Sad, and guilty about being sad

So last night I was up with my cough, and I was so frustrated and felt really alone and sorry for myself and I just started to cry.  I cried harder than I've cried in a while.  I just didn't feel good, and I was sick of being pregnant, and I felt really guilty about feeling sick of being pregnant and I was just so ashamed and sorry.  I have been having this niggling feeling that I would be more of an earth mother if I could just visualize the end product, my beautiful baby.  I just keep thinking that if I could keep the image of a baby in my mind, then everything will fall into perspective, and I wouldn't feel so frustrated with the small inconveniences of pregnancy.  But that just doesn't happen.  I can't picture my baby, and I feel so guilty about it.  I sometimes wonder if I even want a baby, which is crazy because I wanted one so badly for so many years before it was the right time for me to have one.  I am also so grateful that we were able to get pregnant, and relatively quickly, and I feel like I am jinxing everything anytime I think negatively.  But there you go, sometimes I'm just scared, and not very excited, and just can't gain perspective, and it just makes me want to cry.  I'm so worried about having a bratty child, or about turning into my mother, and also I'm scared because I haven't finished all the things I want to do, and now this baby is about to become my life, and I know that is unhealthy in the long run.  I'm frustrated by how weak I am, how sick I got in Switzerland, and by the growing realization that I might not be able to visit my friend in China, something I have wanted to do for years and always have put off because it seemed like the money could be better spent elsewhere.  I am usually so impractical, such a free spirit, and I'm realizing that I'm actually very practical, and about to become more practical, and it makes me not recognize myself.  I'm not worried about being a bad mother, my mother was great when we were young, I'm just scared of being the adult that my mother was, somebody who put all her hopes and dreams in her children, and when we began to break away, she had nothing.  Last night I had a dream my sister got married too young to the wrong man and I was too busy arguing with my mother to attend her wedding.  It wasn't like she waited for me, or even put me in it, but I was so caught up in my own issues, that I missed what was going on with her.  This is really my fear.  I am so scared of not living every moment because I am so caught up with my past.  And I'm scared of repeating the mistakes of my parents, of my husband getting distant like my father was when I was a child, of me going crazy and not being heard, like my mother, and while I would never follow in my mother's footsteps of suicide, I worry about a symbolic suicide, of just giving up.  I already feel like I give up all the time.  I never know if I'm lazy or depressed.  My husband does so much more around the house than I do, and I feel like I am useless and worthless.  I want things that I don't go out to get.  I have no idea how to motivate myself.  Again, I have never doubted that once I had a baby that some of these things will change, I will be forced to move about and pull my weight, but I feel so guilty in the meantime.  My husband says that if I want to do something I just need to do it.  I wish I could follow that advice.  People see us as adventuring go getters, and it is possible that I don't give myself enough credit, but I really want to get perspective on this pregnancy, and not feel so damn miserable all the time, and I don't know how to do it.