Still Sick While Pregnant

So, I have been pretty sick this week, with yesterday being so bad that I almost called an ambulance because I was having so much trouble breathing.  I went to the doctor two days ago, and they upped my inhalor and nasal spray prescriptions/recommendations and I was told to come back if it got worse.  I probably should have gone back yesterday, but I was so sick I didn't know what to do and my husband was at work and I wasn't exactly rational and when he got home, the worst had passed and we decided that we would go to the doctor today if things stayed the same.  Well, things were better today, which was such a relief.  I woke up feeling better and I was so excited that I jumped out of bed ready to do all the things I have put aside while sick, but unfortunately I was still pretty sick today and ended up back in bed again, tail between my legs and wiped out.  Still, it's improvement and I expect tomorrow to be better.  I have been pretty bored and had a lot of time to think. 

One thought was that I have feared getting this sick from the beginning of my pregnancy.  I catch bronchitis frequently, and have had pneumonia three times, and last winter was a tough one for me because, being in a new country with these bronchial weaknesses, I caught every damn cold that went around.  At one point last year, especially in hindsight, I had a real scare.  I was having so much trouble breathing that I had to sit in a particular position just to gasp for air.  It was awful and I feared having it happen in pregnancy.  Well, now it has, and really, it wasn't that bad.  Yes, I was sick, and yes, I was scared, but if this was my biggest fear, then I'm okay.  It's kind of a nice realization.

The second thing I've been thinking about are expectations in pregnancy.  My friend, once she heard how sick I was, asked, "So, you are having a tough pregnancy, huh?"  I had to really think about the answer.  My instinct, like every woman in my family, was to say, no, no, it's not that bad.  The women in my family always pretend like everything is great and that they are a picture of health.  Even during my mother's decline into mental illness the women were all saying she was suffering from a "little dehydration", and that her paranoia and hallucinations would go away if she could just get a little more water down.  My mom guzzled water like a, well, mad woman, and some of her female relatives still believe she was a "little dehydrated".  The level of bullshit boils my blood, just think of the help she could have gotten if somebody had faced the facts in the beginning... But I digress.  I also didn't want to answer my friend in a whiny complaining voice that this pregnancy has been hard, because in reality it hasn't been, it has just been harder than I expected.  And that's kind of the point.  I really believed that pregnancy was going to be all mother nature and fairy tales.  I thought I was going to be the epitome of grace and strength, and never thought about why I might need to be strong.  I never expected to be so needy with my husband, or that aches and pains were going to bother me so much.  I though I was going to easily wrap up my pre-child life and prepare for my life as a mother.  I never thought I'd spend so much time on the couch, or so much time moping and crying.  I told my friend that I guess it HAS been a hard pregnancy for me, but not because I've had a hard pregnancy.  It's been hard for me because of my perspective, I had no idea it was going to be challenging and I have had a bruised ego every step of the way.  She groaned and said that she dreads pregnancy because of how hard it seems, which made me feel better.  Maybe I need to go buy one of those complaining pregnancy books, like "Pregnancy Sucks" and just join my actual peer group, rather than continuing to aspire to be part of fairy land.  Or maybe I need to switch my perspective around and acknowledge that the next four months are going to be kind of tough, rather than super easy.  I mean, I understand why the women in my family want to make pregnancy seem easy, they don't want to complain and, especially with my mom and sister, they don't want to scare other women, but maybe it has really done me a disservice.  Maybe I need to start being a little more scared of labor and delivery.  And maybe I can stop being so scared of myself as a mother.  My mom made it pretty clear she hated being a mom half the time.  Maybe I've over interpreted one element of her life, parenthood, and under interpreted another, pregnancy.

Doula

Well, tonight the doula we have been considering hiring came over for an interview.  I just loved her, and she made a much better impression than the first time we met her.  She brought books and DVDs and is so excited about all things childbirth, which I really liked.  My first impression of her was that she was a little too pro- homebirth, and possibly one of those women who might be interested in using my uterus as a soapbox.  I am not anti-homebirth, but I really want somebody who listens to me and is amendable to my needs, so this sent up some red flags for me.  But she has totally redeemed herself.  She is pretty normal, but has just enough hippy in her for me to totally get down with.  I like that she has traveled the world and that she has a global perspective on childbirth and child rearing.  I like that she gave me an article on how funny it would be if we made a medical intervention out of a man having to poop really bad.  I like that she thought some things were gross, but also that she was open to lots of stuff.  She seemed to have good boundaries and I actually think we had a lot in common, so maybe she is a future friend as well.  I'm just really happy about our decision to hire her, and I feel like every time I talk to her she just fills me with more useful knowledge.  I really believe that knowledge is power in this whole pregnancy thing and it's nice to have a few women around to ask questions of, and it is especially nice to have a woman like her around.  I really needed a sane hippy in my life and I think I may have found one. :)

Meghann's Tips for Pregnant Girls

from http://mattandmegh.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-08-27T23%3A51%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=7

*Never, ever postpone even the slightest urge to pee. That UTI will attack your bladder in seconds flat.

*The first trimester and constant worrying go hand in hand.

*It feels better to waddle. Do it.

*Eating something right before you go to bed helps you fall asleep faster.

*Make the most revolting face conceivable when you smell something disgusting. It helps you feel like you're getting some kind of revenge.

*If you get a feeling the OB you chose isn't competent or listening to what you say, don't be afraid you're hurting his/her feelings by changing to a different one. When you have your blood drawn by a nurse who searches frantically for a cotton ball while you sit there bleeding on yourself, no, your standards are not too high.

*Don't compare yourself too much to other pregnant girls, everyone's body is different, pregnant or not.

*Fight the urge to be creative when someone asks how you're feeling. Just say how you feel, so you aren't standing there with a stumped look on your face thinking of how to answer.

*That Snoogle body pillow isn't for everyone.

*Look into getting someone to give you a nickel for every time you hear, say or think the word pregnant.

*Only those uncompromising pregnancy hormones could cause you to declare war on your husband, your best friend in the world, during such an exciting time. Take deep breaths. Hope he understands.

*If someone doesn't comment on your oh-so-obvious pregnant status, that doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it. Stand near them for more than two minutes, and they'll say what they're thinking.

*It's ok to feel a little guilty when you take a Tylenol.

*Accept that you're going to be stared at. If someone isn't gawking at the belly, they're probably stressed or something's wrong with them.

*Smile at other pregnant girls.

*A lot of people look down their noses at you if you admit you're hoping specifically for a boy or a girl. Say you just want a healthy baby. That happens to be a girl.

*Mix a childcare book or two into your pregnancy book collection.

*Write down questions before your OB appointments - even if you already know the answer - so you don't feel as **** when it's over in five minutes.

*Crunchy things make the most satisfying food choices. Specifically, pickles and ice.

*If you have a cat, let it sit on your belly and purr.

*Shopping at your favorite pre-preg clothing stores (with intent to buy XL sizes) during the third trimester will probably make you feel sad. Matt: Did you see anything? Me: Yep. Skinny girls. We belong in the maternity stores now, drink the water when they offer it to you.

*Don't pick a baby name that you wouldn't mind being named yourself.

*Try laying flat on the floor when your back hurts.

*Babies R Us sells Motherhood Maternity clothing. This saves you a trip to the mall, especially since you spend all your shopping time at Babies R Us anyway. Baby Gap also has some impressive baby gear.

*Don't feel bad swiping your hubby's second pillow to wedge behind your back when you sleep.

*It's fun to smile at baby kicks. Although I'll admit that the hiccups lose their cuteness after a couple episodes.

*Pregnancy is a privilege that not everyone is blessed with. Be really thankful and excited God gave it to you.

Sad, and guilty about being sad

So last night I was up with my cough, and I was so frustrated and felt really alone and sorry for myself and I just started to cry.  I cried harder than I've cried in a while.  I just didn't feel good, and I was sick of being pregnant, and I felt really guilty about feeling sick of being pregnant and I was just so ashamed and sorry.  I have been having this niggling feeling that I would be more of an earth mother if I could just visualize the end product, my beautiful baby.  I just keep thinking that if I could keep the image of a baby in my mind, then everything will fall into perspective, and I wouldn't feel so frustrated with the small inconveniences of pregnancy.  But that just doesn't happen.  I can't picture my baby, and I feel so guilty about it.  I sometimes wonder if I even want a baby, which is crazy because I wanted one so badly for so many years before it was the right time for me to have one.  I am also so grateful that we were able to get pregnant, and relatively quickly, and I feel like I am jinxing everything anytime I think negatively.  But there you go, sometimes I'm just scared, and not very excited, and just can't gain perspective, and it just makes me want to cry.  I'm so worried about having a bratty child, or about turning into my mother, and also I'm scared because I haven't finished all the things I want to do, and now this baby is about to become my life, and I know that is unhealthy in the long run.  I'm frustrated by how weak I am, how sick I got in Switzerland, and by the growing realization that I might not be able to visit my friend in China, something I have wanted to do for years and always have put off because it seemed like the money could be better spent elsewhere.  I am usually so impractical, such a free spirit, and I'm realizing that I'm actually very practical, and about to become more practical, and it makes me not recognize myself.  I'm not worried about being a bad mother, my mother was great when we were young, I'm just scared of being the adult that my mother was, somebody who put all her hopes and dreams in her children, and when we began to break away, she had nothing.  Last night I had a dream my sister got married too young to the wrong man and I was too busy arguing with my mother to attend her wedding.  It wasn't like she waited for me, or even put me in it, but I was so caught up in my own issues, that I missed what was going on with her.  This is really my fear.  I am so scared of not living every moment because I am so caught up with my past.  And I'm scared of repeating the mistakes of my parents, of my husband getting distant like my father was when I was a child, of me going crazy and not being heard, like my mother, and while I would never follow in my mother's footsteps of suicide, I worry about a symbolic suicide, of just giving up.  I already feel like I give up all the time.  I never know if I'm lazy or depressed.  My husband does so much more around the house than I do, and I feel like I am useless and worthless.  I want things that I don't go out to get.  I have no idea how to motivate myself.  Again, I have never doubted that once I had a baby that some of these things will change, I will be forced to move about and pull my weight, but I feel so guilty in the meantime.  My husband says that if I want to do something I just need to do it.  I wish I could follow that advice.  People see us as adventuring go getters, and it is possible that I don't give myself enough credit, but I really want to get perspective on this pregnancy, and not feel so damn miserable all the time, and I don't know how to do it.

Exciting things last week (week 18)

#1 This baby is moving!! I can feel it very clearly, no more wondering if it is gas.  It is a totally strange feeling, and sometimes even tickles me.  I even played a game with the baby where I pushed and then it pushed.  I have no idea if the baby was playing with me, but it was so wonderful and I now I can see why women feel like pregnancy is so magical, I can't believe my little one is inside me!  My husband has tried a number of times to feel the baby as well, but even though I feel like I can sometimes feel the kicks from the outside, it is so hard to tell, and my husband can't feel a thing.  I can't wait for him to feel!

#2 I debuted my bump.  I can still completely disguise my bump, but in Switzerland I didn't feel like getting dressed up after the hot springs, so I just put on my long john shirt and an open sweater, and you could see that bump.  Now, I still probably looked like somebody wearing their pants too tight and have blubber hanging out the top, but my husband and I were so excited.  It was fun feeling like I looked pregnant, even if others who didn't know couldn't quite tell.

Oh, and something funny.  I am totally blaming my baby when I pig out!  Like, if I have junk food in my hand I unconsciously rub my belly, as if telling people that I'm not a pig, I'm pregnant.  It is shameless, and totally cracked me up when I realized what I was doing!

Pregnancy Week 19

More Traveling While Pregnant

So this weekend my husband and I got a last minute, paid for, chance to jet off to Switzerland for a work conference.  It was awesome.  I will probably add more to this post later, but I just want to say that for the most part, because of my past traveling while pregnant experience, I had some ideas about what to expect.  The biggest change for us was prioritizing sleep for me.  Instead of trying to get to Geneva and the Alps in one day, which is a plane ride, then a train ride, then a bus ride, we flew in, stayed one night in Geneva, and then did the second half of our trip the next day, and then took a nice nap.  It worked like a charm, and I was able to enjoy the train and bus rides, which were just beautiful.  We also scheduled flights at sleep appropriate times, and decided against trying to fly in early morning, and returning late, which we often do to save money and take full advantage of time.  We also made our own travel plans, instead of relying on conference planners.  For the most part, we are very flexible and love to go with the flow and see what adventures we get into.  But we didn't do this for this trip- we planned our own trip and, while we stayed flexible, we only relied on ourselves.  This was a huge comfort to me.  Finally, I scheduled an afternoon nap every day.  This turned out to be vital because I was exhausted very easily. 
The thing I would have changed was that I wish I had brought more snacks so I wouldn't be on the conference planners exact meal plans, but the gift shops had treats so I never went hungry.  That said, I had to eat cookies for dinner one night when I couldn't stomach the food options, and I was pretty sick to my stomach as a result.  I had to fore go some of the spa treatments because I wasn't sure if they were okay with pregnancy, and the language barrier was enough to make me not want to risk a misunderstanding, but that was no big deal.  And the natural hot/warm springs were amazing, and so comfortable, and the trip was so romantic. 
Oh, but here are some things that I couldn't have anticipated and that made a difference.  I felt a lot less flexible on the food issue.  We spent our last day walking around Geneva, which is a cosmopolitan city that I have been to before (and I've been to jail there as well, but that is a different story).  There is nothing particularly foreign about it, but navigating it was infinitely tougher for me than I expected.  Our walk turned into a full fledged hunt for food, and the hungrier I got the more indecisive and paranoid I got about restaurant quality and dangerous ingredients- I had already accidentally ate half a vodka sorbet without realizing there was vodka in it and I didn't want to make the same mistake with cheese.  I felt overwhelmed by the language barriers, even though most people spoke English and, of course, most people we encountered were very nice.  I just didn't want to deal with it.  I started to not even want to approach people in French, even though I can make myself understood enough through rough French and hand signals, but it all started to feel very hard.  And finally, I couldn't walk as much as I wanted.  We were walking a pretty normal amount for visiting a European city, and I got tired much more quickly and got a cramp in my right side, the same cramp that has been bothering me for two weeks now.  When I got to the bathroom I noticed I had some staining, which was so slight that I'm not even sure it was blood, but I was just at the end of my rope and didn't want to move around anymore.  This, of course, was impossible, and we left to catch our plane early, but it was still hours before we were home.  All of this makes me wonder if going to China next month is a bad idea.  My friend says that people get sick and tired visiting China anyways, and I got sick visiting freakin' Geneva, how is China going to hit me?  I have a lot of thinking about it to do, and I'm frustrated that even though the trip was great, I had pretty real limitations that were hard for me to understand and express.

Being sick while pregnant sucks!

So, I never totally understood why pregnant women complained so much when they were sick.  It's not like the sickness was worse, right? And really, it's not like taking cold medication makes that much of a difference, so how much could they possibly be missing it now that it's off limits?  Well, now I understand.  Being sick while pregnant sucks!  I have a regular old cold.  Because I don't work outside of the house, I would still probably be laying around feeling sorry for myself even if I wasn't pregnant, but I feel so much sorrier for myself now.  It's making me a little depressed, and it hurts my pelvis area when I cough, which of course makes me worry about the baby.  But that is not really why being sick is worse when you are pregnant, it is all the extra needs you/baby has, then added on to a cold.  For example, my bones hurt anyways.  I don't feel good if I veg out on the couch for too long because my back gets stiff and my head starts to hurt.  So I am resigned to my bed, which still hurts, but less.  Also, usually when I have a cold I'm not very hungry.  I look for some matzo ball soup at dinner time, and I'm happy drinking water.  Now my baby is hungry and I am hungry.  I am so sick of being hungry.  I don't like eating that much, I'm not a very hungry person.  In fact it is the reason I have weight issues in the first place, I am a poor eater.  But now I am hungry and have to pull myself out of bed every few hours, walk down two flights of stairs, and eat something tasteless and borderline nauseating, in the hopes it will fill me up enough to last a few hours.  Even water tastes gross, and it all gives me a stomach ache, and I have absolutely no choice, I HAVE to do it, I am not in charge of my body.  Also, I have to pee a lot.  So I need to drink water to try to stay hydrated, and then I have to pee a ton.  The toilet is down some stairs too (we live in a classic British back to back) and by the time I get back upstairs I am so out of breath I'm panting.  I'm already short on breath now that I'm pregnant, and short on breath cuz my lungs are full of gunk, and add the stairs and I'm wide awake by the time I get back to bed and have to start winding down all over again.  Finally, being sick is scaring me.  I have a tendency to get really sick in the winter, and have had pneumonia a number of times, and used to get bronchitis every year.  I've been good this winter, taken my nose spray, sanitized my hands, but our trip to Switzerland really took me out I think (more on that in another post).  So now I'm worried about getting sicker, and not totally sure how to prevent it except to lie in this damn bed and feel sorry for myself.  Boo freakin hoo.

18 weeks- about a day ahead of myself :)

The only pattern I've noticed in movements is that I think the baby woke up when my husband came home the other night and started talking.  I think it jumped around!  So cute if this is true!  I also feel it, of all places, on the bus!  I can't tell why, the only times I have felt strong movement have been two times when I'm on the bus.  Maybe I have a little bus driver on board!

week 17 (sorry I missed a few)

17 weeks and cramps and peeing a lot

Well, this has been a bit of an uncomfortable week.  I just haven't regained the energy I was promised, I'm still sleeping badly, and now I'm peeing ALL THE TIME!  I always worried that I wasn't getting that pregnancy symptom before, but now I'm making up for lost time.  Also, I've had some pretty strong cramping.  They were strong enough that I called my midwife, but she said that I probably didn't need to worry about it, but that I could call the hospital if I thought it was necessary.  Again, I'm so glad to have this doppler.  I know the baby is alive and healthy, and the cramps mostly scare me more than they hurt me, so I'm not wasting another ultra sound- I want it at the right time this time- 20 weeks!

Is that movement?

Okay, I'm turning the corner into my 18th week and I'm still confused about whether I'm feeling movement or gas.  I have been feeling something since 15 weeks, and it got stronger last week, but it is so inconsistent that it is impossible to tell.  Up until last week it felt like there was a caterpillar in my belly, now it feels more like something bumping around.  I am beginning to get impatient, I want to feel my little munchkin!