Still Sick While Pregnant

So, I have been pretty sick this week, with yesterday being so bad that I almost called an ambulance because I was having so much trouble breathing.  I went to the doctor two days ago, and they upped my inhalor and nasal spray prescriptions/recommendations and I was told to come back if it got worse.  I probably should have gone back yesterday, but I was so sick I didn't know what to do and my husband was at work and I wasn't exactly rational and when he got home, the worst had passed and we decided that we would go to the doctor today if things stayed the same.  Well, things were better today, which was such a relief.  I woke up feeling better and I was so excited that I jumped out of bed ready to do all the things I have put aside while sick, but unfortunately I was still pretty sick today and ended up back in bed again, tail between my legs and wiped out.  Still, it's improvement and I expect tomorrow to be better.  I have been pretty bored and had a lot of time to think. 

One thought was that I have feared getting this sick from the beginning of my pregnancy.  I catch bronchitis frequently, and have had pneumonia three times, and last winter was a tough one for me because, being in a new country with these bronchial weaknesses, I caught every damn cold that went around.  At one point last year, especially in hindsight, I had a real scare.  I was having so much trouble breathing that I had to sit in a particular position just to gasp for air.  It was awful and I feared having it happen in pregnancy.  Well, now it has, and really, it wasn't that bad.  Yes, I was sick, and yes, I was scared, but if this was my biggest fear, then I'm okay.  It's kind of a nice realization.

The second thing I've been thinking about are expectations in pregnancy.  My friend, once she heard how sick I was, asked, "So, you are having a tough pregnancy, huh?"  I had to really think about the answer.  My instinct, like every woman in my family, was to say, no, no, it's not that bad.  The women in my family always pretend like everything is great and that they are a picture of health.  Even during my mother's decline into mental illness the women were all saying she was suffering from a "little dehydration", and that her paranoia and hallucinations would go away if she could just get a little more water down.  My mom guzzled water like a, well, mad woman, and some of her female relatives still believe she was a "little dehydrated".  The level of bullshit boils my blood, just think of the help she could have gotten if somebody had faced the facts in the beginning... But I digress.  I also didn't want to answer my friend in a whiny complaining voice that this pregnancy has been hard, because in reality it hasn't been, it has just been harder than I expected.  And that's kind of the point.  I really believed that pregnancy was going to be all mother nature and fairy tales.  I thought I was going to be the epitome of grace and strength, and never thought about why I might need to be strong.  I never expected to be so needy with my husband, or that aches and pains were going to bother me so much.  I though I was going to easily wrap up my pre-child life and prepare for my life as a mother.  I never thought I'd spend so much time on the couch, or so much time moping and crying.  I told my friend that I guess it HAS been a hard pregnancy for me, but not because I've had a hard pregnancy.  It's been hard for me because of my perspective, I had no idea it was going to be challenging and I have had a bruised ego every step of the way.  She groaned and said that she dreads pregnancy because of how hard it seems, which made me feel better.  Maybe I need to go buy one of those complaining pregnancy books, like "Pregnancy Sucks" and just join my actual peer group, rather than continuing to aspire to be part of fairy land.  Or maybe I need to switch my perspective around and acknowledge that the next four months are going to be kind of tough, rather than super easy.  I mean, I understand why the women in my family want to make pregnancy seem easy, they don't want to complain and, especially with my mom and sister, they don't want to scare other women, but maybe it has really done me a disservice.  Maybe I need to start being a little more scared of labor and delivery.  And maybe I can stop being so scared of myself as a mother.  My mom made it pretty clear she hated being a mom half the time.  Maybe I've over interpreted one element of her life, parenthood, and under interpreted another, pregnancy.