Marriage post baby

ok- so I can see why kids interfere in a marriage in sooo many ways.  Today's ways:  we are both worried about money.  This makes me agitated and up all night, makes my husband distant and short with me.  I spend hours trying to figure out why he is "mad" at me, and it always takes me a long time to realize that he is just as stressed as I am, probably more because he is the bread winner.  Second, this weekend was soooo boring.  I am sick of sitting home in front of the TV with the baby, I want to do something.  But of course I don't want to spend any money until we are caught up.  And he enjoys sitting around after a week at work- I get to do it all week- now he wants to chill and cuddle. Another thing is how boring I've become.  I only want to talk about baby, and can't even listen when he talks about work.  I realize this is all me.  Although I do sometimes feel like he doesn't understand what it's like to be a human vending machine and how it has been so difficult so every blip makes me stew for ages.  Anyways, I'm sure there will be more things.  I would tell myself that we need to communicate more, but I'm all touched out.  I'm giving so much emotionally to my baby that I just don't know how to give to my husband right now.  I am hoping that I can just trust in the marriage and have faith that we will get through this young baby stage and can give more on the other side.  It is hard and frustrating though, and feels very lonely.

So, while I was late, waiting for Donovan (story of birth to follow), I spent all this time looking for magical reasons why he might be late.  I looked at phases of the moon, I examined the Tarot cards to see if they could offer insight (I don't believe in them magically, but I thought they might be able to reveal some wisdom through reflection), I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if there was something in my psyche holding me back, I spoke to my husband a lot about things that could potentially be bothering me- like missing my mom or feeling pressure to have a perfect home birth, I meditated, held rose quartz crystal, reflected on woman hood, read Ina May, got deep, did acupuncture (don't consider this magic, suspects it actually released endorphins which may have helped get him here- will have to do some research when I'm getting more than 2 hours sleep at a time), did homeopathy (total fucking magic, but I was desperate and easily talked into bullshit), smelled lavendar and clary sage, made birth affirmation recordings.  But I realize in hindsight that the magic is actually in the baby coming itself.  There may have been things holding me back, he was very slightly out of position, but the reality is that there is no greater magic than a baby coming when he wants to, when he needs to.  I don't need to find human projections of magic on something that is already so magical.  He came when he was ready, we needed a lot of help and support and research to make sure he was allowed to come in his own time, and now that he is here we can be fully confident that if the moon was holding him up, or my brain, or some poor handling of crystals, it all came together in the end, we were ready for him when he got here and he was ready for us.  He showed no signs of being overdue, his nails are the right length, the placenta was in perfect condition, and I just thank the stars in the sky he is here.

Two days past due date! :)

Well, here I am- two days past the due date.  I actually fully expected this, to the point where both my sister and my doula told me to stop saying it in case I willed it into being.  But I don't think I willed it into being, I just feel like we needed a few more days.  I'm pretty sure my conception and due dates are correct, so I am expecting him any time.  I was just viewing the due date as a goal date to get past- I really wanted a fully cooked little munchkin, especially with all the health problems I've had throughout this pregnancy.  I also really started to enjoy pregnancy at around the 2/3's point, so I wouldn't mind a little extra time.  That said, I don't want THAT much extra time.  I fully expect to get pregnant again in the future, and I am so excited to meet this monkey and get this show on the road.  I also am in a particularly zen mood right now, a mood that can be shattered by very small things- like not being able to find a cheap walk in hair cut immediately yesterday.  Or the girl from my NCT class having her baby a week early last week.  I cannot believe the level of jealousy I felt towards her.  It made me mad all day, and there was no cheering me up or making me feel better.  It just had to pass.  That said, I'm feeling really good, and my midwife is really happy with my blood pressure, with baby's position (2-3/5 something or other?), and with how I look.  I don't feel that swollen, although my rings are beginning to be a very small nuisance, and it's kind of fun to tell people I am overdue since I'm still pretty sparky when out and about.  Of course, when in, I'm exhausted.  Exhaustion has been the key component of pregnancy for me, and I just hope it doesn't interfere with labor.  Speaking of labor, here are my symptoms.  I am crampy, with some lower back ache.  For the past 2-3 days I've been in a bit of a hormone haze- although I don't mind the high, and am very annoyed by anything breaking it- like phonecalls from well wishers and the skype calls we feel obligated to make to our parents.  It gets a little frustrating though when I can't remember to do ANYTHING only two seconds after I set out to do it.  Normally lists help me with scatter brain, but I also am having a hard time keeping track of my lists, so some things just aren't going to get done.  After trying out tons of hypno birth cds, I've settled on the Marie Mongan one.  I actually am not so sure it's better than the others, I've been pretty disappointed by all of them, I think it is just the one that suits me best because it has an American accent, which is such a strange preference for me.  I'll do a separate review of the tapes.  I've also read most of the books I wanted to read and we both feel really prepared for our homebirth. We have the pool, we have a box of things we might need, we have treats for the midwives, I've packed an emergency hospital bag for both me and baby, and I've gotten all my essential oils and labor distraction stuff ready.   I want to buy or make a present for my doula, and need to print my birth plan.  Beyond that, the things I want to do are all cosmetic- like sew together curtains rather than tack them up, or clean maniacally (not that I have energy for that), or read a book I consider optional rather than necessary.  Oh, I do want to try to put some birth affirmations on my ipod.  Anyways, I'm pretty sure I had my first, and only, contraction today about three hours ago.  I was surprised by how much it hurt, and how I forgot to breathe til the very end of it.  I was also surprised by how quickly I forgot the pain, and how it was a nice relief feeling when it was over.  It felt like I suddenly was about to have very bad diarrhea, and I was sitting on the toilet, so maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was a preview.  I'm glad to have it.  I really thought the baby was coming today- had cramps all night, but it's evening now, so even if things start up, it probably won't be today.  My cramps are not what I expected.  They are continuous, not rolling, and are in different places.  I have a hard time identifying where they are- mostly they are low.  When I look it up online the women seem able to describe very succinctly that the cramp is at the back of the uterus, or radiates from back to front, and mine are either not strong enough to do that yet, or just not that specific.  Regardless, they aren't even a nuisance, although I see why women hesitate to put on the TENS machine- you can't help but be curious about what's coming next.  I haven't even taken a paracetamol, which I should, because I'm so curious.  Anyways, took it real easy today, smelled my blend of clary sage, rose, and lavender, bought some baby books that will come next week when I have a baby, and plan to go to sleep early.  Here's hoping I have this baby tonight!  I really thought I might...

30 days til due date!

So, one thing I have learned is to try not to get too smug with pregnancy stuff because you are just asking the universe to curse you with the thing you are so smug about not having.  Mine right now is peeing.  I call it fake pee vs real pee.  It's funny because the urgency level is the same, but I just can't tell the difference.  So sometimes I race through hell and high water to find a bathroom and there is almost nothing there, and other times I put it off (imagining it's the fake pee) and then am so grateful I didn't accidentally wet my pants because I had no idea how full my bladder was.  I was smug in early pregnancy because I didn't have to pee so much, so I'm getting my comeupance now.  It's no big whoop though, just mostly funny.  Again, of course, things are easier for me because I don't work outside the home and I'm usually in comfortable surroundings where I know where a bathroom is.  I can take risks, so it's mostly funny, and sometimes annoying.  I'm pretty sure baby is just lying on my bladder.  It gets worse when he wakes up around 7 pm.  I also have to pee around 5 am, which I think might be a waking time for him, and around 11pm.  The other thing that I mentioned has continued to be true.  I'm pretty sure I didn't feel so well last week, but I can't remember my symptoms.  That's how quickly and completely they disappear if I just wait it out.  I'm still getting nauseaus, but I think my digestive system is getting a little squished because I'm getting acid reflux as well.  I think I was more tired last week.  I can always tell when there has been a growth spurt because I get very tired and then my stomach feels like it is stretching and then I feel huge and like I can't carry this belly around, and then suddenly, everything sorts itself out, I adjust to the new size, and we move on.  Last week felt a bit tougher than other times, but it still followed the pattern.  This is a pattern I hope to be mindful of while in labor.

I just finished Birthing From Within and loved it.  My doula lent it to me, but I think I might buy my own copy when I can.  The exercises were a little hokey- but I realized I hadn't completely visualized my idea of a birth, which I couldn't do before and now feel more comfortable doing.  I also hadn't figured out what my fears were.  I was surprised in the book and in our NCT class how many women are afraid of losing control.  I'm not that worried about that.  I'm a little worried about being inhibited, and I'm not somebody who likes to get naked in front of people, but I'm not that concerned about it either.  I realized that a large part of my fear has to do with...wait, I forgot again.  I'll get back to that.  I was worried about my baby not getting enough oxygen because my mother died that way, but my doula made me feel much better about that.  I am a little worried about being too much of a people pleaser when it comes to delivery, and bending to the needs of others.  Even when we were practicing our breathing at NCT class, and my husband was supposed to be following my breath, I found myself following his.  This isn't something that I want to do.  But I'm not scared of losing control, and I am very confident about being able to handle the acute part of delivery.  I do best in acutely stressful situations, I'm not scared of it.  I'm more scared that I'll want meds at the less stressful point of labor, a point where I might be more cerebral and therefore more scared.  I'm working through this and I think I can handle it if I just keep my thinking brain reminded that I know this about myself and can just let go.

I've started having what feels a little like contractions and cramps.  Some are like very low key period cramps, kind of warm.  Others are a pain in my lower belly that almost feels like gas.  In fact, sometimes passing a little gas helps relieve it.  As does sitting, standing still, or talking to the baby.  I hope he is working at dilating my cervix a little with these contractions.  I'm trying to help him by sitting upright as often as I can remember and by keeping myself chill.  I really hope we can work together on this, I already feel like he is my little buddy.

I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  I had decided this was my last cerebral birth book before the birth, that all others were going to be less technical and more hypno therapy/relaxation types, but my husband wants me to read the Water Birth book he is reading because the author is the kind we like, somebody who supports all kinds of deliveries, not just home births, and doesn't spend a ton of words talking negatively about hospitals.  I feel very negative about hospitals and I worry that if I dwell too much on it I'll end up smack dab in the middle of one.  The last time they rushed me unnecessarily to the hospital was a few weeks ago, and I was shaking I was so upset.  I realized that I needed to get okay with the hospital, that I was adopting the anger at the birth system in a way that had made it too personal for this stage in my pregnancy.  If I have to go to the hospital then that will be the best place for me.  I don't want the "good guys" using my body as a political battle field any more than I want over zealous medical model types.  Anyways, I might read the book, I might not.  I'm beginning to feel a little encumbered by some of my husband's well meaning advice.  He is not like the couple I met a few weeks ago where the guy kept telling her what to eat and suggesting she "go find a cool spot to show him" as a way to get her to exercise.  My husband is suggesting things I would normally like- like reading books by authors that appeal to us- or that I need to practice meditation, that the skill won't just magically appear.  But I'm finding myself acutely sensitive this past week.  I want him to believe in me without the advice.  I'm pretty sure I can focus in the moment and I'm not worried about it.  Plus, I agree and believe I should practice as well.  I guess his advice feels like he thinks I am weak- which I'm not, although I worry he has mistaken my willingness to be vulnerable with him as weakness.  I need to better think through what I'm trying to say.  I need to feel like he believes in me and even though I told him this, and he verbally expresses it, I'm having a hard time believing it.  Maybe I'm just projecting, maybe I'm not.  I totally trust him though that when it comes down to it we will sync up just fine and he will believe in me.  I guess I want to reassure him so that he can reassure me.  Hmmm, long two days, I'll have to try to put this into better words later....

34 (35?) weeks

Well, I've been away for two months because, guess what?, I've been feeling great!  It finally kicked in, the feeling healthy and magical and pregnant feeling I was promised.  Once I recovered from the gall bladder debacle I finally have had the chance to feel great.  Sure, I'm still tired, and getting more tired as the due date approaches.  And I'm still not my peppy, hyper, familiar self.  But I've gotten used to it.  I think I've come to terms with it.  And I've taken the opportunity to go deeper within myself, taking the time to bond with this more mellow version of myself.  I'm really happy about it, and I'm reading some great books, and I'm feeling really good.  We are now six weeks from due date and the baby is actively hiccupping and kicking and moving all over the place.  I have been a little obsessed with the positioning of the baby, he keeps flipping over when I want him to settle into the upside down position, but everybody tells me that his position doesn't matter yet.  I have also started taking our childbirth classes, and it turns out I'm not the only one worried about position, so that makes me feel better too.  This week I've begun to get some of the hormonal weepies back again, but I kind of like them.  I mean, I'm truly happy when somebody does well on Britian's Got Talent, why not shed a tear or two?  I've also been connecting with other pregnant women, which has been great.  I've always been a party person, with party friends, and the reality is that I'm a little shy in non party atmospheres, so this has been a new thing for me- connecting with people while sober.  It has been really nice, although I do tend to get a bit bored.  Still working on this.  We moved houses on May 1st, which involved a nightmarish battle with the landlord and a day of me, at 7 months pregnant, on my hands and knees painting floor boards, but it is finally over, we are finally out of that horrible house, and are soooo in love with the new house!  It's the first time in a long time that I've taken pride in my home, although I'm sure nesting has played it's part.  We are starting a garden, my husband is building a man cave for his drums and hopefully carpentry stuff, and we have decided to try for a home birth.  This is something my husband really wanted, but I just couldn't picture in our last house.  I can totally picture it here, so even if the actual birth doesn't take place here, I am happy to be spending my labor here, and hopefully we will be able to have the baby here as well!  We are ordering a birth pool and I'm gathering all the stuff we need, and we are on a roll.  The countdown has begun, although I'm trying to remind myself that it could still be another 8 weeks until I meet this little monkey.  My internet has been shoddy as hell, but I'll try to blog more again, now that I'm feeling better and confident.  I also feel like I have some milestones to report, but I can't remember right now.  I can't actually remember anything right now, including words when I'm trying to complete a sentence, which is funny.  Oh, one other thing, I look great!  I keep expecting my belly to go into overdrive, which it inevitably will, but I've managed to maintain a healthy weight and everybody tells me how good I look.  I don't feel super heavy, although I can tell for about a day when my belly has had a growth spurt.  I am slow moving, but usually feel up to getting up and walking around.  My hips really hurt for about 2 weeks, ending last week.  I think it is partially the relaxin, and also partially not moving enough while I sleep.  I felt too lazy to lug this belly into a new position at night, but it seems like it is important.  Now I try to switch positions frequently, and the peeing in the night helps with this.  It's amazing how the body is able to come up with some of its own solutions.  I can't figure out how to solve another problem though- a constantly threatening Charley Horse in my left leg.  I got two Charley Horses last week, in the same spot, always while lying down in bed.  Now I have this feeling that it is always there, and if I point my toe or stretch out my leg it starts to show itself.  I'm getting a little stiff and want to stretch, so I'm trying to figure this one out.  Of course, if it is anything like any of my other pregnancy complaints, it'll just resolve itself in about a week, so we'll see what happens.  Finally, I officially have a mask of pregnancy.  I wear two kinds of sunscreen, plus makeup, on days I go out, and yet it is still there.  I was hoping I was the only one who could see it, but my husband noticed it last night, so now it is official.  It isn't that bad, just some blotchiness on my forehead, some freckle looking splotches over my nose and cheek, and what looks like some lip liner on the edges of my lips, but it annoys me nonetheless.  I think I just have to live with it though, and continue with the sunscreen and hope for the best.  I kind of like how it looks except for the forehead, so I'm not that worried.  I just hopes it goes away after the baby comes so I'm not stuck with some sort of dirty looking face permanently.  I got a real stretch mark on Tuesday.  I've had a few light marks around where my belly button is, but this one is a real stretch mark. I'm furiously lathering it up with bio oil, but I'm pretty sure those remedies are not so effective.  Again, I'm not super concerned about it, I just don't want it to get worse.  Of course I'd love to be somebody who is happy to show off her belly, but I haven't been that person in years, so it's not like a few stretch marks are dramatically interfering with my life.  Okay, I think that is it for now.  More soon.  :)

25 weeks

i just read this on http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2007/08/10/antepartum-depression-not-every-pregnant-woman-glows.aspx
"Being pregnant is like have a great sports car you've driven and taken care of all your life and having to let some stranger drive it for nine months while you sit in the back seat of your own car feeling cramped and nauseous and not being able to see out or even see the person driving. "

It made me cry and laugh at the exact same moment- a bit of a strange feeling.  I don't know if I'm suffering from actual depression in pregnancy, but I have all these fears and worries and I just really don't feel like myself and I get so scared that I'm never going to feel healthy again.  I am sicky again today and I just don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel like doing anything and my  house is a mess and my husband has to do everything.  He is so cheerful and helpful and amazing and I admire him so much and I just am so mad at myself, like I don't measure up.  It scares me that he might get sick of me and leave me, and I'm scared I'm going to still be lazy after the baby is born.  My breasts leaked again yesterday and everything suddenly became very real.  I sat right down and found us a new, more baby friendly, house.  We can put the deposit down today if we want to.  But even though I got exactly what I want, I still feel totally freaked out by making sudden changes.  It's like I move slow, slow, FAST, and I just can't wrap my head around it.  I can't figure out for the life of me what to do about leaky boobs.  I don't even know where to buy breast pads.  It's like it represents so much I don't know how to handle, and don't feel like asking because I just don't want to be even more vulnerable to the people around me.  A friend told me she had a lot going on in her life, but she would wait to tell me until after the baby was born.  Why?  I want to hear now, except I feel so nauseous and don't know how to respond with energy to her stories.  It suddenly occurred to me that she has no idea how to deal with me pregnant, and I have no idea how to deal with me pregnant.  I have been so emotional and self centered and its like I'm losing people who are important to me.  I've always been a party person, and my best friends are these fiercely independent women who aren't married or pregnant and I feel so, I don't know, different from myself.  At the exact same time, when I'm feeling moderately healthy, I feel even more myself.  Like I'm back in touch with some of my instincts and I remember some of the music I used to love- rocked out to Girls on Top the other day and felt like myself for the first time in ages.  But nothing used to scare me.  I had to search for my mom's dead body a couple times, which is a very scary experience, but I always did it, I never called for help.  Now I'm scared to death that the grocery store near our new house is just too far away in the winter because it is a 20 minute walk.  I'm scared I'm about to get stuck in some sick suburbia, even though we are simply moving to another English village, which should feel adventurous and kind of cool.  I want to burn creative energy, but I don't want to spend a single dime because I want the baby to have everything and money is very tight.  My husband said that he just doesn't want to pay his student loans because we can't afford it and was talking in a very strange way about it, and I felt so helpless and desperate because what if it affects our life in the future.  He was mostly kidding, but I can't get it out my head.  Since when do I think about fiscal responsibility?  Since my parents marriage broke up because my dad is always bankrupt and didn't tell my mom that the house was foreclosed on until she came home and found a huge sign across the door.  It's funny, I don't want to own property or live in suburbia or give up my free spiritness because of a child, yet I am so scared to close any doors.  It's like I can't commit to anything because I can't predict anything.  It just feels like a blank hole.  And don't even get me started about school!  I should be doing work, we can't afford tuition next semester so I should be applying for funding, but I can't seem to get my brain working.  I just feel so irresponsible.  My advisor thinks I should try a medical leave of absence next semester, but that doesn't solve the funding problem in the spring.  And I'm so scared to give up on my PhD because it seems like it is the only thing standing between a healthy life, and turning into a depressed stay at home mom like my mother.  I just feel so lost.  I tried to explain it to another friend last night but it just came across like I was whining about my life and the fact that our families want us to come home again for another whirlwind Christmas trip to multiple states next year and I just don't feel like I can handle it, even if they contribute the funds.  I just feel so weak and like I can't handle anything.  And I feel like nobody understands.

24 weeks, 6 days

So, big surprise, I've been tired and a little sicky the past two days.  No real pain, just kind of under the weather.  We were out of groceries and I had very few low fat options in the house and I think I've been a bit hungry too.  Actually, when the groceries came today I scarfed down an entire pack of tortellini and an orange and could have kept going- which is hard to imagine because a stomach couldn't possibly be bigger than a pack of tortellini, so I guess "the hunger" has kind of set it.  This is probably good because I don't have much of an appetite, don't feel like eating, and being hungry kind of forces me to.  Also, I still haven't gained any weight- although the internet assures me that I'd better brace myself, it's about to start.  Anyways, I've been taking it easy and lying around and I woke up after a(nother) nap, came downstairs, and found a wet spot on my shirt over my right breast! Breast leakage! Whoa.  It has left a mark, and I feel strangely embarrassed by it.  I don't know why it makes me feel so embarrassed, but I keep covering it up and covering my face if my husband asks if I "got milk".  It's like a deep seated, irrational embarrassment, which is kind of funny, cuz I'm also kind of proud of it.  Hmmm, a boob that can make milk- wow- what a trip. Moooo!
So, another change is the groin kicking has stopped as suddenly as it started.  He seems to have moved up and can't reach my vag anymore.  He is still trying, he gets going and kicks and hits on all parts of my belly, but he just can't seem to reach down low. Ha!  I am forming a very light linea nigra- have been thinking I can see it for a few weeks now.  I also have a very small stretch mark on my left belly, and some strange marks around my belly.  I asked my sister about her experience with stretch marks and she said that it was one of the things that made her really resent my mother being dead- that it is hereditary and we don't have our mom around to ask.  She said she got stretch marks mostly on her thighs, and they have gone away quickly.  I don't remember my mom having very many stretch marks.  My sister thinks that the marks around my belly button could possibly be bruising and that they might go away sooner rather than later.
Baby and I have both been kind of tired the past two days- he seems less active and I'm a hell of a lot less active, which almost always seems to correspond with a growth spurt in my belly, but one funny thing happened.  My husband was playing his drums, which often wakes the baby up and gets him moving.  I usually think it is super fun.  But this time, the baby was rocking out, top and bottom of belly, when my husband sped up his beat.  I wondered if the baby would speed up to.  But no, he totally stopped.  He was over it- that beat was just too fast. :)

24 weeks

Well, I've been a little MIA because I just haven't been feeling good and didn't feel like complaining in a blog.  But, the good news is, I'm now improving fairly rapidly, just not immediately, like I wanted.  I can now walk almost as fast as most people, and my pain is very reduced.  I needed pain killers last Thursday during the day, which made me cry because I could feel the baby jumping around so much and I just hated to sedate him.  But the doctors have reassured me that my very infrequent use of codeine is perfectly fine for the baby, so I am choosing to believe them.  I went to the hospital last Thursday and it was yet another very unsatisfying NHS experience, where the doctor didn't bother to read my file before talking to me, and simply asked what was wrong with me, and then told me I was fine.  Not very reassuring.  They always think I'm there to talk about my fibroid as well, which is odd because any body who actually has a look at it doesn't seem the least bit bothered, and I would rather not focus on a non existent negative.  Then, totally randomly, I blacked out in the examination room.  Suddenly it was decided that I am anemic and that I'd better get this under control before it gets even worse.  Again, they didn't draw any more blood, they simply read what they had skipped reading in my chart from before.  They agreed to let me wait on taking iron pills until I'm done with the pain pills, and have tried some dietary changes.  I don't think I blacked out cuz of anemia, although my iron levels are ever so slightly low.  I think I was very nervous, was very scared of bad news, and while no news is good news, I just wanted to hear more than nothing, so I'm not exactly happy about it all.  Luckily I have another appointment Monday at the good hospital and although I think I will get a lecture about using both hospitals, contrary to how the NHS like to operate, I think they will be much more thorough and possibly reassure me better.  What I really want to hear is that I am low risk and still clear for a home birth.  While I'm not sure I want a home birth, and won't know until I see the place we move into, I just want the option.  I also want the pain to go away, so I can deal with one kind of pain at a time.  The doctor said that I might just have pain for my whole pregnancy, but I don't believe her.  I am feeling pretty good when I don't wear myself out, don't sit in the same position for too long, and don't eat fatty foods, so in a few more months I think I should be much better.  I guess I would like both a doctor and a psychic.
We went to London on Wednesday, and stayed through Thursday night.  I needed the codeine each day, both times after the long train ride and questionable food.  I can't believe how hard it is to find a low fat meal at a restaurant.  I always thought it was easy, but there are lots of hidden fats and cooking methods that add fat.  I am shocked by the choices I would have made if I wasn't forced to watch my diet.  I always think of myself as a healthy eater, and a look at my food diary proves that I am, but I make a lot of exceptions and special treats when I'm out, which has got to add up, so this has been quite an education!  But London was great, and even though I couldn't walk around as much as I wanted, and had to go straight to bed after arriving on Wednesday afternoon, we did a lot of stuff.  We ate at an amazing Polish restaurant, I didn't know that I'd never had Polish food before!  It was so fun and the chef was so sweet and came and checked on us and even though the place was empty and cold with construction guys walking around, we had a ton of fun.  On Thursday we saw Billy Elliot in a very cheap mantinee show, and had dinner at one of those fair trade super liberal and proud of themselves restaurants.  It was good, although the smell of smug in the air was a bit stifling.  We went to London because my husband had a very important funding interview, but I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much.  Will talk about it more when he gets it. ;)
As far as the baby, he seems to be doing great.  My stomach has again made a jump in size and I'm pretty sure people can tell I'm pregnant now.  Either way, there isn't really a way to hide it.  I sat next to a 9 month pregnant woman at the fresh food restaurant and even though she was a much thinner person than me, I couldn't believe how big she was, and what I'm in for.  Yikes!  The baby hasn't done much except for a newly developed habit of kicking me in the groin.  It is pretty uncomfortable, feels like he is kicking me in the vagina and butt!  I looked it up on the internet and it turns out that it is pretty common for the 24th-ish week, so I guess I'd better suck it up- people in the chatrooms made kicks in the ribs sound so much more uncomfortable, so I'll appreciate what I'm getting. :)  (Ooh, now a super pregnant woman has sat down in the cafe next to me- I never noticed how many people are pregnant before!)  There were a few moments in London where I felt kind of uncool about being pregnant.  Like, there were all these glam independent London girls and here I was wearing pregnancy jeans and holding on to the tube railings for dear life.  But everytime I thought I was the only pregnant woman alive, another one would walk by and I would feel really proud to be a part of this special club.

22 weeks- exciting things

Well, this baby is a mover!  He jumps all over the place and got really good at kicking the doppler while I was in the hospital.  One of the midwives told me that I'd better get ready for an active baby, but the movements just mostly make me laugh.  He gets the most excited after I eat something, but he also likes it when I lie down for bed or when my husband and I are talking.  Oh, and my husband felt him move!  I was in the hospital and the baby was partaking in another marathon session, and my husband was able to feel it!  It was very exciting.  I can also see my stomach moving when he kicks, which is pretty funny.  I'm hoping to be able to catch it on video soon.
The other thing that I found out is that I haven't gained any weight.  Not even a pound!  Of course I have mixed feelings about this.  My husband thinks the weight is simply redistributing, but I think I may have lost weight during this pregnancy because I have been sick most of the time, and also during my hospital stay.  I suspect that the weight gain is about to start up, so I'll only be smug for a few seconds, but it did make me feel better that I'm not totally pigging out and gaining to much weight, cuz I was worried about that.  Oh, and don't tell my boobs or belly that I'm not gaining weight- they don't know it and keep growing and growing.  I swear, I've got porn star boobs.  Oh, and porn star nails too.
I died my multicolored blondish hair all one color the other day, and while I definitely look better as a blonde, I'm so happy I did it and got it over with.  And I actually kind of like how it looks.  I will prefer my natural color when that comes back, but that won't be for a long time because my hair is so long.  I just like not being a slave to my hair, which is how I was beginning to feel.  Blonde is a strange, and strangely large part, of my identity, so it has been a refreshing experience to shed the light blonde, even if I'm still a dark blonde.  Whoat, can I say blonde any more times?  Brace yourself, I'm not above talking about lip gloss either.
Oh, and finally, my nipples swell.  What's up with that?  They've been doing it since about 11 weeks, so it isn't new, but it is weird.  It usually happens at night, and mostly to the right nipple, and it is totally weird.  I hope it isn't going to mess with breastfeeding.  I asked my sister about it when I was home and she said that her nipples got swollen kind of suddenly at the end of her pregnancy.  This is more like a daily thing for me.  It's like my nipples are allergic to something, which is kind of funny.  "No, I can't eat that, my nipples are allergic."

Gall Stones!

Well, I am in the hospital and have been since Thursday night (it is now Sunday), and the reason is... Gall Stones!  Nasty little things.  I've been in a lot of pain, but I think the worst might be over.  We went for our very exciting 20 week scan on Thursday morning, went out to dinner to celebrate our little munchkin, and was back in the hospital at about 9 pm with the most excruciating pain I've ever been in.  It was crazy.  Luckily I've blocked a bit of it out, but my poor husband remembers every excruciating second.  When the pain started, which was quite sudden and became bad pretty quickly, we called the MAC unit to see what to do.  The lady on the phone predicted gall stones because my pain was in my middle, upper back and nowhere near the baby.  She told us to skip the A&E and go straight to the delivery suite because that is where they would send us anyways.  In hindsight that may not have been the best place to go, but at the time we didn't know what the problem was yet, so they would probably have not dealt with me in the A&E anyways.  Nothing seems to scare medical staff like a pregnant woman, so the maternity unit ends up dealing with a lot of different conditions that may not be related to pregnancy.  Anyways, the first few hours sucked.  It was hard to get the ball rolling, hard to get attention, and very frustrating dealing with what seemed like a slightly incompetant staff.  They didn't pass information on to each other, and I had to explain about 6 times that the medication they gave me first had made me throw up blood.  It was right there in my notebook, but they weren't bothering to read it!  My husband nearly lost it, but then the morphine they gave me started to work and I was in less pain and it didn't matter as much if I couldn't get the attention of anybody.  Spending the night in a delivery suite was pretty amazing.  I heard women giving birth all night, and it really didn't sound like it does in the movies.  I was making way more noise with my screams of pain, which wouldn't let up for several hours, than the laboring women were.  I mostly heard 1-2 screams, and then a baby cry, and then somebody say something along the lines of "my baby!"  It was really amazing.  My husband and I both teared up a few times because we were so touched.
Eventually, and I can't remember why, they moved me to the labor ward, which was a lot less action packed. I liked the new midwife and I wasn't having as much trouble talking people into medication for pain. In fact, they wanted to give it to me at a faster rate than I was asking


continued a week later....
The night nurse in the labor ward was great, she was funny and kind and interested in what was going on.  The Friday day nurse was very nice as well, and was able to answer my questions and put me at ease.  I have learned that nurses, or in this case, midwives, can make a huge difference in your experience of illness.  My mood and fear level for my entire hospital stay was directly linked to the midwife team on call.  I didn't need a ton of attention, but  if they were kind and calm, I felt like everything was going to be fine and that being in a hospital was just a precaution.  If they were either hyper or distant or unresponsive, I felt very nervous, like something odd and out of a TV medical drama was about to happen to me or the baby, and this seemed to make both my pain and my emotional capacity far worse.  
Anyways, I was sent to another ultrasound that afternoon to look for gallstones.  How is that for ironic?  Here I was whining that I wish I had more ultrasounds and I got two in a row.  Of course, this one was more serious, nobody was getting trained, and it was interesting to see how a fully trained professional handles an ultrasound- she was a lot more confident and told me more about what was going on.  I really enjoyed it, and got to see the baby again!  They found that sure enough, I did have gallstones, and that also I had an inflamed gall bladder which meant I had a gall bladder infection.  The doctors had already suspected this and I shrugged it off.  I didn't know that it would keep me in the hospital for several more days, or that it is considered a particularly nasty infection.  I'm so glad I didn't understand this because I would have been a lot more scared than I was. The infection is called Acute Cholecystitis and while I may have had gall stones for a long time, this attack was most likely brought on by my pregnancy and not something else about me.  I was just happy because my pain was finally responding to the pain killers and while I didn't like how high the morphine made me, I can't believe how necessary it was!
Anyways, at about 6ish I was visited by the first of many surgeons.  He asked me about my medical history and what medications I'm on.  It was interesting for me to see how I again underplay certain elements of my health. I told him I have no health problems, and then told him about the two inhalers I use for my asthma.  He was like, ok, start over, you have asthma, are there any other health things going on with you?  It's not like I'm not a drama queen, but I always underplay the things that are actually going on, like a family history of mental illness- which I never know when to bring up and skipped on this trip, or my lung/asthma issues, which seem so small compared to the asthma issues many people go through.  Asthma probably is never going to kill me, and I forget that it's an issue at all.  Anyways, I can't totally remember the details of the meeting, but he basically said what was said for the rest of my hospital experience- that they don't like operating on pregnant women because of the potential dangers of anaesthesia to the fetus, but that that risk is overridden if the operation becomes life saving.  Okey dokey.  Oh, and that they would watch the infection and hopefully take out my gall bladder after I deliver the baby.
The third day, Saturday, the nurses really couldn't be bothered with me.  I couldn't decide if this was a good sign, that I wasn't an acute case, or if they really were being negligent.  Even when I was throwing up my latest meal, which happened daily for a little while, they just came in, removed the throw up bucket, and went back to laughing and talking to each other.  It was kind of strange.  And I had to beg for pain killers, which was pretty humiliating.  I was frustrated because the codeine seemed to be making me throw up, and didn't seem to be working anyways, but they were holding out on the morphine because it is a more controlled drug and they needed two nurses to get it.  I understand that, but the tactic of just stalling did not help me make informed choices, it just made me kind of paranoid.  Later in the day an entire surgical team visited me.  Suddenly the nurses were very attentive, and I became a priority, slightly suspicious if you ask me.  Of course, I was punished for this because as soon as the surgeons heard I was having trouble keeping food and medication down I had an AWFUL permanent needle put in my wrist for fluids.  I had just talked them into taking the other one out, so I was pretty grossed out.  It hurt and was gross, but that's it.  I just got the heebie jeebies from it.  So, this team decided to move me to another hospital, where the gall bladder surgery unit is actually housed, and I was moved a few hours later by a very bouncy ambulance ride, and a very friendly ambulance driver.  I was in enough pain that I couldn't really talk, but she was so cute and they played hip hop music and it all seemed so inappropriate, yet so comforting, that I really liked the trip.
I was put in the maternity ward of the second hospital and met by a vastly superior set of midwives.  Throughout the rest of my stay, this team totally outperformed the other team in all ways.  They were fun, and interesting, and liked to talk about stuff and I learned about their lives and what it's like to be a midwife and they were great.  In fact, I would switch to this hospital to deliver my baby if they had a water birth option, but they don't, so I'm still in limbo land about where and how to give birth.
The days here kind of run into each other.  For almost the entire stay there was talk of me being moved up to the surgical ward because I was actually a surgical patient.  But even when they settled in on deciding what to do, there were still no beds in surgery, and I didn't want to leave anyways.  I called it the princess ward.  It was so nice, there were only pregnant people, not sick people, and I could talk on my phone or play on my computer or walk around (not that I could get very far) or do whatever I wanted.  I had my own room and while the tv was placed in an impossible to view spot, the room had a sink and a drawer and a quintessential English landscape view, and it was great.  I was able to inform my relatives about where I was, and was surprised by the instant response I got from them- they have a tendency to be very distant.  Even the nun aunt who boycotted my wedding because it wasn't in a church, was responsive, which was very nice because while she will never be a mother figure, she is my mom's sister and I really appreciated her support.  In fact, the only one who wasn't very responsive was my best friend.  More on that another time.
The other nice thing that started to happen was I started to be able to hold down my food (a few days later) and I started to respond to the codeine, so I could quit the humiliating morphine.  I was started on a nasty dose of antibiotics, that made me pretty sick, but it definitely felt worth it, I can handle pain if I know everything is okay.  It's when pain and fear intertwine that things get hard for me.
So, that's basically it.  Once I was able to keep down food for a few days I was allowed to start taking the antibiotics by mouth.  I was pretty immobilized for many of the days, and a short walk was pretty painful and took a lot out of me, but I improved daily, and the last day I was able to pick out some food in the cafeteria and eat it with my husband.  I also, after a few days, started to realize that the ward was not as comfortable as I originally thought, with women screaming and vomiting in pain, but this indicated to me that I was doing better because I hadn't even noticed that stuff before.  The best moment, even better than my discharge, was getting that damn wired contraption out of my hand.  It was so gross and I still have a cut on my hand to show for it, although the bruise is mostly gone.  I'll post a picture if I can find one.  It really creeped me out.

MY AWESOME HUSBAND
So, I am now convinced that one of the reasons why I was able to go home when I did was because of my amazing husband.  He slept in a horrible chair the first two nights I was in the hospital (!) and then for the next days he came early in the morning and stayed with me until late at night.  He was amazing at helping me understand what was going on, and at helping me emotionally stay strong.  I always knew he was amazing, but he set a new standard in amazingness, I'm not sure I would do as well as he did, I just appreciate it so much.  After I was discharged I thought things were going to be better/easier, but they actually got a bit worse for a little while.  I had the harsh realization of how sick I was when I absolutely couldn't understand my medical routine and my husband had to be my full time drug dealer.  I was taking 7 pills several times a day and I wouldn't have been able to do it without him.  Well, I don't think that they would have let me go if it wasn't for him.  I truly didn't understand how sick I was.  With the realization of how sick I was, I became very upset and scared.  The one year anniversary of my very close friend's sudden death fell on the Saturday I was in the hospital, and once the realization of how sick I was hit me, the fear and weight of my own mortality smashed into me like a ton of bricks.  I was really spooked, and also really sad all over again about my friend.  She died of a nasty infection that went septic.  That could have happened to me.  It happened in less than a week for her and I miss her so much.  Why did she have to die while I got to improve and go home?  There is no answer, but my husband was amazing at helping me deal with all of this through a pain filled codeine induced haze.  I have never said anything like this, and will probably never say anything like it again, but he is my angel and I credit him with so much- is it cheesy that I believe he saved my life?

THE INCREDIBLE SELF OBSESSION OF ILLNESS
So, I'll probably have more to say once this is all over and I'm not in pain or tired anymore, but I have to say that my illness made me crazy self absorbed.  Facebook was great cuz I could publish updates and get responses from friends and feel a lot of support.  Without that I think I would have called my sister nightly just to get attention.  And I was not short on attention, I just wanted more.  I couldn't ask how other people were doing, I could only update them on myself.  I couldn't even think about anybody outside of myself, except maybe the baby... maybe.  It was a little crazy.  Kind of like having a birthday for a whole week, and judging people's response to it and equating it to how much they cared about me.  The reality is that everybody (except for one person) came through, and while I would have been crucified if I didn't send something to my mother in law when she was hospitalized, yet nothing was sent to me, I got way better.  I really saw my family in action and it was nice.  Of course, my dad went to Asia for a month the day before I was discharged, and I'm a little upset by how he seems to have disappeared into another continent and forgotten about me (indicates the self obsession isn't over because he has emailed twice and called on skype numerous times, but I haven't been on at the time), but that is as much my fault as his- I spent a lot of time telling people I was just fine, when it turned out I wasn't as great as I thought I was.  I hope this self obsession has calmed down a bit, and I now can understand a bit more about what I would do if somebody I loved was in the hospital, so this has been an amazing learning experience for me.

AFTERMATH
I have to be on a low fat diet.  That's it.  Not too bad, not that big of a deal.  In the past month I had been eating more cheese and big ole cadbury chocolate bars, so that stuff had to go, but for the most part, I already ate a low fat diet and this has not been that much of a challenge.  Of course, I was a bit confused about what a low fat diet actually is, but my husband set up an appointment with a colleague of his that is a dietician, and she said we were doing fine.  I think my sister mourned my low fat diet more than I have, she was really upset about my not getting to eat junk food for the rest of my pregnancy because that is what she loved most, but I'm kind of relieved because I was slipping down a junk food slope, and I already struggle with my weight a lot, so being forced to cut back is a good thing.  Trust me, there is no motivation like crazy, shrieking, writhing, scaring everybody around you, pain.

Still Sick While Pregnant

So, I have been pretty sick this week, with yesterday being so bad that I almost called an ambulance because I was having so much trouble breathing.  I went to the doctor two days ago, and they upped my inhalor and nasal spray prescriptions/recommendations and I was told to come back if it got worse.  I probably should have gone back yesterday, but I was so sick I didn't know what to do and my husband was at work and I wasn't exactly rational and when he got home, the worst had passed and we decided that we would go to the doctor today if things stayed the same.  Well, things were better today, which was such a relief.  I woke up feeling better and I was so excited that I jumped out of bed ready to do all the things I have put aside while sick, but unfortunately I was still pretty sick today and ended up back in bed again, tail between my legs and wiped out.  Still, it's improvement and I expect tomorrow to be better.  I have been pretty bored and had a lot of time to think. 

One thought was that I have feared getting this sick from the beginning of my pregnancy.  I catch bronchitis frequently, and have had pneumonia three times, and last winter was a tough one for me because, being in a new country with these bronchial weaknesses, I caught every damn cold that went around.  At one point last year, especially in hindsight, I had a real scare.  I was having so much trouble breathing that I had to sit in a particular position just to gasp for air.  It was awful and I feared having it happen in pregnancy.  Well, now it has, and really, it wasn't that bad.  Yes, I was sick, and yes, I was scared, but if this was my biggest fear, then I'm okay.  It's kind of a nice realization.

The second thing I've been thinking about are expectations in pregnancy.  My friend, once she heard how sick I was, asked, "So, you are having a tough pregnancy, huh?"  I had to really think about the answer.  My instinct, like every woman in my family, was to say, no, no, it's not that bad.  The women in my family always pretend like everything is great and that they are a picture of health.  Even during my mother's decline into mental illness the women were all saying she was suffering from a "little dehydration", and that her paranoia and hallucinations would go away if she could just get a little more water down.  My mom guzzled water like a, well, mad woman, and some of her female relatives still believe she was a "little dehydrated".  The level of bullshit boils my blood, just think of the help she could have gotten if somebody had faced the facts in the beginning... But I digress.  I also didn't want to answer my friend in a whiny complaining voice that this pregnancy has been hard, because in reality it hasn't been, it has just been harder than I expected.  And that's kind of the point.  I really believed that pregnancy was going to be all mother nature and fairy tales.  I thought I was going to be the epitome of grace and strength, and never thought about why I might need to be strong.  I never expected to be so needy with my husband, or that aches and pains were going to bother me so much.  I though I was going to easily wrap up my pre-child life and prepare for my life as a mother.  I never thought I'd spend so much time on the couch, or so much time moping and crying.  I told my friend that I guess it HAS been a hard pregnancy for me, but not because I've had a hard pregnancy.  It's been hard for me because of my perspective, I had no idea it was going to be challenging and I have had a bruised ego every step of the way.  She groaned and said that she dreads pregnancy because of how hard it seems, which made me feel better.  Maybe I need to go buy one of those complaining pregnancy books, like "Pregnancy Sucks" and just join my actual peer group, rather than continuing to aspire to be part of fairy land.  Or maybe I need to switch my perspective around and acknowledge that the next four months are going to be kind of tough, rather than super easy.  I mean, I understand why the women in my family want to make pregnancy seem easy, they don't want to complain and, especially with my mom and sister, they don't want to scare other women, but maybe it has really done me a disservice.  Maybe I need to start being a little more scared of labor and delivery.  And maybe I can stop being so scared of myself as a mother.  My mom made it pretty clear she hated being a mom half the time.  Maybe I've over interpreted one element of her life, parenthood, and under interpreted another, pregnancy.

Doula

Well, tonight the doula we have been considering hiring came over for an interview.  I just loved her, and she made a much better impression than the first time we met her.  She brought books and DVDs and is so excited about all things childbirth, which I really liked.  My first impression of her was that she was a little too pro- homebirth, and possibly one of those women who might be interested in using my uterus as a soapbox.  I am not anti-homebirth, but I really want somebody who listens to me and is amendable to my needs, so this sent up some red flags for me.  But she has totally redeemed herself.  She is pretty normal, but has just enough hippy in her for me to totally get down with.  I like that she has traveled the world and that she has a global perspective on childbirth and child rearing.  I like that she gave me an article on how funny it would be if we made a medical intervention out of a man having to poop really bad.  I like that she thought some things were gross, but also that she was open to lots of stuff.  She seemed to have good boundaries and I actually think we had a lot in common, so maybe she is a future friend as well.  I'm just really happy about our decision to hire her, and I feel like every time I talk to her she just fills me with more useful knowledge.  I really believe that knowledge is power in this whole pregnancy thing and it's nice to have a few women around to ask questions of, and it is especially nice to have a woman like her around.  I really needed a sane hippy in my life and I think I may have found one. :)

Meghann's Tips for Pregnant Girls

from http://mattandmegh.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-08-27T23%3A51%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=7

*Never, ever postpone even the slightest urge to pee. That UTI will attack your bladder in seconds flat.

*The first trimester and constant worrying go hand in hand.

*It feels better to waddle. Do it.

*Eating something right before you go to bed helps you fall asleep faster.

*Make the most revolting face conceivable when you smell something disgusting. It helps you feel like you're getting some kind of revenge.

*If you get a feeling the OB you chose isn't competent or listening to what you say, don't be afraid you're hurting his/her feelings by changing to a different one. When you have your blood drawn by a nurse who searches frantically for a cotton ball while you sit there bleeding on yourself, no, your standards are not too high.

*Don't compare yourself too much to other pregnant girls, everyone's body is different, pregnant or not.

*Fight the urge to be creative when someone asks how you're feeling. Just say how you feel, so you aren't standing there with a stumped look on your face thinking of how to answer.

*That Snoogle body pillow isn't for everyone.

*Look into getting someone to give you a nickel for every time you hear, say or think the word pregnant.

*Only those uncompromising pregnancy hormones could cause you to declare war on your husband, your best friend in the world, during such an exciting time. Take deep breaths. Hope he understands.

*If someone doesn't comment on your oh-so-obvious pregnant status, that doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it. Stand near them for more than two minutes, and they'll say what they're thinking.

*It's ok to feel a little guilty when you take a Tylenol.

*Accept that you're going to be stared at. If someone isn't gawking at the belly, they're probably stressed or something's wrong with them.

*Smile at other pregnant girls.

*A lot of people look down their noses at you if you admit you're hoping specifically for a boy or a girl. Say you just want a healthy baby. That happens to be a girl.

*Mix a childcare book or two into your pregnancy book collection.

*Write down questions before your OB appointments - even if you already know the answer - so you don't feel as **** when it's over in five minutes.

*Crunchy things make the most satisfying food choices. Specifically, pickles and ice.

*If you have a cat, let it sit on your belly and purr.

*Shopping at your favorite pre-preg clothing stores (with intent to buy XL sizes) during the third trimester will probably make you feel sad. Matt: Did you see anything? Me: Yep. Skinny girls. We belong in the maternity stores now, drink the water when they offer it to you.

*Don't pick a baby name that you wouldn't mind being named yourself.

*Try laying flat on the floor when your back hurts.

*Babies R Us sells Motherhood Maternity clothing. This saves you a trip to the mall, especially since you spend all your shopping time at Babies R Us anyway. Baby Gap also has some impressive baby gear.

*Don't feel bad swiping your hubby's second pillow to wedge behind your back when you sleep.

*It's fun to smile at baby kicks. Although I'll admit that the hiccups lose their cuteness after a couple episodes.

*Pregnancy is a privilege that not everyone is blessed with. Be really thankful and excited God gave it to you.

Sad, and guilty about being sad

So last night I was up with my cough, and I was so frustrated and felt really alone and sorry for myself and I just started to cry.  I cried harder than I've cried in a while.  I just didn't feel good, and I was sick of being pregnant, and I felt really guilty about feeling sick of being pregnant and I was just so ashamed and sorry.  I have been having this niggling feeling that I would be more of an earth mother if I could just visualize the end product, my beautiful baby.  I just keep thinking that if I could keep the image of a baby in my mind, then everything will fall into perspective, and I wouldn't feel so frustrated with the small inconveniences of pregnancy.  But that just doesn't happen.  I can't picture my baby, and I feel so guilty about it.  I sometimes wonder if I even want a baby, which is crazy because I wanted one so badly for so many years before it was the right time for me to have one.  I am also so grateful that we were able to get pregnant, and relatively quickly, and I feel like I am jinxing everything anytime I think negatively.  But there you go, sometimes I'm just scared, and not very excited, and just can't gain perspective, and it just makes me want to cry.  I'm so worried about having a bratty child, or about turning into my mother, and also I'm scared because I haven't finished all the things I want to do, and now this baby is about to become my life, and I know that is unhealthy in the long run.  I'm frustrated by how weak I am, how sick I got in Switzerland, and by the growing realization that I might not be able to visit my friend in China, something I have wanted to do for years and always have put off because it seemed like the money could be better spent elsewhere.  I am usually so impractical, such a free spirit, and I'm realizing that I'm actually very practical, and about to become more practical, and it makes me not recognize myself.  I'm not worried about being a bad mother, my mother was great when we were young, I'm just scared of being the adult that my mother was, somebody who put all her hopes and dreams in her children, and when we began to break away, she had nothing.  Last night I had a dream my sister got married too young to the wrong man and I was too busy arguing with my mother to attend her wedding.  It wasn't like she waited for me, or even put me in it, but I was so caught up in my own issues, that I missed what was going on with her.  This is really my fear.  I am so scared of not living every moment because I am so caught up with my past.  And I'm scared of repeating the mistakes of my parents, of my husband getting distant like my father was when I was a child, of me going crazy and not being heard, like my mother, and while I would never follow in my mother's footsteps of suicide, I worry about a symbolic suicide, of just giving up.  I already feel like I give up all the time.  I never know if I'm lazy or depressed.  My husband does so much more around the house than I do, and I feel like I am useless and worthless.  I want things that I don't go out to get.  I have no idea how to motivate myself.  Again, I have never doubted that once I had a baby that some of these things will change, I will be forced to move about and pull my weight, but I feel so guilty in the meantime.  My husband says that if I want to do something I just need to do it.  I wish I could follow that advice.  People see us as adventuring go getters, and it is possible that I don't give myself enough credit, but I really want to get perspective on this pregnancy, and not feel so damn miserable all the time, and I don't know how to do it.

Exciting things last week (week 18)

#1 This baby is moving!! I can feel it very clearly, no more wondering if it is gas.  It is a totally strange feeling, and sometimes even tickles me.  I even played a game with the baby where I pushed and then it pushed.  I have no idea if the baby was playing with me, but it was so wonderful and I now I can see why women feel like pregnancy is so magical, I can't believe my little one is inside me!  My husband has tried a number of times to feel the baby as well, but even though I feel like I can sometimes feel the kicks from the outside, it is so hard to tell, and my husband can't feel a thing.  I can't wait for him to feel!

#2 I debuted my bump.  I can still completely disguise my bump, but in Switzerland I didn't feel like getting dressed up after the hot springs, so I just put on my long john shirt and an open sweater, and you could see that bump.  Now, I still probably looked like somebody wearing their pants too tight and have blubber hanging out the top, but my husband and I were so excited.  It was fun feeling like I looked pregnant, even if others who didn't know couldn't quite tell.

Oh, and something funny.  I am totally blaming my baby when I pig out!  Like, if I have junk food in my hand I unconsciously rub my belly, as if telling people that I'm not a pig, I'm pregnant.  It is shameless, and totally cracked me up when I realized what I was doing!

Pregnancy Week 19

More Traveling While Pregnant

So this weekend my husband and I got a last minute, paid for, chance to jet off to Switzerland for a work conference.  It was awesome.  I will probably add more to this post later, but I just want to say that for the most part, because of my past traveling while pregnant experience, I had some ideas about what to expect.  The biggest change for us was prioritizing sleep for me.  Instead of trying to get to Geneva and the Alps in one day, which is a plane ride, then a train ride, then a bus ride, we flew in, stayed one night in Geneva, and then did the second half of our trip the next day, and then took a nice nap.  It worked like a charm, and I was able to enjoy the train and bus rides, which were just beautiful.  We also scheduled flights at sleep appropriate times, and decided against trying to fly in early morning, and returning late, which we often do to save money and take full advantage of time.  We also made our own travel plans, instead of relying on conference planners.  For the most part, we are very flexible and love to go with the flow and see what adventures we get into.  But we didn't do this for this trip- we planned our own trip and, while we stayed flexible, we only relied on ourselves.  This was a huge comfort to me.  Finally, I scheduled an afternoon nap every day.  This turned out to be vital because I was exhausted very easily. 
The thing I would have changed was that I wish I had brought more snacks so I wouldn't be on the conference planners exact meal plans, but the gift shops had treats so I never went hungry.  That said, I had to eat cookies for dinner one night when I couldn't stomach the food options, and I was pretty sick to my stomach as a result.  I had to fore go some of the spa treatments because I wasn't sure if they were okay with pregnancy, and the language barrier was enough to make me not want to risk a misunderstanding, but that was no big deal.  And the natural hot/warm springs were amazing, and so comfortable, and the trip was so romantic. 
Oh, but here are some things that I couldn't have anticipated and that made a difference.  I felt a lot less flexible on the food issue.  We spent our last day walking around Geneva, which is a cosmopolitan city that I have been to before (and I've been to jail there as well, but that is a different story).  There is nothing particularly foreign about it, but navigating it was infinitely tougher for me than I expected.  Our walk turned into a full fledged hunt for food, and the hungrier I got the more indecisive and paranoid I got about restaurant quality and dangerous ingredients- I had already accidentally ate half a vodka sorbet without realizing there was vodka in it and I didn't want to make the same mistake with cheese.  I felt overwhelmed by the language barriers, even though most people spoke English and, of course, most people we encountered were very nice.  I just didn't want to deal with it.  I started to not even want to approach people in French, even though I can make myself understood enough through rough French and hand signals, but it all started to feel very hard.  And finally, I couldn't walk as much as I wanted.  We were walking a pretty normal amount for visiting a European city, and I got tired much more quickly and got a cramp in my right side, the same cramp that has been bothering me for two weeks now.  When I got to the bathroom I noticed I had some staining, which was so slight that I'm not even sure it was blood, but I was just at the end of my rope and didn't want to move around anymore.  This, of course, was impossible, and we left to catch our plane early, but it was still hours before we were home.  All of this makes me wonder if going to China next month is a bad idea.  My friend says that people get sick and tired visiting China anyways, and I got sick visiting freakin' Geneva, how is China going to hit me?  I have a lot of thinking about it to do, and I'm frustrated that even though the trip was great, I had pretty real limitations that were hard for me to understand and express.

Being sick while pregnant sucks!

So, I never totally understood why pregnant women complained so much when they were sick.  It's not like the sickness was worse, right? And really, it's not like taking cold medication makes that much of a difference, so how much could they possibly be missing it now that it's off limits?  Well, now I understand.  Being sick while pregnant sucks!  I have a regular old cold.  Because I don't work outside of the house, I would still probably be laying around feeling sorry for myself even if I wasn't pregnant, but I feel so much sorrier for myself now.  It's making me a little depressed, and it hurts my pelvis area when I cough, which of course makes me worry about the baby.  But that is not really why being sick is worse when you are pregnant, it is all the extra needs you/baby has, then added on to a cold.  For example, my bones hurt anyways.  I don't feel good if I veg out on the couch for too long because my back gets stiff and my head starts to hurt.  So I am resigned to my bed, which still hurts, but less.  Also, usually when I have a cold I'm not very hungry.  I look for some matzo ball soup at dinner time, and I'm happy drinking water.  Now my baby is hungry and I am hungry.  I am so sick of being hungry.  I don't like eating that much, I'm not a very hungry person.  In fact it is the reason I have weight issues in the first place, I am a poor eater.  But now I am hungry and have to pull myself out of bed every few hours, walk down two flights of stairs, and eat something tasteless and borderline nauseating, in the hopes it will fill me up enough to last a few hours.  Even water tastes gross, and it all gives me a stomach ache, and I have absolutely no choice, I HAVE to do it, I am not in charge of my body.  Also, I have to pee a lot.  So I need to drink water to try to stay hydrated, and then I have to pee a ton.  The toilet is down some stairs too (we live in a classic British back to back) and by the time I get back upstairs I am so out of breath I'm panting.  I'm already short on breath now that I'm pregnant, and short on breath cuz my lungs are full of gunk, and add the stairs and I'm wide awake by the time I get back to bed and have to start winding down all over again.  Finally, being sick is scaring me.  I have a tendency to get really sick in the winter, and have had pneumonia a number of times, and used to get bronchitis every year.  I've been good this winter, taken my nose spray, sanitized my hands, but our trip to Switzerland really took me out I think (more on that in another post).  So now I'm worried about getting sicker, and not totally sure how to prevent it except to lie in this damn bed and feel sorry for myself.  Boo freakin hoo.

18 weeks- about a day ahead of myself :)

The only pattern I've noticed in movements is that I think the baby woke up when my husband came home the other night and started talking.  I think it jumped around!  So cute if this is true!  I also feel it, of all places, on the bus!  I can't tell why, the only times I have felt strong movement have been two times when I'm on the bus.  Maybe I have a little bus driver on board!

week 17 (sorry I missed a few)

17 weeks and cramps and peeing a lot

Well, this has been a bit of an uncomfortable week.  I just haven't regained the energy I was promised, I'm still sleeping badly, and now I'm peeing ALL THE TIME!  I always worried that I wasn't getting that pregnancy symptom before, but now I'm making up for lost time.  Also, I've had some pretty strong cramping.  They were strong enough that I called my midwife, but she said that I probably didn't need to worry about it, but that I could call the hospital if I thought it was necessary.  Again, I'm so glad to have this doppler.  I know the baby is alive and healthy, and the cramps mostly scare me more than they hurt me, so I'm not wasting another ultra sound- I want it at the right time this time- 20 weeks!

Is that movement?

Okay, I'm turning the corner into my 18th week and I'm still confused about whether I'm feeling movement or gas.  I have been feeling something since 15 weeks, and it got stronger last week, but it is so inconsistent that it is impossible to tell.  Up until last week it felt like there was a caterpillar in my belly, now it feels more like something bumping around.  I am beginning to get impatient, I want to feel my little munchkin!

Traveling While Pregnant

Okay, so here is what I have learned about traveling while pregnant:
I just got back from a three week trip to the US.  We went from the UK, to Los Angeles, stayed for 10 days, then went from Los Angeles to Little Rock, stayed for 10 days, then went back to Los Angeles, to finish our roundtrip back to England.  I started the trip at 11 weeks pregnant and ended it at 14 weeks pregnant.
I travel a lot, and this was probably the hardest trip of my life.  That said, I'm really glad I didn't shy away from it because it was not so bad that I shouldn't have done it.  It was just extremely tiring, and it was frustrating to be tired when I had so much I wanted to do and so many people I wanted to spend time with.
So, to start off with, I asked my midwife what I should do for traveling.  She had discouraged me from a trip to Chile when I was about 7 weeks pregnant because she thought that if a trip isn't necessary in the first trimester, and if you don't know anybody there, it is too risky.  She was mostly thinking about how awful it would be to have a miscarriage in a hospital I was unfamiliar with, or to get food poisoning and still have to travel home.  So, she wasn't saying it was a high risk undertaking, she was suggesting that maybe I sit the trip out for my own potential sanity.  I will think about that decision for years to come, but I will say that my husband was only gone for about two days when morning sickness hit with a vengeance and I am so glad I was home and not stuck in some hotel and reliant on restaurant food.  It would have been awful.
Anyways, the trip home was a different set of circumstances.  I would be going to a familiar place where I understood the health system.  We bought travel insurance and we would be around familiar faces at all times.  The midwife was still not super thrilled about the prospect, but she wasn't discouraging either.  She told me to get flight socks for the long flights, to get aisle seats, to walk around the cabin and drink lots of water, and to just take it easy and I should be fine.  Well, I WAS fine.  I do have some recommendations though.
First of all, we picked some terrible flying times.  In hindsight, we should have paid a little more money on this trip in order to get better flight times.  Our flight out of England was so early that we did not sleep that night, which was very hard on prego-sauras.  I just underestimated how that would feel because I'm a pretty hearty traveler when not pregnant.  We had to catch a taxi at 3:30 am, and went from there until we arrived in Los Angeles about 20 hours later.  I nearly had a meltdown at our 11:30 am layover in London, and my husband was amazing at keeping me strong and focused.  This was definitely a team trip and I am so glad I was not alone (an issue this fiercely independent girl is still dealing with). 
Once on the plane, I just couldn't get comfortable in the seats because my ass hurt (never an issue before), my back hurt (new issue as well), and I had to pee a lot (part pregnancy, part drinking tons of water).  There was no danger of not exercising on the plane because I was up so much out of discomfort and the need to pee.  I always feel bad for tall people on long flights, and for people with bad backs.  I don't think I suffered anywhere near what they suffer, my suffering was almost exclusively a suffering of the ego- pregnancy limitations have really frustrated me.
Anyways, we got to Los Angeles in one piece and then encountered something else that surprised me, pregnancy jetlag.  I had not read anything on it so it hit like a ton of bricks.  I always have trouble with jetlag, so I expect it to a certain degree, but this was much harder.  I just couldn't function.  Plus, we were still keeping the pregnancy a secret, so I just seemed like a whiner.  Actually, even if the pregnancy was known to all, I still would have felt like a whiner.  It is always easier to adjust when traveling to California/West, so this proved to be my EASIEST bout of jetlag on the whole trip, which truly interupted parts of this trip.  Also, I'm not sure if this happens to other daughters, but as soon as I got to Los Angeles I was greeted with a list of things to do.  My father is slightly helpless on some things and I was off to the mall to do his shopping a few days after we arrived.  Again, this was harder than when I'm not pregnant.  The mall in Los Angeles at Christmas time is scary, but it can also be kind of fun because the freaks are totally out, and in their element.  My husband and I enjoyed the freak show, but I really had to take a lot of rests, I've never sat down to rest at the mall before and I felt really embarressed about it.  Again, this is suffering of the ego, not the body.  Also, my sister has just recently had a baby, and as soon as she got to town she had assignments for me as well.  These were all fun assignments I was happy to do, but I was limited in time, I could only stay active until about 8:00 when I turned into a pumpkin.  I just couldn't do more.  The funniest/most awesome night was when my husband "took one for the team" and went out to dinner with my dad on a night when I just couldn't get back up, and certainly didn't want to enter another eating establishment.  I think they had a nice dinner, I surely didn't get any of the present wrapping done.
But, when all is said and done, my trip home to LA was amazing.  We got to tell my family about the pregnancy in person, I got to meet my new nephew, and we had the greatest holiday in years.  It was magical and the yucks did not override the yums.
Moving on to Little Rock.  Unfortunately, I think Little Rock really got the short end of the stick because Los Angeles had exhausted me.  We arrived and the three hour time difference immediately messed with me, and I never really caught up.  This is a problem anyways, I'm terrible about waking up at a decent time, getting sleep, etc, but this was the worst I've been.  Oh, and something I forgot to mention before was that my husband and I were both very dry and snoring a lot after our flights, and it is hard when you are staying in somebody else's house to figure out a way to sleep seperately if one person is keeping the other person up with snoring.  This got worse in Little Rock because my mother-in-law smokes and my pregnancy insomnia kicked into high gear and I woke up with every snore, every cigarette, everything.  Also, when staying in Little Rock we switch houses a lot- sometimes we sleep at mother in law's house, other nights we sleep at father in law's house.  This was fine while pregnant because I always had a place to go grab a quick nap, no matter which house we were at, but I think it will be very challenging with a baby and will be something we are going to have to figure out a solution to.  Anyways, the reason I think Little Rock got the short end of the stick was because I needed even more naps and downtime, and we had far less to do.  So, during a nice family event, I would sometimes have to excuse myself for a nap.  I wasn't able to do any late nights, and I even slept one night from about 5pm until morning.  Actually, though, this was a great thing because my husband had a chance to go out and get drunk with friends and stay out really late and didn't have to worry about me at all.  And with his hangover the next day we were both pregnant, which I loved because then I felt less like a weakling.
The trip back to England was the most grueling.  To save money we had purchased a round trip ticket out of Los Angeles, so we had a major flight back to Los Angeles, and then a 8 hour wait until the next flight.  We should have given ourselves a day.  Again, I underestimated how hard flying was going to be.  We were exhausted when we arrived, although thrilled to have another evening with my dad.  This was the night I slept in the flight socks and by the end of the trip to England they were so tight I had to take them off.  I experienced feet swelling on this flight and my legs swelled up as well.  We had planned to stay up all night and catch a ride to the airport the next morning with my friend.  Again, this would have been fine pre-pregnancy, but I had finally realized that this was not going to be possible, so I canceled with my friend (heartbreaking) and caught a few hours of sleep.  I think this was the difference between throwing up or fainting on the plane and not.  By the end of the trip to England my back and head hurt so bad that I was just pacing in the back of the plane.  I was very uncomfortable and swollen and constipated and, again, had a very bruised ego.  I still don't think I had it as bad as many fliers do, so I'm not regretting the trip, but I'm just trying to be honest about the experience.
The aftermath was over a week of recuperation.  I can't believe how hard we both have found it to get back in the swing of things.  I forget that people make a big deal about major trips, and I just didn't take it seriously enough because I was just going home, it didn't feel like a big trip.  It was such an amazing trip home, and I am so happy we were able to do it.  We were so lucky that the holidays fell at just the time I switched from first trimester to second trimester, and it was such a perfect way to surprise our families.  I have just learned a lot about traveling while pregnant from this trip, and I am writing it down so I can remember in the future, which will hopefully be a March trip to China to see the friend I had to cancel on the night we were in LA. :)

Things I learned:
*I overestimated my abilities.  I promised to see all my friends and I brought several "going out" outfits and makeup.  This was a waste of space, and the false promises caused some hurt feelings.  I just couldn't do it.  I am amazed in hindsight how little we got done.  Even the night I spent at my best friend's was kind of boring for both her and my husband because all I wanted to do was lie around.  If I had it to over again I would set much more limited goals and limit my promises to more realistic levels.  I'll be home again someday, this turned out to be a trip to see mostly family.
*Buy flight socks ahead of time.  I bought them at the London airport and they were expensive (I can't remember how much) and they were very tight.  I wish I had had two pairs because the super long day of travel had a sleeping layover and it would have been nice to change socks.  I am so cheap (I only spend money on travel), but I am learning that there might be some moments where you aren't being frugal and anti-consumerist, you are being sadistic, and bad socks might be the limit.  It sounds stupid, but also, they got very tight by the end of the flight to England and I finally had to take them off because they were cutting off my circulation.  I found this stressful and wish I had done more research on how they should feel and what size they should be.
*Expect jetlag and expect a reasonable amount of understanding from people, but not total understanding.  Sometimes you are just going to piss people off, my baby needed me to sleep.

I'm lonely

So, here is the reality.  I have met a few people in my temporarily adopted country of England, and one or two could potentially become close friends, but I am severely lacking in community.  I have always lived in cities with thriving radical "scenes", and even though my lifestyle has often made it so I don't have time to fully immerse myself in a given scene, I've always been welcome to stop in, revamp, and revitalize.  I don't really have that here.  There is a very nice community group, and their project is important, but I find it very hard to get inspired by them, with them.  They are a group of mostly men who claim to be anarchists, but constantly strike me and controlling and centerist.  They almost always apologize for this whenever it is brought up, and they really are very nice and well meaning, but they don't create the cocoon that I have relied upon for so many years.  I sometimes think that I am giving them the anarchist reality check, which is frustrating because I am not a very consistant anarchist, I really want to be surrounded by people who are more immersed in the lifestyle than I am so I can rise to the occasion.
I think part of the problem is that I am still in mourning for one of my very best friends who died almost a year ago.  I miss her so much, and the discussions we had.  I am her son's anarchist godmother, but I find it very difficult to communicate with his father because of both language barriers and personal problems we have always had.   I just miss her so much, and feel the loss very strongly.  She was the ultimate cocoon.  I know the natural response to this is to make my own cocoon, that I can't actually be alone, but it really feels like it.  One of the reasons I so desperately desire community is to learn and be influenced.  It is very easy for me to get wrapped up in consumerism and desires, and I need the support to keep me grounded.  I feel best when I have people around, and I am ready to learn things I wasn't ready for before.  Shit, if it was religion, I'd say I was looking for church, but I'm not looking for dogma, I'm looking for support.  The radical women I meet are very young, none are in long term relationships with children, and they often want to meet at times that are not good for me- nighttime.  I thought I found a wonderful woman at the community group, but she has moved away, and really, did not seem that interested in me.  She already has friends.  Some of the problem is a different culture, I have always said that one of the benefits of the global anarchist network is how easy it is to move around in it, but I am beginning to rethink this.  It is definitely easy to move around, to visit places, to make superficial friends, but deeper connections are proving much more difficult.  I'm just not finding it.  And now, as I search for collective housing for my growing family, I'm finding almost nothing.  I know I'm judgmental, I don't want to hang out with upwardly mobile liberals and smug hippies, I just want to find some warty, dysfunctional, radical mamas who don't know all the answers, and I'm having trouble and feel like it might not exist in this town...

I'm back!

So, I have been away for a month and didn't have a chance to post while I was traveling.  I am now 17 weeks! Actually, I might still be 16 weeks, I'm really confused on the specific day I change weeks.  I'm just saying it's on a Monday to keep my head around it.  I am feeling MUCH better!  It is so nice.  Ladies, it gets better! I promise you!  I am still fairly tired, which really frustrates me, but my stomach is so much better and I can finally go into the kitchen again!  I had about three days last week of feeling sick to my stomach, but I'm much better now.  I looked it up on the internet and found that morning sickness can come back in small bouts sometimes, so I'm just really appreciating the good days and am so happy that the bad days won't last long!  I have a lot to say, but I'm not going to try to put it all into one post.  I'll just say that- I LOVE MY DOPPLER!  I got it at 11 weeks and couldn't find a heartbeat.  I was so disappointed and searched for HOURS! I tried having a full bladder, I tried having an empty bladder, I tried different times of the day, I tried all over my stomach- including WAYYYY low, but I just couldn't find it.  Luckily I had a midwife appointment the next day and she found it instantly!  This was great, cuz I could have panicked.  It made me think that maybe the doppler was not such a great idea.  I decided not to bring it on my trip home and was happy to not have the stress.  But, as soon as I hit the door when I got home, I ran to try it out again.  I think I was about14 and a half weeks, and I found that heartbeat right away!  It was about 4 inches below my belly button, right below my "pooch", if that makes sense.  My husband and I listened to it and it was so amazing and reassuring.  Now I listen about once a week and I can usually find it really quickly.  I'm super happy I have it, although I'm not sure I recommend it.  I mean, if I hadn't found the heartbeat I would have been pretty upset.  Still, it has significantly reduced my stress level and it makes it so real, I just love it.  More soon. :)