Wednesday 16 December 2009
Tuesday 15 December 2009
Doula?
So, the crazy thing this week is that I weighed myself and I have lost almost 10 pounds! I can't believe it. Whenever I read things on the internet that caused women to lose weight, like anti depressants or short frequent walks, it NEVER applies to me. This is the first time I've fallen in with the weight losing people! Makes me feel very dainty. :) Anyways, I think I need to enjoy this because something tells me that this will be one of my last experiences of feeling dainty for a while. I have recently been considering hiring a doula for my birth. I'm sure I will talk more about this but I just wanted to mention it. She will cost 500 pounds and the one I spoke to was not a very good sales person to my husband. I enjoyed my phone conversation with her, although I noted she was very gung ho about home births. I'm not against home births, and my husband loves the idea, but I'm not sure I want it for my first birth. I'm also not really in love with my home, and not sure I want to be here for the birth. Anyways, she invited us to a homebirth support group, which we attended. I LOVED it. There were so many positive birthing stories. Before this I had only ever heard positive birthing stories from my mother. It seems like people would rather tell you the most frightening shit they can come up with. I've always felt bad for pregnant women at baby showers when those stories have gotten started and I am determined to nip them in the bud. But these stories were just beautiful and I cried at one of them. Of course, when I cried I looked around hoping to find other kindred hormonal crying spirits, but no, I was the only one crying. After the first part of the meeting they had a session on doulas and my husband asked what a doula actually did. This was where the doula I spoke to on the phone and the other doulas in the room epically failed. They basically said they did "nothing". I understand that their role is to remain humble and empower and support, but I think they need to take a little credit if they want to make the sale. My husband felt really put off and felt like they were implying that he couldn't understand because he was just a man. I didn't take it to that level, but I see why he was annoyed, they did a terrible job. Of course, if I decide I want a doula he will support me, but his opinion is currently pretty low. On the walk back to the train station we had a long debate about what we think a doula actually "does" and decided that her role is to try to make a calm and natural experience as calm and natural as possible from within a context or setting that is mistreating birthing as a medical emergency. My husband thinks he can play this role. I think he can too, but I feel like he shouldn't have to, and that if I had a mother or best friend nearby, she could do what the doula would do, but since I don't, I think I would like to have a wise woman with experience hushing the extra chatter in the room and keeping me focused. Anyways, still very early days, so I'll think about it more. Oh, I also heard about "hypno birthing" at the class and I'm sold! I don't know much about it yet, but if I got good at it, I might be able to keep myself focused and block out the medical setting, so I will explore it further.
Fetal Heart Monitor
So, I had to cancel my 12 week scan today because the NHS only allows for two scans, a dating scan and an anomaly scan, and my scan at 9 weeks meant I gave up my one for tomorrow. I feel like it is really unfair, I already had the appointment set and we had the 9 week scan because we had an emergency. Now I have no way to know if my baby is okay until my midwife decides to listen for a heartbeat. There was a substitute midwife in the last time I went for an appointment and she told me that they start trying to listen for a heartbeat at 12 weeks, but I kind of don't believe her. She was really disorganized, wrinkled up all my papers, couldn't get enough blood from me after two tries, and didn't even know where the bathroom was. I felt really shaken by this appointment, and now I'm shaken again because I have no idea what's going on with the baby. I have another appointment on Friday so they can attempt to draw blood again, but because I am only actually 11 weeks, I think there is a very low chance of the midwife looking for a heartbeat. I was having my 12 week scan at 11 weeks because we are leaving for the US on Sunday for Christmas. So, I will be in the US for over 20 days with no idea how the baby is doing. This is making me kind of upset. Especially since it is so resolvable by letting me getting a scan as scheduled tomorrow. Part of me wants to make up a story about bleeding or cramps and get another emergency ultrasound, but that seems like really bad juju and I don't want to cry wolf. At the same time, don't I have a right to know what's going on if it is so easy to see? Anyways, this is one of the shortfalls of the NHS. I wouldn't have had to cancel this appointment if I was in the US, so I am feeling sorry for myself and homesick. To try to counter this, I ordered a fetal doppler from http://www.hi-baby.co.uk just now. I looked at the different dopplers and it seemed like the Angel sounds and the Hi-Bebe dopplers got the best reviews. The Angel sounds was tempting because you can buy it outright from Amazon, but the Hi-Bebe, which was much more expensive to buy, claims to be able to pick up the heartbeat as early as 10 weeks. I am trying not to get too hopeful, I doubt I'll be able to pick up much for the next few weeks, but at least I'm doing something, so I feel a little better. I will also like that I can bring it along on my trip and won't feel as alone/without medical attention while I am away. I am now starting my 11th week and I'm hoping to hear something by week 13. I'll keep you updated on my impressions.
Monday 7 December 2009
Bleeding at 9 Weeks
BLEEDING
So, on Wednesday, December 2, 2009, I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3ish, to go to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding. It was more than spotting, but never bled onto my underwear or a pad. The midwife told us that bleeding was NEVER normal and gave us a bunch of numbers to call if I had bleeding. Of course, at 3 in the morning, we could barely tell the difference between the numbers. My husband was so amazing. I woke him up and he immediatly turned on all the lights and got down to business. I'm not sure I would have taken it so seriously on my own. In hindsight, it was enough blood to warrant concern, but in the moment I felt really strange, and didn't want to be a bother, and felt like the inevitable was happening and just wanted to curl up. I went to put a pad on and when I came back he had the computer open and was trying to figure out what to do. I grabbed the numbers the midwife gave us and he called a few. I felt so safe and taken care of by the fact that he made the phone calls. I have no idea why this comforted me so much, but it was so great. He is going to be a great dad. In the mean time I looked up bleeding in my trusty "What to Expect when your Expecting" and it said to take it seriously. (BTW, my sister hated "What to Expect" because she found it very scary. I really like it because it answers questions in a sort of sciency, but not too sciency, way. Just two opinions, not sure if they are helpful.) My husband spoke to an on call midwife who was very nice but not super helpful so we called the emergency room. They told us to come on in. So we did. We took a taxi to the ER (the call it the A&E) and they saw us right away.
ER
Of course, again, they didn't really do anything, but they also didn't make us feel stupid for being nervous. They were incredibly nice and reassuring. They had me pee in a cardboard box thing (cracked both of us up- it looked like shipping material) and they confirmed my pregnancy (first official confirmation!) and I think they tested the pee for regular stuff like a UTI or something, but not much. They took my blood pressure and that was about it. But, most importantly, they set me up for an early ultrasound for Friday, the next day if you consider it was now very early Thursday morning. So, I was going to get to see my baby sooner, which is amazing! Although, I'm pretty sure I lost my privilege to my 12 week scan now, so I have to wait until 20 weeks to see it again. I really don't like this lack of scanning. Although I realize the scan doesn't tell the doctor much, it tells me a lot, I am so scared that the baby will die without me knowing, I am just desperate for evidence of life. I will always think that some of my morning sickness symptoms are nerves and that they could probably be relieved if I could see the baby or hear the heartbeat, or if I was rich and could afford a private scan. But I'm not. The other funny thing was that apparently my husband and I had two different experiences in the ER. He felt reassured and felt like the nurse said everything was fine and bleeding happens. I felt like she told us nothing and rushed to set up an appointment. Shows was a difference perspective can make!
Anyways, I was a nervous wreck before the scan. My husband was very excited and canceled everything he had to do on Friday, but I was preparing for disaster. I had been pleased by how calm I was during the Emergency Room ordeal, and I promised myself I would be as cool and collected when I learned the terrible news about my baby. In the meantime, the bleeding basically stopped. It bled bright red for about two hours, then tapering off brown blood for about 20 hours. I had another moment of some brown blood on Friday afternoon, but have not had any since.
THE SCAN
So, we got to the early pregnancy unit early because we were sure we were going to get lost, which we did. We filled out some paperwork and waited for what felt like ages, but was actually just until my appointment time. It was funny watching everybody's water drinking tactics. I had brought a water bottle and was trying to slowly fill my bladder (for those who don't know, you need to have a full bladder for an ultra sound so it gets out of the way to see the baby. This is a slightly comical endeavor because a pregnant woman can only hold so much water, and because that amount is slightly unpredictable and varies depending on where you are in the pregnancy). Another woman did a last minute mighty gulp, which I can't believe didn't make her throw up, although I suspected she was further along than I am, so maybe she isn't as nauseous. Other women did nothing, I guess it just wasn't worth it and they could rely on a full bladder. I was just worried I was going to push myself over the edge, have to pee, and then have to start over.
Anyways, we were finally called and there were two women working the ultrasound, one was training the other. They laid me down, pulled down my pants a little (great, now everybody can see my belly) and squished goop on me. The girl said that she was going to look and then she would turn the screen towards me. I felt like I wasn't breathing. I might not have been. My husband, on the other hand, was grinning like an idiot and even started to poke at me to tease me. I asked him to stop which I think hurt his feelings a little bit. We are going to have to figure out a way to start and stop teasing at appropriate times. I don't want to laugh when I'm really stressed. He does.
Anyways, then they found the baby! My husband's eyes widened and he grabbed my hand and everything was okay! They found it right away and turned the screen so I could see it. It was right there, and really obvious and easy to see. It's heart was beating really fast and it was kind of moving around! They said it was looking really good and had a "strong heartbeat". I laughed which made all my insides move and then they couldn't see the baby for a second. That made me laugh again, so I had to chill out or they couldn't do anything. They turned the screen back and started looking for the cause of the bleeding and for all my insides, like my ovaries, etc. My husband just couldn't stop watching, but I was happy, it was like this amazing moment where I knew, without a doubt, that my baby was alive, and I was reveling in it. I didn't even need to see the image, I was just happy my husband could see it. They found the source of bleeding, a small hemorrage (it has an official name which I can't remember but will edit in once I find the paperwork) on the outside of my uterus. The hospital midwife later told us that of the 20 women she had seen that morning, 4 had the same thing, so it is very common. They said I could bleed a little more, just to get rid of the blood, but that it was likely over and that I had nothing to worry about. I am confused about what caused it, but they said to think of it like a bruise, a minor injury to me that won't hurt the baby. Whew! They also found a small fibroid which may have been contributing to my irregular periods for the past six months. They never found my left ovary because it was obstructed by gas! They were funny, they told me it was obstructed by bowel, I guess they thought it would be embarrassing for me if my husband knew how gassy I was, but believe me, he knows! The older technician was really funny because she kept trying to humanize the baby. She was like, "look at the little cherub, isn't it cute???" and she said the baby was dancing around and very active. I have a hard time believing that it isn't just floating around, but my husband then declared that the baby took after him, and it was such a nice moment that I just loved the cheesy technician. Anyways, everything is fine and my baby is developing right on schedule. They dated the pregnancy and I had expected they were going to take away a week from what we were estimating because I ovulate late, but they only took away a day, which means baby is doing great! There was only one thing that could have made it perfect, a future telling midwife. I really wanted her to say we were out of the dark and the pregnancy was safe from now on, but she said things were still iffy until 12 weeks. This kind of dashed my husband's hopes of telling everyone. It annoyed me all over again because now I'm not getting another scan at 12 weeks, so how am I supposed to know if everything is ok once we get out of the first trimester? There is, again, no confirmation. I know this is a bit of an exercise in faith, but why have faith when it is possible to prove everything is okay? I'm going to ask my midwife about this at our appointment tomorrow. I really need something to hold on to. I'm very scared of a missed miscarriage. Either way, what a great day! We saw that little baby and everything is doing great!
So, on Wednesday, December 2, 2009, I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3ish, to go to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding. It was more than spotting, but never bled onto my underwear or a pad. The midwife told us that bleeding was NEVER normal and gave us a bunch of numbers to call if I had bleeding. Of course, at 3 in the morning, we could barely tell the difference between the numbers. My husband was so amazing. I woke him up and he immediatly turned on all the lights and got down to business. I'm not sure I would have taken it so seriously on my own. In hindsight, it was enough blood to warrant concern, but in the moment I felt really strange, and didn't want to be a bother, and felt like the inevitable was happening and just wanted to curl up. I went to put a pad on and when I came back he had the computer open and was trying to figure out what to do. I grabbed the numbers the midwife gave us and he called a few. I felt so safe and taken care of by the fact that he made the phone calls. I have no idea why this comforted me so much, but it was so great. He is going to be a great dad. In the mean time I looked up bleeding in my trusty "What to Expect when your Expecting" and it said to take it seriously. (BTW, my sister hated "What to Expect" because she found it very scary. I really like it because it answers questions in a sort of sciency, but not too sciency, way. Just two opinions, not sure if they are helpful.) My husband spoke to an on call midwife who was very nice but not super helpful so we called the emergency room. They told us to come on in. So we did. We took a taxi to the ER (the call it the A&E) and they saw us right away.
ER
Of course, again, they didn't really do anything, but they also didn't make us feel stupid for being nervous. They were incredibly nice and reassuring. They had me pee in a cardboard box thing (cracked both of us up- it looked like shipping material) and they confirmed my pregnancy (first official confirmation!) and I think they tested the pee for regular stuff like a UTI or something, but not much. They took my blood pressure and that was about it. But, most importantly, they set me up for an early ultrasound for Friday, the next day if you consider it was now very early Thursday morning. So, I was going to get to see my baby sooner, which is amazing! Although, I'm pretty sure I lost my privilege to my 12 week scan now, so I have to wait until 20 weeks to see it again. I really don't like this lack of scanning. Although I realize the scan doesn't tell the doctor much, it tells me a lot, I am so scared that the baby will die without me knowing, I am just desperate for evidence of life. I will always think that some of my morning sickness symptoms are nerves and that they could probably be relieved if I could see the baby or hear the heartbeat, or if I was rich and could afford a private scan. But I'm not. The other funny thing was that apparently my husband and I had two different experiences in the ER. He felt reassured and felt like the nurse said everything was fine and bleeding happens. I felt like she told us nothing and rushed to set up an appointment. Shows was a difference perspective can make!
Anyways, I was a nervous wreck before the scan. My husband was very excited and canceled everything he had to do on Friday, but I was preparing for disaster. I had been pleased by how calm I was during the Emergency Room ordeal, and I promised myself I would be as cool and collected when I learned the terrible news about my baby. In the meantime, the bleeding basically stopped. It bled bright red for about two hours, then tapering off brown blood for about 20 hours. I had another moment of some brown blood on Friday afternoon, but have not had any since.
THE SCAN
So, we got to the early pregnancy unit early because we were sure we were going to get lost, which we did. We filled out some paperwork and waited for what felt like ages, but was actually just until my appointment time. It was funny watching everybody's water drinking tactics. I had brought a water bottle and was trying to slowly fill my bladder (for those who don't know, you need to have a full bladder for an ultra sound so it gets out of the way to see the baby. This is a slightly comical endeavor because a pregnant woman can only hold so much water, and because that amount is slightly unpredictable and varies depending on where you are in the pregnancy). Another woman did a last minute mighty gulp, which I can't believe didn't make her throw up, although I suspected she was further along than I am, so maybe she isn't as nauseous. Other women did nothing, I guess it just wasn't worth it and they could rely on a full bladder. I was just worried I was going to push myself over the edge, have to pee, and then have to start over.
Anyways, we were finally called and there were two women working the ultrasound, one was training the other. They laid me down, pulled down my pants a little (great, now everybody can see my belly) and squished goop on me. The girl said that she was going to look and then she would turn the screen towards me. I felt like I wasn't breathing. I might not have been. My husband, on the other hand, was grinning like an idiot and even started to poke at me to tease me. I asked him to stop which I think hurt his feelings a little bit. We are going to have to figure out a way to start and stop teasing at appropriate times. I don't want to laugh when I'm really stressed. He does.
Anyways, then they found the baby! My husband's eyes widened and he grabbed my hand and everything was okay! They found it right away and turned the screen so I could see it. It was right there, and really obvious and easy to see. It's heart was beating really fast and it was kind of moving around! They said it was looking really good and had a "strong heartbeat". I laughed which made all my insides move and then they couldn't see the baby for a second. That made me laugh again, so I had to chill out or they couldn't do anything. They turned the screen back and started looking for the cause of the bleeding and for all my insides, like my ovaries, etc. My husband just couldn't stop watching, but I was happy, it was like this amazing moment where I knew, without a doubt, that my baby was alive, and I was reveling in it. I didn't even need to see the image, I was just happy my husband could see it. They found the source of bleeding, a small hemorrage (it has an official name which I can't remember but will edit in once I find the paperwork) on the outside of my uterus. The hospital midwife later told us that of the 20 women she had seen that morning, 4 had the same thing, so it is very common. They said I could bleed a little more, just to get rid of the blood, but that it was likely over and that I had nothing to worry about. I am confused about what caused it, but they said to think of it like a bruise, a minor injury to me that won't hurt the baby. Whew! They also found a small fibroid which may have been contributing to my irregular periods for the past six months. They never found my left ovary because it was obstructed by gas! They were funny, they told me it was obstructed by bowel, I guess they thought it would be embarrassing for me if my husband knew how gassy I was, but believe me, he knows! The older technician was really funny because she kept trying to humanize the baby. She was like, "look at the little cherub, isn't it cute???" and she said the baby was dancing around and very active. I have a hard time believing that it isn't just floating around, but my husband then declared that the baby took after him, and it was such a nice moment that I just loved the cheesy technician. Anyways, everything is fine and my baby is developing right on schedule. They dated the pregnancy and I had expected they were going to take away a week from what we were estimating because I ovulate late, but they only took away a day, which means baby is doing great! There was only one thing that could have made it perfect, a future telling midwife. I really wanted her to say we were out of the dark and the pregnancy was safe from now on, but she said things were still iffy until 12 weeks. This kind of dashed my husband's hopes of telling everyone. It annoyed me all over again because now I'm not getting another scan at 12 weeks, so how am I supposed to know if everything is ok once we get out of the first trimester? There is, again, no confirmation. I know this is a bit of an exercise in faith, but why have faith when it is possible to prove everything is okay? I'm going to ask my midwife about this at our appointment tomorrow. I really need something to hold on to. I'm very scared of a missed miscarriage. Either way, what a great day! We saw that little baby and everything is doing great!
First Midwife Visit
So, I never reported on my first midwife visit. I was very worried about it, but it ended up being very nice and I really like my midwife. I only wish I could remember her name without having to look it up. Oh well, I guess I will get to know her better over the next several months. That's a thing that is actually different than back home. In the US we go to a OB and get to know him or her through our pregnancy. Then the OB delivers our baby at the hospital. We don't really expect to see them during labor, but we expect to see them during delivery and have had many chances to talk about delivery with them ahead of time. Here in England we see the midwife through pregnancy, and then a delivery team takes over at the hospital. Unless there is a complication there is a good chance I'll never see an OB, although I'm not sure if one shows up for delivery. I actually don't mind not seeing an OB at all. I'm happy with nurses and midwives, but I am very unhappy about having no relationship with the people who I will be in the delivery room with. It sounds very much like luck of the draw if you get a group of people who are on the last hour or their shift, or who don't like my accent, or who are sick of self important first time mothers. Now, I have not had a single bad experience with the kindness of the medical staff so far, so I'm trying not to be scared, but I wish I had a previous relationship with those who are going to help me through labor and delivery. For example, I want to try to have a natural birth, but I am very flexible and willing to concede to the experts. That said, I want to know my experts and trust they are not just trying to speed things along. That will be very difficult to analyze while in labor, so I am trying to figure out how to handle this. I have been looking into doulas as potential cultural translators for me in the delivery room. Like maybe I can get to know a doula and then the doula can help me decide if I should let them rupture my membranes even though I would really prefer to wait it out. I just don't want to be inflexible in the delivery room, but I also really want to connect with this delivery, I want every second of the experience to be as special and lived as possible. I'm not sure that made sense. I really believe in a woman's natural ability to birth a child. I would like the chance to do that. I would like to experience the bonding hormones and the chance to experience the endorphins, but I don't want to be so inflexible that I don't listen to medical advice if the advice is to take some drugs or accept a c-section. I am just scared to lose my power in the delivery room in an inappropriate way. I'm totally comfortable giving up my power though if it is best for me or baby. I'm just nervous about navigating those waters. Speaking of waters, I have been thinking very seriously about a water birth. I'm not so much interested in a water birth because I care about water, but because I think it might be a way to keep all those wires and other devices off me and the baby. It would also help me move around and not feel pressured to be on a delivery bed. Anyways, I totally digress from the topic I set out to talk about. The midwife was very nice, she told me that unless my BMI was over 35 that she is not the least bit worried about my weight (my biggest concern), and gave me a whole bunch of pamphlets and paperwork to fill out. The pamphlets are as good as any book and I'm glad I haven't gone over the top on buying books. It included a little booklet called Emma's Diary which is the fictional diary of a pregnant woman through her pregnancy. The midwife said that Emma must be about 85 years old by now because they have been giving out her diary forever. I read it and it was very modern, but I was really touched by the idea that they've been keeping these diaries for pregnant women for so long. I would really like to find past Emma's Diaries to learn more about what women 50 years ago were expecting and being told. It is really amazing and it is nice to feel a historical connection like that while I'm so far from home. The midwife had an assistant who kept bopping in with more paperwork and then retreating to the back of the room to shuffle through paper. I thought she was pretty funny and the two inundated me with information and I felt much happier leaving the appointment. Of course, they never confirmed the pregnancy, which I found disconcerting, but I guess totally reasonable. I mean, I know I'm pregnant, I asked questions about symptoms, why waste the resources on a pregnancy test. Saving resources is just one of the many things I'm learning about while outside the American healthcare system. Oh, they also told me to make a dental appointment because dental work is free while your pregnant! I think I'm going to wait until I'm done gagging for that, but that is really nice. I wanted her to listen to the baby's heartbeat, but she said she wouldn't hear anything. I looked on the internet and it said that midwives often don't listen for it until 16 weeks because if they look for it sooner and don't find it it can be very distressing for the mother. This is the part of cutting costs I really hate. I really needed to feel like something was alive inside of me. I didn't need a heartbeat, I really wanted an ultrasound, but that doesn't come until 12 weeks in England, unless there is an emergency, which we had, and I'll talk about in the next post.
Morning sickness
So, I've been away cuz morning sickness hit with a vengeance. I would say at about 7.5 weeks, and it has been up and down since. I am about to start week 10. My husband was out of town during week 8 and I had a really hard time alone, an issue in the growing number of issues that has forced me to look again at my self perception of strength. It has been very challenging for me to face the fact that I don't just want him, I need him. I always thought I would be the perfect pregnant lady. I've always been very self-reliant and independent and imagined that I would not complain, would revel in the magic of pregnancy, and be the pillar of strength, leading my husband to love and respect me even more. This has not happened. I can't stand the smell of the kitchen after about 3:30, and it gets worse around 6:30. This sounds like no big deal, but it is miserable. I sometimes can't even go in without gagging, I always have to hold my breath in there, and I've only ever thrown up in the kitchen. I finally understand why people like those shiny new tract homes, our hundred year plus house is assaulting me with all the dirt of the past and present. I see filth everywhere I go, and it makes me want to hurl. I'm not even a tidy person. This is a whole new side of me. If I wasn't so hungry this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm hungry every few hours. This is another new thing for me. My personal trainer has been begging me to eat every few hours, but I have found this very difficult until now. Now, I am finally following the trainer's instructions. In fact, if I don't eat I want to hurl. I think I want to hurl more if I don't eat than if I go into the kitchen, but I'm not sure, they are kind of equal. Now add in that I don't feel like I'm eating very well. Lots of simple carbs, bagels, bread, etc. When my husband was gone and I couldn't handle the kitchen at all I was ordering out, desperately trying to find something healthy on a take away menu and resorting to jacket potatoes and pizzas with veggies on them. Now add hormones and I cried and cried and cried. I felt like a terrible mother, like I was hurting the baby, like I was weak and pathetic, and most of all, I felt like shit! Anyways, this did a small number on my self esteem, and now that my husband is back, along with the perspective a sane person is able to bring to a pregnant woman's crazies, I still don't completely have my head on. I feel pathetic relying on him to cook, and even to fill my water glass if it is after 6:30. I am so bored watching TV all the time, yet I'm so tired and fuzzy brained that I can't seem to sit through a book, let alone do my own work. I find it very stressful to just relax for more than a week. It has been almost 3 weeks of this and I have learned a lot about myself, and I haven't loved what I've seen. I am a person who tends towards laziness, but not this much. I find it stressful to be doing nothing, and I find it stressful to rely so heavily on my husband. A friend once told me that morning sickness could teach a woman things, like that you are not necessarily in control of things. Well, it has taught me that for sure. I have control over the choices I make, but I have very little control over what's going to happen next. I can't tell how I'm going to feel in the next moment, let alone the next day, and I find it really difficult. Add the constant fear that I'm going to will myself to lose the baby (not sure that makes sense- like- I'm worried that if I don't appreciate my blessing enough, or complain too much, that I am going to lose it), and I'm a bit of a wreck. And I'm still unclear on whether I should be complaining. It seems like an awful thing to do. Especially since I wanted this so bad, so many women want it so bad, and because I just haven't had morning sickness nearly as bad as so many people I've heard of. I have a weak stomach that throws up if a movie is too upsetting, and I've only thrown up twice with this pregnancy. This would be very lucky and not at all expected. Although, what I did expect was one week of morning sickness, like they show in the movies. I had no idea it would last forever.
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