course, she would also be calling me crying on a regular basis, or yelling at me what a piece of shit I was, or I wouldn't hear from her at all and worry she was either wandering around confused on the street or had died, so it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it is nice to know where she is, and sometimes I really wish I could call her. Okay, I think that was enough of an intro for now. <3