25 weeks

i just read this on http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2007/08/10/antepartum-depression-not-every-pregnant-woman-glows.aspx
"Being pregnant is like have a great sports car you've driven and taken care of all your life and having to let some stranger drive it for nine months while you sit in the back seat of your own car feeling cramped and nauseous and not being able to see out or even see the person driving. "

It made me cry and laugh at the exact same moment- a bit of a strange feeling.  I don't know if I'm suffering from actual depression in pregnancy, but I have all these fears and worries and I just really don't feel like myself and I get so scared that I'm never going to feel healthy again.  I am sicky again today and I just don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel like doing anything and my  house is a mess and my husband has to do everything.  He is so cheerful and helpful and amazing and I admire him so much and I just am so mad at myself, like I don't measure up.  It scares me that he might get sick of me and leave me, and I'm scared I'm going to still be lazy after the baby is born.  My breasts leaked again yesterday and everything suddenly became very real.  I sat right down and found us a new, more baby friendly, house.  We can put the deposit down today if we want to.  But even though I got exactly what I want, I still feel totally freaked out by making sudden changes.  It's like I move slow, slow, FAST, and I just can't wrap my head around it.  I can't figure out for the life of me what to do about leaky boobs.  I don't even know where to buy breast pads.  It's like it represents so much I don't know how to handle, and don't feel like asking because I just don't want to be even more vulnerable to the people around me.  A friend told me she had a lot going on in her life, but she would wait to tell me until after the baby was born.  Why?  I want to hear now, except I feel so nauseous and don't know how to respond with energy to her stories.  It suddenly occurred to me that she has no idea how to deal with me pregnant, and I have no idea how to deal with me pregnant.  I have been so emotional and self centered and its like I'm losing people who are important to me.  I've always been a party person, and my best friends are these fiercely independent women who aren't married or pregnant and I feel so, I don't know, different from myself.  At the exact same time, when I'm feeling moderately healthy, I feel even more myself.  Like I'm back in touch with some of my instincts and I remember some of the music I used to love- rocked out to Girls on Top the other day and felt like myself for the first time in ages.  But nothing used to scare me.  I had to search for my mom's dead body a couple times, which is a very scary experience, but I always did it, I never called for help.  Now I'm scared to death that the grocery store near our new house is just too far away in the winter because it is a 20 minute walk.  I'm scared I'm about to get stuck in some sick suburbia, even though we are simply moving to another English village, which should feel adventurous and kind of cool.  I want to burn creative energy, but I don't want to spend a single dime because I want the baby to have everything and money is very tight.  My husband said that he just doesn't want to pay his student loans because we can't afford it and was talking in a very strange way about it, and I felt so helpless and desperate because what if it affects our life in the future.  He was mostly kidding, but I can't get it out my head.  Since when do I think about fiscal responsibility?  Since my parents marriage broke up because my dad is always bankrupt and didn't tell my mom that the house was foreclosed on until she came home and found a huge sign across the door.  It's funny, I don't want to own property or live in suburbia or give up my free spiritness because of a child, yet I am so scared to close any doors.  It's like I can't commit to anything because I can't predict anything.  It just feels like a blank hole.  And don't even get me started about school!  I should be doing work, we can't afford tuition next semester so I should be applying for funding, but I can't seem to get my brain working.  I just feel so irresponsible.  My advisor thinks I should try a medical leave of absence next semester, but that doesn't solve the funding problem in the spring.  And I'm so scared to give up on my PhD because it seems like it is the only thing standing between a healthy life, and turning into a depressed stay at home mom like my mother.  I just feel so lost.  I tried to explain it to another friend last night but it just came across like I was whining about my life and the fact that our families want us to come home again for another whirlwind Christmas trip to multiple states next year and I just don't feel like I can handle it, even if they contribute the funds.  I just feel so weak and like I can't handle anything.  And I feel like nobody understands.