Overweight and pregnant

So, I used to be skinny. Really skinny. Amenorrheic skinny. And then I met a man I thought I was going to marry. I got a little chubby and a little happy. He was a good man (if you can call him a man- we were only 18), and I have nothing terrible to say about him. I will say that I was escaping a nightmarish home life through him, and that he was a drug dealer, albeit a gentle one, so that should say enough about the relationship. When I realized I wasn't going to marry him, I still stayed with him for another year, but I lost that chub. I was looking great when that relationship ended. My weight went slightly up and down for the next five years until I started graduate school. I actually lost weight at first. I met my wonderful husband. Then my mother committed suicide. That is another story, but it is also when I started packing on the pounds. My husband claims to not mind my weight gain. It HAS been subtle, and I've always been able to carry more weight than my friends because of my proportions. I'm lucky, I gain in my breasts and my butt, not such bad places to gain. And it wasn't fast. It has taken me five years to gain about 40 pounds. I have always eaten really healthy, but I have become very sedentary. I gained the last 20ish pounds at a more rapid pace because I stopped working out. I went to the doctor last spring to talk about wanting to have a baby, my anxiety issues (I had just gone off meds after 5 years as well), and my low immunity to every cold that ever passes by. She weighed me and we were both shocked by the number. I knew I had been gaining weight, but I had no idea that I was nearly *** pounds*. She told me that my BMI was ** and that I was obese. I went home, bought a scale, and joined a gym. I have been working out ever since. Two things happened. My anxiety suddenly became very manageable! Yay! And I haven't been sick since! Knock on wood. But I haven't lost a single pound. Well, that might not be true. I fell off the wagon for about six weeks in the summer because of a constant stream of house guests demanding my attention. I think I had lost a few pounds before that, but they came right back. So, about two months ago I hired a personal trainer, at great expense. I LOVE her, although I would never be able to afford her regularly. This was my one shot, and I made my motivation that I wanted to lose weight for pregnancy. We were trying to get pregnant, but I always thought we'd have trouble because I had never gotten pregnant before, and I haven't always been the most responsible person with birth control. I figured something might be wrong with me. Even after I confirmed to myself that I was ovulating, I just thought it would take a little longer than average. My cycles had become irregular, which I attributed to stress, weight, and quitting meds. I will write a different post about how I got my cycle regular. Either way, only a month into training and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for about five months, and "not not trying" for about nine months. Again, I haven't lost a single pound. I've worked out diligently, kept a food journal that proved I was eating well, and have learned a lot of things, but haven't dropped a pound, and now I'm pregnant with a BMI of **. I want to be pregnant so badly, I do not regret not putting trying to conceive on hold. But now I am afraid of what comes next. My first midwife appointment is Friday and I am going to cover my husband's ears when they weigh me. I am dreading the lecture. I feel so frustrated, and I also feel like I am going to have limited options, be categorized as a high risk pregnancy, and that they are going to treat me like I am irresponsible. It feels really unfair because I am not a slob, I eat really healthy, and I am invested in the health of myself and my child. I feel like my category doesn't fit me, even though I want the best for my child. I hate that I am now at risk for gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and a higher risk delivery. It feels even more unfair that I am going to get a lecture rather than a comforting talk because I will be categorized as somebody who needs to be scared into not gaining too much weight. It really annoys me and makes me angry and makes me ashamed. Of course, these are all things I am anticipating, it might not happen, but the nurse who told me I was obese last spring was anything but sympathetic. When I was shocked, she said, "well, look at you". I am looking at me.

*blocked weight because I'm worried that my complaining about my particular size might make others upset- BMI be damned, weight and size is relative